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Thread: Is this control crying??

  1. #1

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    Default Is this control crying??

    Hi Girls ,

    feeling very sleep deprived and a bit like a bad mummy this morning so please be kind hehe :-)

    What exactly is Controlled crying?. When Kaitlyn is well and I know she is AOK and tired I will let her cry for up to 2minutes before going into comfort her ..as long as she is not hysterical. I will continue this up to 2minute rule unless she gets really upset at which time I pick her up until she calms down and her breathing is relaxed and then I will pop her back in her cot. I feel so horrible when she crys and I feel sick in my tummy. However I know she sleeps better during the night if I dont cuddle her to sleep ...just the type of bubs she is I guess as she wakes ALOT and always has. When she is sick I always rock her and comfort her as it is needed and then about a week after she has recovered I slowly ease her back into self settling herself..with my help of course.

    Is this horrible?...is this what is considered control crying ..

    Man this parenting thing can be hard sometimes! hehe



    Cass

  2. #2

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    I think that could be called cc but you're doing it gently, and there is nothing wrong with going in every minute or two and teaching her to self settle. It's different if they cry and cry and cry, but if you know what her limit is and yours, then you're doing the right thing. If she won't settle, you can stay and just pat her but leave her in the cot. Controlled crying doesn't have to be awful. If you went in and out say three times (over 6 minutes) and you didn't think she was settling, you can stay in and just not talk to her or look at her, but pat her so she knows you're there. At least you're not picking her up.(and it's ok to pick up, but if you want a self settler, it is not ok to pick up). So it means she won't get really upset, and knows you're there, but also knows when it's bedtime it's stay in the cot time.
    I have done it this way, gently, and it worked wonders. With no1 I was happy to feed to sleep, co-sleep and rock etc, but I just don't have the time or inclination to do that this time, and I feel much happier knowing that my bub is having a long undisturbed sleep (of course she's sick now and that is out the window for the moment) but it is necessary for me to be albe to spend time with DD1 and DH at night. For the first 9 weeks I spent an hour a night settling and it just meant DD1 was neglected, no one got dinner etc and I was a mess. It only took a few nights of putting her down in her cot and going in and out often (it was every 10 seconds I think...) but she never got upset becasue I was always right there to give her a pat.
    Ok, off on a tangent, sorry about that. Good luck and don't feel like a bad mum, it sounds like you're a very good mum xo
    Last edited by Mumma2three; June 5th, 2006 at 09:11 AM.

  3. #3

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    Hi Cass,

    I do the same thing, believe me. I wear him most of the day but sometimes, I have to leave him in his cot to settle himself. Just had to do it then while I fixed his bottle and attended to my own personal needs. Sometimes you have no choice. Don't feel horrible. You are not a bad person.

    Mel

  4. #4
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    I don't think it's that helpful to get caught up in definitions. I have heard that some people put their child to bed, lock them in, put padding around the door to muffle the screaming and don't open it again unil morning no matter what. I think most of us would agree that this is downright abusive. I have also heard people suggest that you carry, co-sleep and breastfeed 24 hours a day and never ever have even 1 second of crying. Sounds good, but most likely written by someone without children (or at least, without more than one child)! Where you fit in between the extremes is very much a personal decision where you have to take into accound your child, your family circumstances and your own level of reserves (emotional and physical). If something works for you and does not harm your child, then go ahead and do it. Plus remember that none of us is perfect, and what we do in theory seldom translates into practice. I don't usually like to leave kids to cry, however I have had occasional times when I had to put myself in Time Out for a couple of minutes. I left both children crying, because I was so upset and angry that I might have started screaming or hurting them if I hadn't stopped for a breather.

  5. #5

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    I have left both my babies to cry for short periods at times, more so when I had Grace as there were times when I simply had no choice but to let her cry for a couple of minutes while I attended to Harry or because I was busy doing something, like getting her bottle ready or going to the toilet! Even now there are times when she cries and I just can't get to her straight away. If she starts getting really upset when in bed I go to her straight away, or as fast as I can, and pick her up and give her a cuddle and hold her until she is relaxed then put her back in bed. Usually that one cuddle is enough - she is reassured that I will come to her and so she relaxes and goes to sleep.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing - I would say 2 minutes is a good period of time as it gives you enough time to establish whether she will settle by herself or whether she really needs you to come to her. Don't feel bad, there are always going to be times when you can't get to her straight away!

  6. #6

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    I've decided I hate definitions too! LOL!

    I sort of do what you do.

    I believe there are times when sometimes you can't help it if they cry, like I'm in the shower and he starts to cry on the floor and I've got shampoo in my hair I can't exactly get out with shampoo in my hair. Luckily I'll have Paris try to distract him but sometimes it doesn't work till I get out.

    With Seth, I don't think we CC, but I'm sure in some circles they would say we do. I don't care. Its worked with two kids, my children sleep wonderfully. Paris has always been a secure sleeper and still is and as I'm sure personality comes into play I also think I've listened to "their cues" as much as possible which I think is the best any parent can do. Both of my kids like their beds, we figured this out pretty early with Paris although with Seth because of everything I've read and learnt I doubted myself (silly huh!) and thought maybe we did CC Paris so I thought I would try the AP approach to sleep. Well, that lasted 2 weeks (and 2 weeks of taking 3-4 hours to get to sleep each night I might add) and I thought... Hmm maybe what we did with Paris wasn't such a bad thing. So I put him down in his cot, (he squawked initially) then I spoke and patted etc till he calmed down, then when he was calm we left and haven't looked back since. Our sleep routine goes like this... Wrap, plug, music ... then I'll talk and stroke till he calms down, then I'll leave the room. If he gets upset I'll come back straight away (I guess this is why I don't really see it as "controlled" as I'm not timing it I just go to him) and I'll talk and stroke and replug to calm down (we don't pick him up unless he's distressed or won't resettle) and if he doesn't calm down its usually because he's not tired, or he's hungry or dirty etc. But I swear if someone heard the way he first objects when you put him down you'd think I was murdering him LOL but then after about 30 secs he stops. Whereas if you try and settle him in your arms, that 30 secs might be 15-30 mins so that to me is evidence enough that he wants to be in his bed. And the reason I don't pick him up every time he cries is because this can often wake him up fully and then he'll get even more upset because he has to get back to where he started. Its like when you need to get up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and you get out of a nice warm bed and that "comfy" position etc I think the same would be for them too... So I look at it this way my reasons for doing what I do other than "it works" is because to me it is gentle, and my son gets as much rest as he needs as a result.

    Definitions I think are starting to be the bane of our parenting generation... don't put yourself in a box, parent by heart its the best you can do.

    *hugs*
    Cailin

  7. #7

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    I would define CC as letting a child cry until they are in distress and still not comforting them. All children make noises; gurgling and whatnot, as well as the odd cry - if that stops, that doesn't mean the child has been CC'd, just that the child stopped that noise. You have said if Kaitlyn is distressed you won't just let her cry, so that's not control crying - not to me, anyway. If you've ever seen a poor wee mite of a baby under 3m old scream and scream until they're red in the face and their heart is almost pounding out their chest because their parents are CCing then you'll understand why I see a difference in letting a child make a noise for a short while but not get that upset. Others, however, will disagree - just go with the definition you like best!

    HTH.

  8. #8

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    Thanks so much girls!.

  9. #9

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    Cailin,
    We hadnt had probs with Indah sleeping, but her eye teeth are cutting thru ATM... Since Thursdsay night she has woken up crying & screaming, but is asleep! On Thursday night I picked her up to comfort her & it resulted in DH & I up for 2.5 hours (both having to work on Friday & were knackered!) In the end nothing wo=as working, she refused dummy, I had fed her boob but she wasnt interested, we put her in our bed so we'd get some rest, but she just played... so after 2.5 hours I popped her in her cot & left her!!! She did scream/cry for about 5 mins & both DH & I were in knots but to the point if wew ent in we'd probably just be angry!!! She fell asleep & I ended up having to waker her to give to my sister on friday morning! She has now done this everynight, I dont pick her up now either (coz as you said it just totally wakes them!) I have given her the dummy & walked out. She then grizzles on & off for almost half an hour, but if I go in we start all over again... Hopefully the teeth will pop through & she will be sleeping again in no time!
    I dont think this is CC, If she got really upset & distressed we'd go in & nurse her or whatever, but it's more crying out & moaning, but in her sleep.....
    It's very confusing what to do,but after Thursday night we know if we pick her up she will be up alnight long!

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