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Thread: who doesn't like to use controlled crying?

  1. #1
    ~Belinda~ Guest

    Default who doesn't like to use controlled crying?

    Hi



    Currently working out whether to perservere with the controlled crying with my DD. It's hard!

    After reading an article on BB, just wondering who out there disagrees with this method and if you do, did your child settle on their own eventually and what age was that? What methods did you use? I am finding I am getting very stressed with it and don't want it to lead to feelings of becoming down in the dumps IYKWIM.

    Thanks.

    Belinda

  2. #2

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    I really, heartily disagree. I think it causes more stress for everyone involved TBH.

    I went to a sleep school that employed this technique (but never called it that or I wouldn't have gone), and it was just awful. It wasn't helping my boy and I just had to accept he would never be easy to settle.

    It got better after a looong while, but that's just the way DS is.

    DD has started not wanting to sleep about 18 months, she was always pretty good before then. On advice from a MCHN I now sit next to her cot, in her room. I just sit there until she has either gone to sleep or is happy to say goodnight. The time gets shorter and shorter.
    This probably wont help you much (sorry), but after three kids I feel you just have to give them the attention they need until they feel safe or secure enough to drift off on their own. All kids are different but I think you get further in the long run if you do it that way.

    xoxoxo Good luck, this too shall pass.

  3. #3

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    Belinda - I know where you're coming from, I was there a week ago. I don't agree with CC in theory, but was just at my wits end and did try it in a modified form (only leaving him for a maximum of 5 mins) and it was just AWFUL! I only had to do it for an hour, but didn't sleep a wink all night, I just lay there with a belly full of nerves hoping hie wouldn't wake again cause I knew I couldn't start it all over again. I sat here later that night and read "the Con of Controlled Crying" and made my mind up to stop immediately. My aim wasn't to get him to self settle because he can already do that, it was to get him to sleep through the night, or at least for longer stretches over night.

    But, it didn't work anyway and I noticed the next day that DS was unusually clingy and his day sleeping patterns were out the window. He went from self settling to screaming whenever I put him to bed I actually called the nurse we saw at our sleep school and she told me I'd absolutely done the right thing in stopping - it's not good for babies or for mums.

    If you look at the link below you will see I've posted about my settling methods in this thread, as have some others who use more gentle methods. I've used these methods with both of my children who have self settled from a relatively early age (about 3 months). I won't say I never allow them to cry for a single second, because I do believe that grizzling and protesting is part of the process of learning to put themselves to sleep initially, but I definitely won't be leaving him to cry again! It was a moment of desperation after a week of very little sleep but was a lesson well learnt to trust my instincts.

    The key is to LISTEN to your baby - you know when she needs you to comfort her.

    http://bellybelly.com.au/forums/comf...ep-school.html
    Last edited by Willow; June 20th, 2008 at 02:45 PM.

  4. #4
    morgan78 Guest

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    I havent (& wont) use CC. During the day i will rock, pat or bf DD to sleep and did the same with DS when he was a bub, and at times both have slept on me or Dad. Night times DD is always bf to sleep & DS was rocked/patted. DS started to self settle around 9 months and generally is a great sleeper and DD is still too young IMO for me to worry trying to teach self settling.

    This probably wont help you much (sorry), but after three kids I feel you just have to give them the attention they need until they feel safe or secure enough to drift off on their own. All kids are different but I think you get further in the long run if you do it that way
    Lulu i agree wholeheartedly

  5. #5

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    Bindy, I have to say hun that I am definitely not a fan and haven't used it with either DS. They both are great at self-settling now, and I believe that's because they were taught gently and feel feelings of love and support when they are in their beds, rather than fear and/or sadness. JMO.

    I think books like Pinky McKays - Sleeping like a baby and for the older ones Toddler Tactics are fantastic. I also think Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution was a good book. Have you had a read of these yet?

    The thing is that I find the best way to teach babies/kids anything is with patience. Sadly we live in a society where we expect quick fixes to things and unrealistically have the aim of having babies sleep through the night well before babies are meant to sleep through the night, so that we can get on with everything else going on in our lives. I know I am an idealist, but I would love for our whole attitude in society to change, to recognise the importance of children, and find ways to better support parents in raising kids. Sorry, I think I have gone way OT here. My point I guess is that they do all learn to sleep well sooner or later. And Pinky Mckay says in Toddler Tactics that she believes the best sleeping toddlers and older kids are those who were "parented" to sleep (ie parents to the time to sit with them, lie with them, pat them etc so that there was no trauma at sleep time). Something to think about anyway.

    If you decide not to pursue CC, you could try posting in Gentle Parenting and asking for other ideas. GL.

  6. #6

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    Hi there,
    I am emphatically against leaving bubs to cry for reasons that most people have mentioned on BB (eg the article ' the con of controlled crying').
    I won't say my DS is the best sleeper because he isn't. Usually at 14 months he wakes at least once during the night. But I know that whether he wakes or not has nothing to do with my sleep tactics for him. Sometimes he is teething, sometimes he is hot or cold or wet, sometimes he seems to have bad dreams etc. Sometimes he sleeps straight through for weeks.
    I know I am doing the right thing by responding to him because sleep wise he is easier to settle again at night and he has dropped night feeds by himself. But more importantly during the day he is such a confident, well adjusted little boy who is happy to meet lots of new people, try new things, loves giving hugs and kisses and cuddles, and chats (gibberish) to everyone that he meets. He goes to daycare one day a week and started at a new centre last week. The carers were amazed at how easy going and happy he was. He also goes up to other crying babies and hugs or pats them, or puts his head on them.
    So I really feel that we have done the right thing.
    The sleep thing will pass. But your bubs development now will determine a lot in the future. I know it is so hard because I have been there, but it gets easier as they get older.
    Big hugs! HTH

  7. #7

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    I didn't CC and Charlie eventually learnt to self settle at 11 months of age. It was a looooooong 11 months, don't get me wrong, and there were times I believed it would never happen. But it did.

    I am not a believer in CCing in kids under 12 months of age, in that I would pick Charlie up if he cried. I then put him down when he stopped. I'd do this until he settled, and sometimes he didn't settle and that was alright too. But most times he would go off to bed awake and put himself to sleep. Charlie is now 2 and sometimes cries when he wakes in the middle of the night, but he can climb out of bed and come look for me if he really needs me (and has done so before when he's been sick) so now I don't go to him each time he cries.

    I think before 8 months of age, when they learn object permanence, that leaving them to cry doesn't teach them anything about self-settling (because they don't understand that if you're not in their line of sight, that you still exist just out of sight). I think it teaches them that their needs will not always be met, which I think is quite distressing for the child at that age.

    That's just my opinion though.

  8. #8

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    I disagree with it.. personally.. It is a personal decision to make and you have to do what you feel is right..

    one thing I don't like is the coming and going.. Either don't do it or stop going into thier room... I think it is more stressful when you go in and out

    I haven't done CC but i have done controlled comforting. I will sit by thier bed and talk softly to them so that they know I haven't abandoned them.. you can tell in thier cry if is it genuine or just plain tired and need sleep

  9. #9

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    I very heartily disagree with CC. Why would anyone want to feel alone when they are so upset? They just want their mum or dad, and they cant help it. Leaving them to cry or scream can be very detrimental to babies, and studies have shown just that.

    My sister leaves her bub to scream, thinking she will learn. She is nearly 1, and screams daily. I hate it. We have very different children. Mine are happy and content, and her DD screams, cries, and grizzles all the time. How can a baby feel happy, secure and loved if they are left when they most need us???

    It can be hard, but eventually very secure and happy bubs will equal great sleep, eventually!!! I always put my babies down while we are singing, happy and relaxed, and they slowly nod off.
    Good luck finding the right path for you!!

  10. #10

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    I have tried the CC path on a very few occasions to the insanity of myself and the distress of my son. He has always been a *velcro* baby who settles best with someone. I just had to figure that out the hard way for myself.

    He is now one and we have gone from holding in a carrier and rocking / bouncing to sleep every night to placing him on the bed at the first real tired signs and lying down with him (started at 11 months). The first night he took 30 minutes to go to sleep (no crying - just didn't *get* the idea of sleeping that way) to 15 minutes for each day sleep to 5 minutes the next night. He was ready and is now learning how to go to sleep without the rocking and the holding. He has just gone down for an afternoon nap and it took 5 minutes of him stroking my hand as he fell asleep.

    It takes time for them to learn to sleep and self settle. At 5 months there is no way my son would have settled any other way than in the carrier - and that is fine. It was also the quickest and least painful method for us all resulting in a calm and relaxed mummy / daddy and bubby. He has now moved on to the next stage and as he gets older he will learn to do it all on his own. Take a deep breath and know this too shall pass - and much quicker than you think

  11. #11

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    I don't disagree with it... but it is a tough path to choose.

    I think it is best used as a last resort because it is tough on bub and parents.

    Good luck

  12. #12

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    I don't know if I agree with it or not because I've only had one baby and she's a pretty good sleeper.

    But my MCHN said something which always stuck in my mind which was "we have to teach them how to sleep."

    So I definitely agree with teaching a baby to self-settle - but gently. I always rocked DD when she was a few months old but not until she was fully asleep. It took a few days (which is actually quite a lot of sleeps!) but it did work. I think some people just want to be able to put their baby in their cot and leave them to it but for us getting that stage was a very gradual process.

    It wasn't as hard as I thought BUT if I tried the gentle way with another baby and it didn't work, I'm not absolutely convinced that I wouldn't try CC. I'd like to think not, but who knows?

  13. #13

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    I think a better question to ask would be, who doesn't like to/want to do it.... disagreeing with a method is disagreeing with how another mother chooses to parent her child.

    It didn't work for my children, and probably made my PND/anxiety worse. I had a panic attack finding my daughter so upset from the whole mother and baby unit thing, covered in vomit when she was never a vomiter. It just wasnt for them, so I do other things.
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team and many wonderful members who have been so supportive since 2003.

  14. #14
    ~Belinda~ Guest

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    Kelly, sorry, wrong words but seriously, I'm too tired to even think of what I originally wrote SO what you are saying is how I meant it. Can you change the name of thread then to "who doesn't like to use control crying please"??

    Thanks everyone for your replies, definately something to think about.

  15. #15

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    I'm not criticising you; just trying to prevent brawls
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team and many wonderful members who have been so supportive since 2003.

  16. #16

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    I've changed your thread title for you. And a reminder to everyone participating in the coversation... this thread is in the Comforted sleep - no-cry solutions section, so please keep that in mind when you word your replies.

  17. #17

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    I chose to teach DS in a gentle way to self-settle (patting, stroking his forehead, shhh-ing). I would leave the room to allow him to grizzle, but return if he cried. I did try CC on a couple of occassions (when I listened to advice from "experts" and doubted myself ), but it didn't work for DS - he got so upset that there was NO WAY he was going to sleep. I started the self-settling thing when he was 3 weeks old, but he didn't really get it consistently until he was about 3 months. Now he self-settles beautifully - I just wrap him, put him in his cot with some music & walk away. It's only in the evenings (when he's really tired), that I still need to give him some help to settle.

  18. #18
    ~Belinda~ Guest

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    Thanks Christine oops overtired Mumma not thinking

    Everyone, your replies have been great and now I feel so much better so will further investigate the comforting sleeping, thanks so much! Feeling less stressed out. Have comforted her tonight and she settled within 10 minutes and it worked!!

    to all of you xx

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