So it seems like the dominant/popular parenting advice that is out there (from mchn etc) is that you should try to avoid picking your child up when they wake up in order to re-settle them. I appreciate that the aim of this is to help them to learn to settle themselves. Its a nice theory....
But a nice cuddle is often the only thing that works for my little guy. I have tried patting/ soothing him while he is in his cot but usually he just gets more worked up, or it takes forever to get him to settle again. But if I pick him up and we have a nice cuddle in the rocking chair, he is usually out like a light and I can put him down again. He goes from upset to calm and relaxed super quick, and its sooooo nice. I love cuddling him!
So why is it seen as so bad? Am I "creating a rod for my back"? And what does that mean anyhow- that he will always need to be held to sleep?
Sometimes I just don't get these parenting theories- it seems so instictive to pick up and cuddle my upset child....can he really learn to self settle at 4.5 months old? Or am I just being lazy and taking the easy way out and doing him a disservice by not teaching him another way?!!
while the advice mchn give you, is quite help full and does work , its not for everyone and its only advice , not a "you must do this " the advice should be taken and adapted to suit your family ..
at 4 months old i do not see how you are creating a rod for your own back , babies under the age of one cry to communicate , they dont understand how to manipulate (yet) so NO imho i do not think you are spoiling him and if you feel he needs a cuddle then give him one , you are his mum and know him best ...
there is no point in both of you getting upset , it will lead you both into frustration ..
later on its fine to impliment a sleep routine , but for now keep is loose , it may well be that he falls asleep in your arms , then you put him down , but when he wakes hes not where he was when he fell asleep , so he gets startled ..
its best for him to learn that if he cries you will hold him , they thrive on that , then later on in the middle of the night resettle him with out picking them up ... they will cry and scream and carry on, but for now give you man a cuddle and leave the guilt outside ...
dig into your motherly instinct , you will find the answer !!
I think it depends. I think the idea is to gradually help them to self-settle. Newborns generally go to sleep very easily - feed, then sleep. When they're older, they don't necessarily go straight to sleep after a feed and a sleep cycle only lasts for about 40 mins. So ... if they woke up every 40 mins you wouldn't want to pick them up each time, otherwise they'd never learn to get to sleep without mum. Bear with me! So as they get older, the idea is to NOT put them down asleep, just sleepy and let them find their own ways of getting to sleep so that when they do stir after 40 mins, they already know how to get themselves back off to sleep.
Now, having said all that, if your baby is generally a good sleeper and only wakes up now and again (rather than every 40 mins), then I see no problem at all in picking them up.
I ALWAYS picked DD up straightaway if she cried because it meant she needed some comfort because ordinarily she was a very good sleeper.
Infact, she's now 14 months old and she just woke up screaming and I've just gone in there and given her a cuddle. Just a bad dream and she was back asleep within 2 minutes.
I did try the patting thing once and felt like an absolute dill. Cuddling always felt much more natural and normal to me.
I've got a friend whose DD refused to go to sleep (day or night) unless her mum patted her to sleep until she was about 3. So TBH I don't think patting is any better than cuddling - they may become dependent on that too and personally, I'd much prefer to cuddle than pat. She's a baby not a pet.
Yeh I don't know why I keep reading these forums cause I get so peeved at people recieving such bad advice (IMO!) from everywhere- MILs and CHNs are the worst
But I do believe wholeheartedly in instinctual, gentle parenting.
Cuddle your little fella! There is no such thing as a "bad sleep habit". It only becomes "bad" when YOU want it changed, and you can always change a pattern like that. Elizabeth Pantley's book "The No Cry Sleep Solution" is good on changing patterns. You could google "parenting baby to sleep" there is a great blog called that with lots of sleep info. There's lots on Belly Belly too of course.
You are not creating a "rod" for your own back - if you want him to settle on his own you might need to be a little calculated in what you do/encourage him into, but if you are happy to "parent him to sleep" then I think it is a wonderful gift to give a child.
They most definitely grow out of it, and many mums say they miss it terribly when they do. xx
definately cuddle him. i tried the controlled crying for a week and not picking my DD up and it stressed me out so much, along with her. then i just went with the flow, if she wanted to be hugged, i would pick her up and let her sleep with us too (she has been co-sleeper pretty much right through). and last week, she went into a toddler bed for the first time and loves it. i really don't think you are creating a rod for your back. they grow out of it eventually. follow your motherly instincts, good luck
Rajah - thank you for the tip on the parenting baby to sleep blog! I am reading through it now and am already reassured that I'm not spoiling Freyja by allowing her to co-sleep for part of the night and by hugging her to resettle
Jessica, I haven't read the replies evrybody else has given you but I jsut wanted to tell you to listen to your insticts. Don't worry about what other people tell you. You know your own child better than anybody else.
They might be right. Your child might take longer to learn how to self settle. But is that really a problem? He will learn it eventually. And it is impossible to say whether it is caused by your settling technique or by his own individual character.
I have heard so many stories of people who used controlled crying/comforting on their children and it didn't lead to any improvement. It only caused very stressed out parents and babies. Others swear by it. You need to do what works for you. Why fix something that isn't broken? If you don't have a problem cuddling him in the middle of the night, then why change a good thing?
I have always picked DD up and now, at 17 months, she goes to sleep on her own most nights (after a quick feed and cuddle) and can resetle herself most times when she wakes during the night. There are times when she can't, but I bet there are other things at work on those nights. Like bad dreams or teething or maybe being too hot/cold. But in the first 6 months of her life she NEVER went to sleep on her own. I fed her to sleep on our bed, then sneaked away quietly. We co-slept at night and during the day she either slept in my bed or in a sling on me. When she woke, I always fed or uddled her back to sleep.
At 6 months I transferred her to a cot in our room because she was crawling and I was scared she'd fall out of bed. She actually did once which was the turning point. She HATED being in her cot unless she was asleep. Until she was 12 months old, I only placed her into the cot once she was asleep and I would pick her up to resettle if she woke up. We still co-slept for part of the night. The theory of settling her by leaving her in the cot and patting her bottom just did not work for us. I actually tried it for a couple of days/nights, but she just got soooooo worked up and I just couldn't handle it. By picking her up, she usually resettled within a couple of minutes.
At 12 months she was driving me crazy by waking up more and more often, so I thought I would try and teach her to go to sleep on her won. And surprise surprise, I didn't have to teach her anything. She just did. She was ready for it and the transition was so easy. I put the cot in her room and there were never any tears involved.
Why did I give you such a detailed description? I just wanted to show you that I did all the "wrong" things. Yet, we got to the same destination in the end. I don't regret having chosen that path. Although, sometimes it did seem harder. But, I did not create a rod for my back. There is no anxiety about sleep time in this house. She actually loves it. When I put the sleeping bag on my bed, she gets excited and tries to put it on herself. No battles. She still comes into our bed between 5 and 6 am where she sleeps til 7-8am. I love being woken up by her kissing me or stroking my face. It just feels so right.
For some, this set up doesn't work. But for us it did.
I did crack it after I wrote this orignal post and decided I was sick of getting up all the time to put the dummy back in and I was also scared by the "main" telling me I was causing a problem by cuddling Peter to sleep, so I tried to wean him off both. It was an absolute unmitigated disaster leading to us both being horribly stressed and unhappy.
We are back to cuddling and dummies.
I would probably like to get rid of the dummy, but soon he will be able to find it on his own (PLEASE!!!!!), so I am not too stressed.
And I realised that the only reason I tried to give up the cuddles was because it seemed like everyone said I should. But I love the cuddles. Yes, I end up spending a fair bit of time in my baby's room rocking him during the day, but I love that time. So quiet and sweet and special. Its a nice rest for me too, where I don't have to (can't in fact) do anything else like dishes or whatever.
So between that and all your kind replies, I am a happy cuddler. Its so sweet when he just "collapses" on me like pp said.
I know exactly what ou went through when you did try and follow the common advice. I gave it a try, too and ended up bawling my eyes out more than DD.
She will find the dummy on her own at some stage. Actually, things improved for us when DD started accepting a dummy at 6 months. Before that she flat out refused it. She still has her dummy. And I'm in no rush to take it away from her. She only has it for sleep times.
Is it SOOOO bad to pick up to re-settle?
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