gentle solutions - do they REALLY work?

[mihnister]

I have to ask.

because, I had Tresillian around and the nurse said, you HAVE to let your baby cry or he will never learn to self settle. I don't want to let my bub cry, he's only 4 and half months.

but, he is very heavy (8.7kgs) and currently the only way I can get him to sleep is to rock him in my arms. argggggggggh my back is killing me.

i have the nocry sleep solutions book, and I am trying a few of the suggestions in it but I don't have a full plan yet.

I am having trouble with the graduated transitioning to cot ideas, because when bub's head hits the cot, he cries. he won't be consoled in cot with rocking or patting or singing. I can put him down happy but awake and leave him there till he grizzles, once I pick him up and calm him down, though, he seems to go back to "cot is evil" mode.

I can keep trying. but the Tresillian advice has knocked my confidence right on the head. I feel like a failure as a mum. Why bother if, as they say, he won't learn to sleep unless I let him cry?

i really just need some confidence boosting (and extra suggestions if you have them) to give me the energy to keep going with this. it's not easy going against the advice of "experts" when you are getting desperate!

[Ginger]

hi mihnister

have you read any of the Pinky Mackay books? i've found they've really helped me with my confidence and trusting my instincts.

[AnyDream]

I had the same problem when DD was in her cradle. Before she went into her cot, I would spend some time each day in her room, with her in her cot playing with toys and chatting, so she got the idea it was a happy space. Seemed to work as she is generally happier in her cot than she was in the cradle.

Re the sore back - could you borrow or buy a good comfy rocking recliner chair from somewhere? We have a lay-z-boy and which is really well supported in the back, and it rocks, so I can do all the patting and rocking and shooshing in relative comfort. Might help?

[Lucy]

Some really good suggestions above!

And yes, I promise you, gentle DOES work.

Olivia, Charlie and Lexie, whilst all very different in personality and sleep tendancies, have never been left to cry.......and they have all learned to self settle easily. Promise.

TRUST your instinct.

[~Debbie~]

I think it depends on what you deem "let him cry".
I have never been to sleep school, for similar reasons you have stated, i dont want to let my baby cry. I dont want him to feel abandonded.
However, to a certain extent, I htink they do need to learn how to settle them selves, so, i put him in his cot, and if he crys, i just stay with him, and try to console him best i can. If he gets unconsolable, then, i pick him up till he calms down, and then, put back in again. I dont necessarily pat him, but, i keep one hand on his back, or tum, or even his forehead. Or let him hold my finger, and i keep talking to him, calm, steady constant voice. During the night i might pick him up and rock him to sleep abit more as i dont want him to wake the household up, and, i dont want him to wake up so much either.
It has worked, it has taken abit to teach him to do it himself. I focused on day sleeps first, just being there with him, and then, started on his night sleeps.
The only time he really goes off the self settling thing is when he is teething now.
I was recommended to read The Baby Whisperer books, and they where great.

ETA - I also let him have playtime in his cot, and in his room, so he associated it with a fun place to be. If he wakes, and he is happy in his cot playing, then i leave him there till he wants out. He has his teddy in his cot, and a giraffe and 9/10 times will play happily. I think that is important as well.

[Nadine216]

Seems to me he ... likes you *wink-wink* He just wants you to hold him and give him cuddles.

I had a 2.5 month old that for a while (ok, it was more like three months) would only sleep ON me during the day. There came a time when I was to afraid to wake her at 11pm for her last bf of the night, because I KNEW she would not settle back. Thing is ... they get bigger and they learn and they move on, so to speak. ATM I put dd in her cot with her bottle at bed time, give kisses and walk out of the room. Yes, sometimes I have to go back three of four times, just to assure her that I am still around, but most times she just go to sleep. And IMO 4.5 months are to young to "teach" them to sleep when you want them too. When he gets older, you can try leaving him fussing a bit longer. Use your instinct. If you feel like he is just moaning to get your attention, leave him a while, go in, talk to him, give him a dummy (if you use that) and walk out. In the beginning you will have to do that LOADS of times, but they do fall asleep eventually.

If you are not totaly comfortable with leaving him to cry himself to sleep, DON'T DO IT. It will make you stressed, which in turn would make him more stressed, which would drive you bonkers. Do what feels right for you and your bubba

You could try putting him in his pram and pushing him around the dinningroom table.

[mihnister]

thanks for the replies everyone, I appreciate the advice and support! It takes energy to try all these new options, but if it works then it is worth it to avoid the crying.

Last night was the best in two weeks. Maybe because he had his shots yesterday?

also for the first time I put a hot water bottle in his bed while I was feeding him, and removed it just before I put him down.
I was thinking that he might be happier if I put him in a warm bed not a cold bed. He did settle straight away, but he also woke up less. because of the 4-month vaccinations. I also followed advice from no-cry sleep solutions to keep night feeds quick, so i tried not to fall asleep myself.
I think I'll try this trick for daytime sleeps today and see if it helps then too.

if you think of any more advice, please do let me know cos i will try ALL of it.

[Jus]

HI, sounds like you're doing a great job! I also don't want my littlie to cry (although I haven't done much reading on the gentle settling stuff). Doesn't make sense to me, though I've been told by numerous friends I should and that you can easily distract yourself for each 10 minute session! I want DD's needs met and I figure crying is her way of telling me what she needs. She's 4 months, and we've used a range of strategies from the Baby Whisperer's books. I don't follow it religiously, but I've picked some things that work for us, depending on how unsettled DD is.
I think what I'm working out is that I need to have confidence in the strategy I've picked and stick with it (I look at the clock and know that in 30 min (usually) at the most, she will be asleep. That helps me relax while I'm settling her rather than stressing over what I want to get done.
Consistency seems to be the other thing - pick your strategy & keep using it!
The other thing that helps me is thinking what she's saying when she's crying - from the Baby Whisperer "hey mum, I can't sleep, I need some help" - that reduces the stress that the crying produces and gives me more confidence.
You know your baby best, so keep going with what you're doing. Sounds like you're doing a great job at reading the cues already! Good luck!