gentle solutions - do they REALLY work?

[sushee]

not much to add to all the great advice except to say that yes, absolutely, gentle parenting works, and not only that, controlled crying (that is not being responsive to your baby's distress) is psychologically damaging for young babies (copius studies of which are available from any first year psychology text book).

My son Charlie is another gentle parenting success story.

[mgm]

It all depends what you mean by 'work'! I used gentle methods but with mixed success, although I'm still happy with what I did.

My DS was a 'terrible sleeper' in conventional terms - he was very difficult to get to sleep and woke every 1.5 hours at night for a feed til he was 2 (when I weaned him). Even now if he wakes up in the night and no one else is in the room he'll usually come find me to be led back to bed. Those first 2 years were incredibly difficult but I regard the need to be rocked, the nighttime wakings and his need for company as completely normal. I do wish he'd been an 'easier' sleeper - daytime naps were a nightmare and he gave them up at 1.5 - but he's now a very affectionate, secure little boy and I like to think the sacrifices I made contributed to that. BUT i would never judge anyone who chose to go an alternative route, because those choices can be tough to make.

People have given you some good suggestions - try them out, read a lot, maybe join the online 'no cry sleep solution' forum (on yahoo i think) for more ideas.

Good luck!

[Tobily]

I have a nearly 18 month old whose sleep has been through some absolutely shocking periods and even when it's "good" it's unpredictable, patchy and not really that great lol.

Controlled crying (or controlled comforting, whatever they want to call it) didn't work with him. We tried it on the advice of a private sleep consultant who is apparently Brisbane's answer to the baby whisper...we were on the very edge after 9 months of him waking every couple of hours and were desperate for it to just stop. I think we worked with her method for about 3-4 days and had zip, zilch improvement. And to boot our three year old - who sleeps 12 hours solid every night - was up half the night as well with all the noise.

I think alot of the attraction with CC is that from what I've seen, when it does work it works very quickly. A matter of a few days. But as kelly said I guess I'm not comfortable with "how" it works.

Gentle methods definitely are more time consuming, and need a longer commitment from parents to work. Change is often gradual and can be two step forward, and one step back. To me it's definitely a slower process and you do have to be committed and perservere, sometimes doing the same things for weeks before you can say it's getting better.

Hang in there, listen to your instincts. Despite what anyone is telling you to do you have to be able to integrate that into what you're comfortable with as a parent. Hard gig eh?.

[Bathsheba]

Gentle methods definitely are more time consuming, and need a longer commitment from parents to work.

Not always, I'm one of the world's laziest parents and with my third I just don't "do" the pat pat pat thing on the bottom when they wake anymore (for example)... if it's night time my baby comes into bed with me. The crying stops the minute I lift him from his cot... I take him back into bed with me.... we both get comfortable... he instantly settles and has a quick feed, usually about 2 minutes... sometimes we both drift straight back to sleep... sometimes I then carry him back to his cot. Easy as. Some people might apply the logic that a baby will learn to prefer joining the parent in bed... but the opposite has been true with my 2 co-sleepers: they learn security a lot faster than alone cot sleepers and learn to desire their own space more quickly. My 21 month old wakes at 6am these days and comes into bed with us for the last 1/2 to 1 hour. this is very do-able. it's my instinctual way to deal with wakefulness and i'm pleased that it also appeals to my lazy parenting preference!

[MistyFying]

My two kids are also good examples of gentle settling techniques. Both of mine were rocked to sleep at first, then soothed and settled in their cots with back rubs, pats, gentle touches on their faces as they got a little older (and heavier!) Now, if they both go to bed without any trouble at 7pm. Sometimes they still do come into our bed, but it's usually if they have a nightmare or feel unwell and they need some extra comfort.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I second that, Bath! Definitely easier on everyone all round if you go the gentle road. Gotta spread love, though...
Being a hard ar$e takes energy, creates stress and stomps on your instincts. Not worth the hassle.
It's harder in terms of putting up with people's ignorant comments about rods for backs (like you, Cai! Also, I would regard a time schedule as more of a rod...what if you want to go out???), dumb things people say about co-sleeping (oh, not to mention the looks you get from them...if I said out loud what I think of separated sleeping I'd be called rude - and my ideas are backed by research - so what makes it ok the other way around?), and being given looks that imply "why aren't you just letting the child cry/giving him a smack/using 'time out' (ugh!)/yelling at him?"...and then you look at your child and realise that's it's not so hard to put up with that dumbness when you've got living proof that gentle parenting produces wonderful, secure and engaging kids. Not to say that kids who have experienced CC aren't all those things, they just (in my experience) can't be generalised as having those characteristics. Every child I know who is gentle parented has something about them - some call it defiance, I call it mutual respect.
I've been thinking about something in the last couple of days, in relation to a friend of ours whose husband does hard ar$e. I'm thinking of some way to get through to him without directly addressing the issue. I thought of this:
Respect, discipline and trust work on a demerit system. When our kids are born and just little, they automatically look to us for protection (this is evolutionary instinct in any mammal). We have their respect for our experience and ability to protect. There is no 'the kid needs to learn to respect me'...we start out with full respect. So, when kids show disrespect, something has gone awry in the parenting cycle - we've eroded a fundamental trust and respect. Every time we pretend that kids are subhuman and undeserving of the attention and consideration for feelings we afford to adults (well, most of us...I think), we lose points. Kids may not have the reasoning and sense of consequence that we have as adults, but they still have these senses - they are being shaped and molded every minute they're awake. Their reasoning is not flawed, it is based on the best information they have at the time, the best that their inexperienced brains can do with that information.
So, since I decided that I am working on the premise of a demerit system (a few days ago) I am even more careful with how I treat Oscar and how I treat his often 'inconvenient' actions.
But this is all just putting words to instinct - instinct serves a real purpose and if the warning bells are going off (like when you speak to a health professional)...LISTEN
BTW: I used an Ergo sling for DS to get him to sleep until recently - he's got to be near on 12 kg if not over (oops, haven't been to the maternal nurse since the 12 month check!). By the end of it, I was waiting till he was REALLY tired before putting him in, so he'd only be in for no more than 10 minutes before nodding off, cos it was getting too hard on my pelvis (I have SPD) to carry him or fight with him (he'd arch and wriggle) for any longer than necessary. Now he can go to sleep with just someone lying next to him (in our bed), often whilst attached to boob.

[mihnister]

Thanks for all the replies. The encouragement is great . I think I have a few weeks to come up with a non-rocking settling method before my back can't cope, so I can keep trying the gentle methods for a bit.

I called Tresillian back and say "i'm not going to do this". The suggestion was to try letting him grizzle and just not let it get to a cry. I feel much better being for honest with them about what I am prepared to do. the problem with the grizzle approach is that his grizzles only last about 4 minutes till they turn into what I call a cry. So I am going to work on making his cot a "happy place" as suggested, and once we are there, I'll try again. I figure I should only try it when I am willing to be consistent or he will start thinking "everytime I go into my cot I will just complain till mum picks me up".

I"m also going to get castors to put on his cot, so I can rock him in his cot. He might like it, worth a try anyway. The patting etc just doesn't work on him. I've tried holding his hand, he seems to like that.

i'm also buying a pinky mckay book.

And, I am going to not try and rock him to sleep for a nap for any longer than 25 min. If he takes more rocking than that, we're going for a walk instead. Kinder on my back.

BTW, the hot-water bottle trick is still great at night, but no dice during the day.

[Liz]

I agree that it depends on what you mean by 'work'. I still have to 'put' DS to bed, and he still requires a breastfeed before sleep (no longer falls asleep on the boob). He's been a pretty bad sleeper, waking frequently, so I wouldn't say the gentle methods have 'worked' because they were never intended to teach him anything anyway, but I believe that he's just being him.. and they DO get it eventually on their own without being taught. Lately he's been sleeping full nights.. and having one nap a day up to 2 hrs. It's a dream come true! LOL! He does come in to our bed some nights still, but we have no prob with that.

However, every baby is different. I can't try to 'put' DD to sleep, as she just gets more and more worked up. DD wants to be left alone to go to sleep (which is great) but I have to time it right. If she's overtired, then she ends up screaming in her cot If I pick up her tired cues right, then she just lies there and goes off to sleep.

My definition of gentle methods is really following your instinct and meeting your baby's needs. My DD does grizzle and sometimes cry to sleep.. because any attempt on my part to pick her up and comfort her just wakes her up too much and ruins everything LOL. But our methods change all the time too.. just the last few days she's taken to screaming when I leave the room, and grinning at me when I return (little bugga LMAO). Sometimes all she needs is some light strokes down her nose and a little song to calm her down and she's off to lalaland. We just do whatever works at the time.

Non-gentle methods are where you're trying to make the baby fit into something that goes against their nature or yours. They're babies, and they're dependant on us. You're doing a great job. Pfft to all those horrible nurses out there (and there are sooooo many) who make intuitive mums doubt themselves.

I guess i would say in answer to your question, that gentle methods may not necessarily 'work' if what you are wanting is set bedtimes and routines. With gentle methods, expect to be with your baby, and to be on call for your baby. Take every lazy option there is - take them to bed with you, put them to sleep in the pram if need be, wear them.. whatever! Nothing forms a lifelong habit. I won't say it doesn't create habits, coz in our experience it has, but the habits change and they do outgrow them If you're happy to meet your babies needs, then there's no problem