"Tough Love"

[Mak]

Oh Sue - that is awful and you know what she probably thinks that is helpful...... You are doing an amazing job! I found all that comparison stuff awful and really challenged who I thought I was. When you are that sleep deprived I found it is also really hard to keep an even keel with everyone/anyone who offered 'help'..... grrrhh.
Take care - and try and nap when she does or at least rest. xxxx

[westy]

Aww Sue i'm so sorry that your feeling this way, i know it's easier said then done but please dont let these mummies and their unwanted advice/comments get to you.

You are an awesome mum to your beautiful little Evie Jean, so please please please dont ever think or say you are or feel like you are a rubbish mum because that is so untrue...you are awesome and so is Evie, you just continue to do things in the way you wish to do them and forget about what anyone else has to say.Like it has been said they are only babies for such a short time and all of this will pass soon.

We must meet up again one day when school goes back, until then take care - i am thinking of you

[HotI]

My MG are lovely, I'm not dissing them at all but they have started a one night a month thing where we all meet up without the babies. I've been unable to go and remain unable to go because of DDs sleep. So I'm to try the tough love so that I can get a night out? I don't think so.

Surely you are not the only Mum not going to these outings. I would only be there if they were baby friendly events cos bub would be there with me .

Another annoying thing happened earlier when I was at my ABA meeting. Lots of the mums from my MG go there too and one of them had a "bad" night last night where her DS was awake every 2 hours. She said "now we know how Sue feels" and they all laughed. Glad to know that I'm keeping everyone amused. FFS.

mate, you are not the only one. i am awake and changing sides with bub every couple hours so she can fill up for another hour or two of sleep.

[Honeybee]

Another annoying thing happened earlier when I was at my ABA meeting. Lots of the mums from my MG go there too and one of them had a "bad" night last night where her DS was awake every 2 hours. She said "now we know how Sue feels" and they all laughed.

What? That is so not funny. I'd be tempted to take a week off from them as well. It's so hard, because it's great to have the contact with other mums and share the things that we do have in common, but it can also make me feel like a bit of an oddball, because I do things a bit differently.

Actually, what I have started trying to do is be a bit more confident about my style of parenting. I think I may have spoken about it in a kind of apologetic way before, and I try to be more matter-of-fact about it now. Still doesn't stop the controlled crying type of advice if I ever have a whinge though. I think I have trouble feeling confident about the way I choose to parent, and I wonder sometimes if that's why I'm offered advice - I talk like I'm a bit lost, so people try to help the only way they know how.

Also - I think that the benefits of the 'tough love' parenting are more readily apparent - parents get evenings together, they can go out easily, babysitting is easy etc. The benefits of the more gentle style are harder to notice to the outside observer - more securely attached little people who will hopefully have a really strong foundation to build on for the rest of their lives. When I lose confidence in what I'm doing (which I have been recently), I try to remind myself that this will pay off in the end - for DS and for our relationship with him as he grows up. Thanks for this thread hun - it's reminded me again to try to stay on track.

You are doing a fabulous job with your DD, and she is lucky to have you as her mummy

[Mak]

I felt much better after reading 'the Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland - kind of reminded me why I had chosen the approach I had (in the end, when I hadn't been talked out of it by others...). FWIW Miss 2 and a bit coslept, until she insisted on a bed of her own, was fed to sleep (and sometimes hourly over night) and is now the most confident, stubborn and fiercely independent little girl. Partly personality I know but also I am convinced cos she felt so secure etc.

ETA Actually she is almost a bully.....hmm......lol!!!

[MummaSue]

Thank you again everyone.

It's good to know I'm not alone. I read somewhere that the controlled crying approach is "short term gain for a long term loss".

A couple of weeks ago I was directed to a thread on another forum which turned into a MASSIVE argument about controlled crying. There was a woman who posted there saying that she was convinced that her teenage son's mental health difficulties are down to the fact that she did controlled crying with him. Made me feel really sad for her. I've worked with teens with mental health difficulties for a long time and when we would take their history, many of them had been subject to controlled crying. Always used to freak me out when I chatted to the parents.

I have varying degrees of confidence. It's just been thrown this week a bit because DD is struggling too. When she is sad I wonder if I'm doing something wrong - but of course I'm not because she has teeth on the way! Wee sausage!

Anyway, that was a bit of a digression.

Thank you again all!

S X

ETA - the Science of Parenting is a permanent fixture on my bedside table! Love that book!

[onthefly]

I read somewhere that the controlled crying approach is "short term gain for a long term loss".

I think sometimes we need to get a leeetle bit of perspective. It's hard when you're sleep deprived I know, but the point of becoming parents isn't to get our children to settle without us so we can return to life as normal. I mean, sure, it's nice to get some sleep, but it isn't really much of a long-term goal.



*I'm tired. I hit the wrong button and almost deleted most of your post Sue, rather than replying with quote. oops.

[Loveinamist]

very good thread! I feel for you mummasue! I too had just decided to take a break from people in general for much the same reason. My gentle parenting crew are also 'letting the side down' and i am just tired of feeling like a lone ship on the parenting scene! I have just deleted a whole lot of people off facebook and vowed never to discuss any aspect of parenting again! I am keeping it all private now. Just so tired of it all.

[Sterla]

MummaSue!

I'm sorry you're not getting the support and advice you need IRL from other mums. I had a few comments here and there, but I was lucky enough to find a few mums within my MG who (for the most part) shared my views on controlled crying. I would share articles with them and we'd talk about how - yes it is hard when you're sleep deprived, but CC just wasn't for us.

DS was a pretty shocking sleeper for quite a long time, but we never let him CIO or did CC. I would never have been able to bring myself to leave him anyway. It feels like it's never going to end - but you know what, DS just slept through one night (about 3 months ago) and has slept though ever since. We never pushed anything, he was ready. He's now able to fall asleep all by himself too, and again, we didn't push it, he did it on his own .
As DS gets older I'm starting to see the benefits of our gentle parenting approach - he is such a happy, content and affectionate little boy. Some of it is personality of course, but I also think part of it is because he feels so safe and secure and loved - we have never given him a reason to not feel that way.

We're all here to support you .

[BeautifulMadness]

problem is most parents think they know much more then you do...it happens @ my playgroup and you just nod and agree and do it you';re way...you know ur child better then anyone else does...trial and error

[Fleur]

Unfortunately sometimes I feel like a rubbish mother because I'm still struggling with sleep issues, when other people I know who do 'tough love' seem to have it under control.

I actually feel proud for (this time around) being informed enough & strong enough to make my OWN choices as to how I parent.

I think everyone has a point at which, that's enough. There are mothers who have had to resort to CIO options for their own sanity, that doesn't make them bad mothers. But we are fine doing what we are doing here, and that's ok too, that doesn't make me a crap mother either.

I think it's really poor of them to make fun of it though. If the shoe was on the other foot I wonder how they would feel. Actually they sound like a pack of rude *****es.

Butterfly Warrior posted a beautiful story the other day, a gentle parenting WIN!! If I can find it I will link it.

ETA - here

[~Kaz~]

Just wanted to say that I don't think anyone who has posted in this thread is a rubbish mother. I don't know you all very well but it seems you are doing what you think is best for your child. And that's enough.

I think sometimes, parents take a line, be it 'gentle' or 'tough love' (hadn't heard CIO or CC referred to that way before!) or something else and talk it up and then they have backed themselves into a corner if it doesn't work, or stops working or only works some of the time. So I think sometimes they rave about their method cause they're known for using it and it becomes too hard to admit it doesn't always work. Sure there are probably lots of CC/CIO experiences that have worked but I would bet you anything you want that at least some of those parents are now lying. Being competitive about parenting is so common, and so boring IMO.

I think its a real shame that your group can't support you and respect your choices more MummaSue. And it's a bigger shame that some of them are also present in another forum (ABA) where you could be accessing support. Why don't you lend them your Science of Parenting book? Or at least rave on about it and tell them to get it out from the library. Don't make reference to CC etc just rave about this great book you've found based on science. It's also ok to inform the advice givers that you just want to vent and aren't really looking for advice but thanks anyway. If you do it nicely it shouldn't burn any bridges and will probably stop future advice too.

I always try to remember that every parent is struggling with something at every developmental stage of their child's life. Maybe not struggling all the time but facing challenges YKWIM? If they're not being challenged by sleep right now then something else is a little difficult, whether they're being honest about it or not. It might be something in themselves or in their child but there is always a challenge. Right now sleep is a challenge for you (and me and others in this thread!) but down the track you will breeze through something else as a parent/child team while they struggle with it. I think it all evens out in the end.

Enjoy your break from the group. xx