Chart, symptoms... its all doing my head in!

[Moondance]

I only started charting on January 17th, and already, I'm hellishly confused (for anyone who can help, the link to my chart on FF is in my sig)...

Background: Started AF at age 11, it was always erratic until my mother forced me on the pill at age 15. The doctors wanted to stop my cycle for 3 months, and then go on normal consumption of the pill. I took a months worth of tablets, gained 25kg and then bled like a stuck pig for 2 solid weeks, and haven't touched the pill since.
Menses has always been very extremely erratic until late 2008 when it started to come good.
As 2009 progressed, I discovered I was having a 40 day cycle.
So, for me, 40 days seems the normal cycle length. I am now on day 47 (as its 1:55am).

First decided to start trying on the 4th Jan, and dtd on Jan 4th and 5th.
Had a gardnerella infection, got confused on the CM front because of the discharge, it appeared egg whitey, so I thought I'd ovulated.
Partner was away a few weeks, and then when we reunited, I decided to start trying OPK's to see what my body was doing...
But anyway... did the OPK on 17th and it came up a resounding positive, test line was darker than the control line!
dtd 17th, 18th, 19th...
Started light spotting bleeding on 19th. Too soon for implantation bleeding, surely? But went with it. Had light bleeding for 5 or 6 days.
They finished about a week before my AF was due to arrive. Am fairly certain the bleeding was NOT AF, as when my AF arrives, its messy, over the top, bloody, gory, and I look like a victim of knifing and I spend all the time on the loo (TMI I know, apologies)...

So concluding it was NOT my AF, I decided to wait.
AF was due on Jan 25th.
AF has yet to arrive 6, almost 7 days later.

I have sore nipples, my back hurts constantly, I have some slight cramping that lasts all day long, I'm headachey, have been gassy, nauseous, I feel horribly fat, I constantly feel the urge to do #2 but I'm constipated, I'm feeling like a battery thats run dry, but everytime I lay down I feel nauseous, I'm urinating a lot...

BUT I've done 3 seperate HPT's (well, technically 1 wasn't an HPT, it was a pee stick at the doctors office, even though I told her it was probably way too soon for that).
ALL have come back

And now I'm at a loss.
I'm confused in part, because sore breasts and feeling bloated are usually signs for me of AF's arrival (I retain water BADLY when AF is around, usually to the point of weighing an extra 3kg, so bad).... But AF has yet to arrive and its got me bugged.


So... yeah... HELP!
And have a look at my chart if that helps you assess me!

and OW, I just got a severe pain in my belly.... hope its poo pain and not AF related pain! I HATE AF, I wish the cow had never came in the first place, her regular visits are a nightmare!

[Moondance]

2:35am...
I'm still awake because I can't sleep due to nausea and vomiting!

It's too early at all for that stuff, way too early!!! I don't know whats happening to me anymore.

I don't even have anyone IRL I can talk to about this because my family isn't allowed to know I'm ttc!
Feeling very very alone right now!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Your chart looks inconclusive to me, but if it helps any I had horrid, erratic periods whenever I wasn't on the Pill and settled down to 42ish day cycles when I came off the Pill: the cycle before I conceived was a 56-day cycle with LOADS of pg symptoms, the cycle I did fall pg was slightly shorter and gave me no conclusive pg symptoms at all! Good luck for either being pg or getting pg in the very near future.

[Ysabell]

Moondance - if You don't mind me asking, why can't you tell anyone IRL about you TTC? ARe you keeping it a surprise? Or are you worried that people will think you and DH are moving to fast? Or you don't know anyone to talk to about this? I'm so sorry you don't have anyone to talk to IRL - I don't either, mainly because I'm keeping it as a surprise from my parents (we're gonna walking into their place with my ultrasound taped to my stomach hehehe), and I only have 1 friend that has kids, and she didn't have nay trouble concieving.

As for your Q - I'm sorry I can't help you, I'm new to all this too

[Moondance]

Moondance - if You don't mind me asking, why can't you tell anyone IRL about you TTC? ARe you keeping it a surprise? Or are you worried that people will think you and DH are moving to fast? Or you don't know anyone to talk to about this? I'm so sorry you don't have anyone to talk to IRL - I don't either, mainly because I'm keeping it as a surprise from my parents (we're gonna walking into their place with my ultrasound taped to my stomach hehehe), and I only have 1 friend that has kids, and she didn't have nay trouble concieving.

As for your Q - I'm sorry I can't help you, I'm new to all this too

Well, my family would probably say DH and I are moving too fast, but I don't feel we are, nor does he. He's 45 years old, and he wants to have a child, and I feel I'm at a prime time at my age of 28 to be doing it (yes, I know, there is a big age gap, but I don't think that matters when two people are as closely bonded as we are).
My dad has constantly said everytime I'm with my partner "don't come home pregnant" and he's not joking, I know he'd get angry, so when I do finally conceive, I'm just going to tell him it was an accident and accidents happen, if I told him I did it on purpose, he'd be really angry. I'm his "little girl", the youngest... etc etc.

I've told people a couple times that my periods are a week late, and they immediately start freaking out going "oh no, thats not good!" and panicking about me being pregnant, so its a bit of a pain, I mean, gee people, what about the "congratulations"

[Moondance]

Threw up again today...
After I ate lunch I felt really sick and nauseous.... and then felt tired, so I went to lay down. Fell asleep for an hour and a half, woke up, went outside and we have a shared driveway, was going down the driveway into our yard and had to stop and throw up onto the grass.

[Moondance]

Am totally over this confusion and stuff.

For no good reason I can fathom I'm really emotional. On FB, my sister made a comment that watching her step-daughters child born was the most rewarding experience of her life, and she didn't mention her own kids, so I asked to clarify, because if it was me saying what she said and I had kids, I would have said "next to having my own children, it was the most rewarding experience of my life" but she didn't and I asked to clarify (yes, being a bit dumb blonde I guess, don't know why my brain just isn't working) so she got stroppy and started swearing and abusing me.
Normally I'd just get irritated and say 'game on' and turn around and fly abuse right back, but no, not today, I sit here like a wounded puppy CRYING!!!! I don't cry about this stuff!

[Moondance]

Have you ever had a random thought enter your head, but within seconds of it being there, you're just convinced its true?

Having a little break earlier to read for awhile, I got this sudden thought in my head that sent me into despair.... the thought said "don't bother going to the doctor for a blood test next week, you're not pregnant" and within a second, I became convinced its true and now I'm sitting here, once again emotional and wanting to cry.

It just... it seems to me like I couldn't get that lucky, it couldn't be that easy, not ever, this is me we're talking about. I'm having irrational hatred for all those teenage mums who get pregnant so easily, and wishing it could be that easy for me. And I'm having even more irrational hatred for all the teenagers who so easily get pregnant and have abortions and throw such precious life away.

I'm going crazy.

[Moondance]

Out for the count.


AF arrived today.....
Crushing disappointment I have to say, and this really hurts.... I was so hoping, I really was....

[Footsteps]

huge hugs huni. i really am praying you get your precious bundle in your arms soon xox

[Moondance]

Thank-you Rachel....

I feel so shattered, I went to the video store and rented a bunch of Disney movies! Everytime I feel sad, I watch kids movies. God, so weird.

Crying at the drop of a hat now. When I read the words "precious bundle in your arms" I started crying again. I hope I do too soon.