Son Hates FDC - now what??

[DiannaQ]

Hi there All

I have had my 19month DS in FDC for just on 4 weeks for 2 days a week and he HATES IT!! - He cries the minute we drive into the street.

He cries the whole day the only time he isn't miserable is when the carer is holding him - which unfortunately she is not prepared to do all day long.

He is suffering extreme seperation anxiety - and always has - however now he won't even go to places where he once felt secure.

What I am wondering is:

Have you been through this and does it stop??
How long does it it take to stop??
Would he be better suited in a larger child care facility where there are more carers that can atleast hold his hand when he is upset??

Any suggestions on how to deal/resolve this situation would be greatly appreciated.

I am at my wits end and feel terrible leaving him there.

What would you do in my situation.

TIA

[BellyBelly]

Dianna, this is really common because seperation anxiety peaks at 18 months. He's feeling very insecure, frightened and it's his little underdeveloped brain that doesn't understand that you haven't left him to survive forever on his own. He doesn't get it and wants the security of his mummy.

It is very hard, I had the same problem at that age, but took my kids out right away. I wouldn't push it, you will make it worse. The author of Raising Boys, Steve Biddulph, is not a fan of this sort of care, especially for boys who are more vulnerable.

Grab a copy of his book, Raising Boys, he also has one about childcare too. I'd also suggest The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland which covers many behaviours and how to deal with them. I recommend that book so much these days I think I need to put it in my sig!!!

You are normal, he is normal, and he just needs your love and reassurance right now that you wont leave him and it's a great time to develop secure attachments. This phase will pass, I promise... just give it some time. My two are the clingiest little things around, especially little Marisa with her anxiety problem, but when they were ready to go, they LOVED it, and they can't wait til the next week now

[AnyDream]

Are you happy with your particular carer - sometimes it's a case of the child and the carer not being a good match - perhaps with a different carer he might be happier? Maybe have a chat with your FDC coordination office, they may have some suggestions too.

[MantaRay]

Dianna, there are a few options here. It could be just that he needs longer to settle in to a new arrangement. Does he usually cope with change well? Does he take a while to adapt to new things? It could just be this. However, given that he doesn't seem to settle at all during the day, it sounds like it is more likely that this arrangement isn't going to work. That leaves you with some choices - in terms of keeping him in care your options are really to stick with FDC but try a different carer, try a day care centre (maybe the setting and extra kids would help), or try a nanny.

Otherwise if you are not working, or can stop working for a while, you could remove him from care. Then try doing lots of playgroups and social activities, and after a while try leaving him at a friend's place for a play date without you etc, gradually getting him used to being around other adults, other kids and then away from you. Then maybe he will settle into a care arrangement more easily.

What you need to do now, is try to decide what is going on, given what you know about your DS and your own situation. Then decide what the best thing to do about it is. I don't think you can let the situation go on as it is. I wish you the very best of luck with it and I hope you find something that works for you and your DS.

[Mum0809]

Can you keep him home? If it was me, I would look around at different centres and take him with you to see how he reacts at the different ones. Meet the carer who would be caring for him, because if he doesn't like his carer he won't be happy. Clearly he doesn't like this centre and if He cries the minute you drive into the street, it is really upsetting him.

[DiannaQ]

Thanks for your replies everyone

I've decided that my first port of call will be to call the council to see what they can suggest and then I will speak with a few Child Care centres to see what they can "offer" that is different to our current situation and they're sugestions on how they would deal with it.

Unfortunately I am a return to work mum and finances and mortgages don't allow me to be otherwise at this point.

As far as getting family help - he spends tuesdays with his granny and that is all she can offer as she also works.

It's so heartbreaking to know that your'e torturing your child by doing something to help better their future.

Hopefully I will get some help with this one - otherwise I really don't know what else to do

Thanks so much for the feedback - it's nice to hear something other than "just leave him there, he'll adjust" - this just goes against all my mothering instincts.

Wish me luck

[BellyBelly]

Dianna, ah yes it's harder if you are a working mummy, I wrongly assumed you were at home. I hope you can find a solution for your little man.

[bon]

Dianna - good luck, I really hope you can find a solution to this! I put my DS in daycare for one day a week when he was 19 months old - and he reacted exactly the same as your little man. He would cry when we pulled into the carpark and keep crying after I left. According to the carers, he would calm down and usually end up playing happily, but he really wasn't happy there. Fortunately I was able to take him out and keep him at home with me. Now he is 4 and goes to kindy and absolutely loves it - I am sure your little man will get used to his new routine with time, but I know how heart breaking it can be to leave him when he is so upset!