Curly, I've been having the same problem - my 27 month old DS just returned to family day care after a two month absence because his carer (who is a family friend of ours) was on maternity leave.

When I started back at work last September he spent about four weeks with my mum, one day a week, then my hours picked up to two days a week and he started doing one day with mum, one day in FDC. Starting FDC either coincided with or manifested in a lot of separation anxiety that seemed to have a sensory component to it, when we went to a playground or somewhere with a lot of activity or noise he would become very upset and wouldn't let me put him down, after about ten minutes he would happily disengage from me and play. Prior to this he'd been very independent since starting to walk. Swimming lessons were the worst - he would be very distressed, wouldn't go into the pool, and when in the pool he would not settle. I started going back into the pool with him, and even then he would only calm if I was holding him, as soon as I would let go so he could join in an activity, he would get distressed again. Prior to this he would be delighted to get in the pool, it was a total shift in behaviour.

At FDC, he would get very distressed when we got there, but would settle literally within a minute of me leaving, and would spend the day happily playing and engaging with the other kids and our carer (prior to starting day care he was very familiar with both the carer, the kids there, and the environment, as we visited them frequently since he was born). By the time our carer went on leave, he was starting to settle well into arriving at day care and wouldn't become distressed, but the separation anxiety was still apparent.

He's not been prone to separation anxiety over the break from FDC, even though he's still been spending two days a week with my mum. Today we went back for the first time, and he started sobbing as we walked through the gate. He was distressed enough that even a BF couldn't comfort him, although I was able to get him to calm down with some sultanas. When I left, he became distressed again, although he smiled as he said goodbye when I left, and I could see that he calmed within a minute of me leaving (he couldn't see me). He had a great day, slept really well, played happily and was happy all day. When I returned, he was happy for a minute or two then got incredibly upset again.

TBH, I am in the same situation as you - he doesn't need to go to day care, he only goes for socialisation. I am trying to work out whether the benefits he is likely to get in any way compensate for the resultant separation anxiety. I am not convinced that settling within minutes and being happy throughout the day means that he is not being affected by it - it seems that anxiety related to day care may be manifesting in other ways. But maybe he just needs time to resettle to the routine and these other issues were just coincidental. Like you, I plan to give it a few weeks and then see what happens.

Like you - I don't buy the 'but he needs to learn to separate otherwise he'll have difficulty later' line - I don't feel that forcing the issue is not likely to do him any good. I've adopted a gentle parenting strategy, I don't see any reason to deviate from it now.

Just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one out there experiencing this - it's a tough decision!