When will this phase finish?? I need more sleep....

[Shanti]

Hi,

My DD is nearly 10 months old and for about 6 wks now she's been really unsettled at night, refuses to sleep before 8:30pm/9pm each night, and when she does go down, tends to wake a few hours later and we are finding we are re-settling her an hour later sometimes after her just going down, sometimes 2hrs later. We have had a bed time routine since 11wks....It's hard because we aren't getting any 'couple' time anymore in the evenings as she's awake with us while we're having dinner etc. If we do try to get her down she screams like we're trying to kill her and doesn't want to leave us so we just let her play on the mat while we eat dinner etc... On average she wakes 2-3 times a night to be resettled.... she still feeds once a night but I know that's normal and she's being breastfed so that isn't bothering me at all having to get up to her for her feed.
But when she wakes after going down 1hr prior, it's hard.... she's so unsettled lately. We did just move house too not sure if that could be upsetting her....

She did just get her first two teeth so I know she is having trouble with her teething pains so I know that doesn't help but this has been going on for weeks now and I'm exhausted from not getting more than 4-5hrs sleep in a row...... AND she isn't the best day sleeper so it's not like I can just say "oh well we had a sh*t night, at least i can sleep today" cos it doesnt happen.

We feed to sleep day and night as it's fast, easy and DD is happy so that's all that matters. I don't have a problem with co-sleeping however we always start the night with DD in her cot as I do prefer her in her own cot. She's in our room too. She was in her own room but we moved house and her bedroom is the other end of the house and i didn't want to leave her in her own room just yet in a new house iykwim......

At one stage, a few months ago, she would sleep 7 to 7 and only wake once in that time for a feed and would settle back down again straight away!!!
We've been doing ALOT of co-sleeping just so we can all get a bit more sleep too as she will scream the house down if we put her back after her feed even if she was really sleepy, the minute her head touches the cot she screams cos' she knows i'm going to leave her... (i know separation anxiety etc).....

Her day sleeps aren't all that great either..... so if we have a bad night, it's not like I can just sleep during the day when she sleeps as she doesn't often sleep for long if at all.... she slept a total of 1hr today and that was in the car (30mins there and back) when we went out..... I tried again to get her to sleep today at 3pm but she wouldn't have a bar of it and it ended with her in tears, me in tears and then going for a walk with her still crying....

I just feel like I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel with her lack of sleep..... I just need more sleep!! I know this is all probably VERY normal for bubs this age but why is it some mum's at mum's group seem to be getting waaaaaaay more sleep than me????? What am I doing wrong?

Any tips or advice anyone? My question also, is that if we're not persisting with her getting to bed at a reasonable time like 7pm and instead letting her have her own way and playing and staying up til 9pm with us, is this setting a bad habit up for her??? And Mum thinks she is manipulating us with not wanting to sleep etc.... should we be spending more time getting her to sleep??? I just don't see the point if she doesn't want to sleep, then why make her get all upset???? She's usually so exhausted by 9pm she will finally fall asleep on the boob.

I love my baby girl soooo much and just want to see her getting more sleep and being more settled..... oh and teething SUCKS!!!!!!!!

[briggsy's girl]

i would probably persist with the sleeping in the cot thing. DD was, until a couple of weeks ago, a baby that refused, in the day, to sleep anywhere but on me. if i put her down, she'd either wake up full of smiles after 30 seconds (no matter how long she'd been asleep) or scream blue murder at me.

so, i decided i needed some time to myself in the day to get stuff done (she's not a fan of the HAB or slings). the first couple of sleeps weren't easy. i put her in her cot, kept puttng the dummy back and stroking her head when she whinged. if her whinge developed into a cry, i picked her up and resettled, then straight back down. after two days of this we found she was going to sleep with us not even in the room!

she doesn't go straight to sleep every time - she will let us know if she is still hungry. she will let us know if she is wet etc. but mostly, she just goes to sleep really well on her own now. the only times i've had real problems is when she has fallen asleep on the boob and i relocate her - she's very unhappy when that happens! we now tell her she is heading to bed. we wrap her like she is wrapped at night. we put her music on for her

it's not easy - and you may have a few days of adjustment - but i have read from a lot of sources that putting babies to bed awake and helping them to settle themselves is more successful than feeding to sleep and relocating. our night time or middle of the night feeds i feed to sleep laying in bed - and DH gets up to put her back in her bed - so she is gently moved away from me, and then put in bed. she will sometimes wake up and have a bit of a chin wag to whoever will listen (which sounds very cute and hard to ignore!) but she doesn't cry at all.

good luck sorting something outt

[Shanti]

BG - thanks for your post.

Thing is, she can self settle and fall asleep on her own for her day sleeps too.... she doesn't always feed to sleep.... I shouldn't say that cos' its not true. She can and will fall asleep on her own some days in her cot when she's showing tired signs and grizzling and she'll go to bed on her own after 5mins or so in her cot rolling around lol.....

At around 4-6mth mark we had everything going really well, she could put her self to sleep, she would go to bed same time EVERY night and not wake again for hours later after a big BF before her bed time etc.....

Just seems now that she's an older baby she is more aware of what is going on and just REFUSES to go to sleep...... and because of her lack of sleep she's not as happy and is tired alot of the time but just keeps on fighting through the tiredness..... she's generally a really happy bubba!

She's also not a dummy baby, never would take one and I'm glad anyway so now i don't have to wean her off one!!! BUT she will use me as her dummy and thats fine too. It's natural.

I guess I just feel at a LOSS at the moment..... like where to from here sort of thing..... I feel I have tried everything and done the right things and i know i'm an awesome Mum etc!! it's just so exhausting and I am finding her sleep at the moment really rather CHALLENGING for me. And it's hard at night time cos' she will quite often only want to settle with me rather than DH so it's like I just don't get a break..... i know Motherhood is 24/7 and that's fine but when they dont' sleep well for weeks day and night its soooo hard hey!!!
DH is great at the moment he's keeping her occupied to give me a well deserved break! it's been a tough day!

[briggsy's girl]

fair enough
i'm kinda lucky with DD and the dummy - she'll take it, but only when she's tired - and as soon as she's asleep (often before) she spits it out! she also refuses unless waaaaaaaaaay over tired now, to go to sleep on the breast - too much else to look at i guess lol

[Jakabella]

Bella self settles and still does when she goes to bed! I have just decided to not force her to go to bed and if its 10pm then thats how it has to be at this stage - she just plays and walks around all the furniture and things like that. If we try and force her then she gets upset and I dont want that.

We have thrown her into bed with us in the middle of the night of late and she goes traight back to sleep so once she is asleep I will put her back in the cot - she sometimes sleeps with us all the rest of the night but she HOGS the bed!!

Bella sleeps very well during the day (2 x 2hr sleeps some days) so I may drop a day sleep to help with her night sleeping.

I think that at these ages that they are so aware of whats going on that they dont want to miss out!!

Kate

[Shanti]

I'm actually glad DD falls asleep on the boob cos' it is soooo handy!! I'm happy to keep doing it too as it seems to work for us. Sometimes when I put her down though, yes she will start crying as if to say "mum don't leave me i was comfy!" but most of the time she won't....

Jakabella - yeah its hard when they refuse to go to sleep at a decent time huh?? Last night it was 11pm for DD she went down at 9pm but woke 3 times between 9 and 11!!! Argh!

Marcellus - thanks, yeah I think my Mum thinks its manipulation because that is what they were taught perhaps 30yrs ago.... I too agree with you. It's just responsive parenting. I try not to listen to some of the 'older' parenting styles since there is more update knowledge these days
And yep we do put her in her cot from the start and during the night if she feeds, she will be put back to her cot but other times i am too exhausted and she falls asleep next to us.... which is nice as we wake up with a little cute face staring back at us

I just wonder.... will she eventually go back to going to bed at a decent time? say 7pm again>???? one day?? cos that was good..... LOL!!

[Shanti]

Jakabella - yep we are the same.... we don't see why we should force her to sleep if she doesnt' want to and it only upsets her.... so she just sits up and plays on the floor and rolls around etc.... she then lets us know when she's really had enough... (finally LOL!).
You are lucky in that if you have a bad night, you can have a few hours sleep in the day!!!

Don't get me wrong, some days DD will sleep a 2hr sleep sometimes 3hr sleep! but not every day....

[Emma1979]

do whatever works for you at the time, if it is less stressful letting her stay up until 9pm than spending time agonising trying to force her to sleep, then let her stay up... honestly try not to worry about 'bad habits' - kids are resilient and its easy for them to be trained out of most things, kids that have been dependent on dummies all their life often give them up in just a few days, you think it can't be done but it can!

also she doesn't KNOW what time it is, she doesn't know she is going to bed at 9pm instead of 7pm.... i noticed a huge improvement on my little girl's sleep when she began to walk, she started having day sleeps and night time settled down a bit...

honestly its up to you how you go about doing things in your own home, but i spent a lot of time trying to force my dd into what she 'should' be doing, and at the end of the day, i would have enjoyed motherhood a whole lot better if i had of relaxed and followed her lead.... i know its hard not having couple time now, but say in 3 months time things settle down and she is in bed by 7pm, would you rather have spent those 3 months trying to get her to sleep, or would you prefer to have her on a playmat etc until she is exhausted and just wait out the phase....

if you decide the phase isn't ending you can always come up with a plan of attack, but honestly, most periods of unsettledness sort themselves out in time...

its easy for an outsider to say she is manipulating you into staying up later (even though she doesn't know what 'later' really is?!) but at the end of the day you are the one who has to deal with it, so do whatever works for you and what you can live with best...

good luck, hope it sorts itself out soon xx

[Emma1979]

ps just wanted to say that YES, she will go to bed at a reasonable time again, seriously i promise.... once they are walking you can physically tire them out in the afternoon by doing lots of outside time and physical activity - they get knackered and have no choice but to pass out!!

[Jakabella]

Aw Ren I cant offer any advice coz Bella is doing the same thing ATM! She WILL NOT go to bed ANY earlier than 8.30 and thats an early night as last night it was 10pm!! She was waking once a night for a feed to but that stopped this week, but she is still very unsettled at night and I am up quite a bit and re tucking her or putting back the dummy.

I REALLY UNDERSTAND where you are coming from - and I like you HOPE its a phase and that it ends soon,

I think because Bella is now crawling and almost walking that she is just going through a HUGE developmental period and her brain in so occupied with walking / crawling that sleep is taking a huge back seat at the moment.

I have been trying to put her down earlier and let her play in her cot for a while - then thats ok but if she crys then I get her straight back up.

I is really rough and DH and I are missing our couple time and me my ME time as well... so I am hoping that someone who has been there done that will have some advice!!

Hugs babe, Im not getting much more than 4-5 hrs in a row either and it sux!!



Kate

[onthefly]

It's tough, I know.
She obviously just needs more of you at the moment, as exhausting as that is. DS was the same. It did get better.
6-7 months we persisted with the cot. It was hell.
7.5 months we switched to mattress on the floor, co-sleeping for a few nights, then he was happy as larry to sleep alone.
8 -9.5 months, he was teething. had some bad nights when he needed me all night, and some good ones where he was happy alone.
9.5-11m - absolute hell.
11m, finally, that 6th tooth popped through and he went back to happily sleeping alone.

All babies are different and this is just my experience, but....
We rocked and fed to sleep. I fed him through the night and coslept when he needed it. This is not manipulation, this is parenting responsively. This did not establish awful life-long habits.

I think you're right - there is no point in trying to get her to sleep if she really doesn't want to. I also agree it's probably a mixture of separation anxeity and teething. Could also be developmental - is she doing anything new these days (or trying to...)?

If she's happier in bed, I'd sleep her there from the start if you can. Even if you try and move her back to the cot after she's asleep. She may well feel more secure that way and sleep better... worth a try.

Otherwise, sorry, but I don't know any quick fixes.

[sneakysparkle]

My question also, is that if we're not persisting with her getting to bed at a reasonable time like 7pm and instead letting her have her own way and playing and staying up til 9pm with us, is this setting a bad habit up for her???

For a baby I dont believe there is a 'reasonable' bed-time, I think its more about how many hours they are sleeping. If shes not ready for bed till 9pm - then I think - wait till she's ready, and will go happily!
I dont think youre setting up any bad habits, I think its not really important to implement a strict bed-time till they are required to do something the next day at a certain time eg. kinder. But thats JMO.
FWIW DD#1 always went to bed 'late' and now she's usually asleep by 6:30pm! She's a great sleeper now.

hope you get some sleep soon!

[briggsy's girl]

DD doesnt' go down for the night until we go to bed cos she just doesn't want to sleep properly unless we're in the room at night - she will wake up and not resettle again. so she now has a nap when we're eating dinner most nights, and wakes to spend another hour or so with us, then goes to bed around 9.30-10.30 depending on the night. if i tried to get her to go to bed for the night at 7, i would have more trouble during the night with wake ups...