Tearing my heart out... what would you do?

[Amity]

Aw honey, huge hugs.

I'll have a word to my other daycarer (FDC), she's having Neddy fulltime from 27 January when she returns from overseas. If you were looking for fulltime, she's probably more interested. I'll have to talk to her though.

Neddy will be there Mondays and Fridays until the end of January, so perhaps this might help Lijie?

And he is probably picking up on what happens at home - I know mine did.

It's just so hard doing it all on your own, I so feel for you. I'd be lost without my parents! If I could afford to houseshare, I would, but the finances are looking very awful atm.

I think Lijie would probably be like this at most centres, TBH. I think it's more his personality than the centre, IYKWIM. My two love it there, Alex is going back on Friday as well. Lijie is a sensitive chappy, and there is lots of colour and noise there.

I'm more than happy to drop Neddy off at your place on Mondays and Fridays if you want to drop him off at the same time as Lijie... it's on my way to the station anyway! Happy to do whatever I can to help. Let me know what you want...

[~Trish~]

Aww Kelly . I know the feeling well. My DS started 3 y/o kinder this year and he didn't cope well with me leaving him at first. He's always been a mummy's boy and it was really hard for him to watch me leave him. I would DREAD taking him there, the only thing that kept me going was knowing that he actually enjoyed himself after I left and when I went to pick him up he was happy.

I spoke to his teacher a lot and she was wonderful at helping integrate him. He got used to it within a month and the crying stopped. But then there was a temporary change of teacher and it all went out the window again. He went back to crying hysterically when it was time to leave for kinder, even just mentioning kinder on the other days was enough to start him crying. One time he was so upset he threw up all over himself in the car at the kinder carpark . Once his teacher was back I rang her and she agreed to work with us again and he stopped the crying after the 3rd class back thankfully.

I'm not much help, I'm really just someone who understands the pain of watching your child cry like that. It's heartbreaking and it takes a lot of strength from you to keep persevering . It sounds like it's extra hard when you're getting unhelpful comments from his dad, no one knows what it's like unless you're there in the moment.

I hope you find the right place for him soon .

[CathieW]

Hi
I own a child care centre and we have had a couple of children not wanting to come to day care because of rest time, so we decided to stop rest time for our 4 -5 year olds and give them a choice on wheather they would like a rest. It has worked really well. Maybe suggest this to your day care centre and see what they say. You can say to them that you do not want your child to have a rest during the day.

Cathie

[Mother Goose]

Kelly, Abbey went through this not long ago. It lasted about 6 weeks for us and was hell. I had to take time off work and fly my MIL over from Adelaide to help out.

We found that Abbey getting some quality 1:1 time with me and Grandma (she had 1 day a week out of CC and spent it with Gran) really helped. In the meantime, we carried her into the centre (she was making herself a dead weight and dropping on the floor when we got in), ignored tantrums in her room (which we do anyway), and encouraged distraction techniques. I had a word to the carers and Director so they would also help with distraction. The best thing that worked for us was getting her to watch for us through the windows into the corridor and wave goodbye. There is also a BIG window in her room which overlooks the road intersection - so we got her to stand at the window and we'd wave from the car. Not a tear or tantrum to be seen! We also noticed she was worse when we dropped her into the combined room in the mornings - so we try to drop her off after that has ended and if it is earlier, they try to get her into her normal room ASAP. She is a LOT better now. Back to being her normal happy self and loving child care - she runs in and is all smiles. Waves us off and gives us a huge kiss. It is wonderful.

Hang in there and follow your heart.

[BellyBelly]

Hey Cathie, they already do that. I spoke to him about it again after kinder, he always asks when i pick him up if he has care the next day... he said he wants to come to the centre with me he doesnt want another cc centre, he wants to be with me

Wednesdays are his day off care (and mine off the centre), I do spend the whole day with just him...

[alioops]

Hun I think he is picking up on what is happening at home. When we moved it was a massive change for Sarah and she took a couple of days at daycare to re adjust. Has John spoken to him about care? Does John see the kids regularly? It is normal for big changes at home to trigger increased separation anxiety.

Hang in there Kelly. It is another of life's big challenges. I hope he regains his independance soon.

Just a quick thought, How would Elijah cope with a day at the centre with you? how would YOU cope with that idea? Some kids just want to know what you do all day while they are away from you.

[BellyBelly]

Heya hon, he's usually fine for a little while but after then he's very bored and gets very silly/naughty. Its extremely stressful with him there. He's been a few times already, when I first opened and he was there last week for one day when I let him come with me. So not an option

[alioops]

Would it be possible to set up a creche at the centre? It would probably get a lot of client business during appointments, and then if Elijah was in there you could pop in as required to settle him, and you are less than 5 minutes away at all times. I can understand him being underfoot while you are trying to get work done being stressful - I cant get anything done while the girls are awake!

Good luck hun!!

[Jennifer13]

Kelly, the fact that he doesn't want to leave YOU probably means that it isn't the CCC itself. That's not necessarily going to change even if you move him. He is probably feeling the separation so much more with everything that's been going on. And so must you be!! No wonder you feel guilty... You are doing your very best, Kel, stop beating yourself up.

I hope you find a way to work with him so that you can still get work done and he is a bit more happy. Your routine sounds somewhat like what I have with my DD, she now has 2 days at preschool, one day with a friend (we do a swapsies - so I have her DS the next day) and one day with just me. We just added the extra preschool day 'cause her nanny has gone o/s. It might be worth looking into the cost of a nanny if you can share it with someone else or they are registered (you get something back, but not as much back as you do for CC). But in my experience, it took my DD longer to adjust to having me in the house but not with her, than it did for her to be away from me at preschool. She loved it once she'd gotten used to it (and so did I, 'cause it meant I could still see her throughout the day and the nanny did chores for us!), but it was an adjustment.

[Bathsheba]

Oh Kell to me it sounds like it could be a combination of things: him picking up on the home situation, over stimulation of the centre and his personality.

I also understand how hard it is in reality to shop around for another centre or kinder... most have waiting lists for a start... and the paperwork and planning needed for each one is incredible. You can't just "try out" a series of other centres... they won't let you leave your child there unless they are fully enrolled... and that costs money too. So, if you have faith in this centre then I'd stay put. Do you have a good intuitive feeling about it? Do you like the staff? If so then maybe try a few other options... like taking up Div's suggestions of dropping Liijie off with Ned. Maybe a bit more distraction could work? During the predictable sobbing times maybe do things a little differently... maybe dress him somewhere a bit different each morning... just to keep him guessing... dress him in your bedroom... or the lounge room... so that instead of thinking "mum's dressing me for the centre" he'll be thinking "why is mum dressing me in her bedroom?". This is what I tried when my 3yo (at the time) was wailing "I don't want to go to kiiiiinder" every moring last year. It ended up that I decided to dress him in front of the TV... ABC Kids to the rescue LOL it didn't work every time... but a good percentage of the time he was so engrossed in Thomas The Tank Engine to forget about his distress at being dressed for kinder. Just a temporary solution... now we have a "no tv before kinder rule" because things have settled down.

Does the centre have a communication book? Marydean made a good point about how the actual room can make or break a centre for some kids. It's not too noisey is it?

What's the plan over summer? Will he keep going or do you have a break planned? I have found my kids do a alot of growing (physically and emotionally) over the summer months. Fingers crossed that Liijie will move through this anxiety over summer and settle into a happier pattern next year. In the meantime possibly the best thing you can do is muster all your inner resources and exude calmness with dealing with his anxiety. He might also be picking up on yours... remember to look into his eyes with all the calmness and happiness that you can find. Not a super happy "everything is rosey" approach... just keep telling him that you understand but remind him that everything will be ok... don't soothe him constantly in a way that implies that his fears are kind of justified... if you have faith in the centre make sure this trust is conveyed. I hope this hasn't come across as condescending... it such a subtle thing, hard to express. But well done on being so tuned in to your son's needs