Looking for help! And someone to talk to

[S.Terese]

Hello lovely ladies of belly belly.

I have come to this forum in desperate need of some help and maybe some guidence.

I am 20 years old, I will be 21 in December.
For about a year now I've wanted to have a child. I was told by my partner and just about anyone I tried to talk to about it, said that I am too young and everything else like that. Once I thought about it I thought, ok maybe I'm wrong I should wait until I am older.
It has now Only been a year and I am feeling more in need of a baby that my heart breaks of sadness

Please.. Someone tell me, I'm Not crazy for wanting a child. I know I'd be an amazing mother, and I think every single day that, that is what I'm ment to be. That's who I want to be- a mother.

Sorry for my spelling, I'm on my phone.
In saying All of this.. My life will need to change dramatically.


I have written this very all over the place, I'm sorry I'm just in a rush is all!


Any help would be so much appreciated.

[jellybean88]

Sorry to hear you don't have much support I guess the only persons opinion that matters is dp have chat with him and tell him your feelings it took me a few months of deep one on one chats with dh to get him to come round and alot of crying and then it took us 10 months to conceive so mayby tell him it's normal for it to take up to a year for a young healthy couple mayby he will feel less like your gonna get pg straight away , also I find males worry more about the provision side of things so good to go into discussion with a plan eg paying for baby gear, everyday disposable items, food, maternity clothes and money for scans and dr visits , and maternity leave plans show him your serious and not just clucky

As for everyone else if they think your too young just ignore them

Also feel free to join the pre-ttc thread a few have the same problem

[S.Terese]

My partner will never agree. He said he will break up with me if I fell pregnant and kept the baby. So if I did go through with having a baby, I'll be single.

[jellybean88]

Oh gosh that's terrible
Are you looking at getting married or anything obviously your pretty serious if you want kids mayby couple councelling would be good

I think if I wasn't married I'd leave him but if I was married I'd do councelling

[lady_neon]

Hey hun.

I was like you at the same age. You're not crazy at all. Some of us just have a very strong maternal desire. My mum said to me just before my son was born that when I was little I'd always say when I grow up I wanted to ne a mother

I don't know your circumstances but I will say this. I forced myself to wait until I was married and had some money under my belt. Ended up getting married at 20, then started TTC just before I was 22. We decided to wait until DH's income would be sufficient to support us as I wanted to stay home. We both worked full time and saved a big enough deposit to buy a house. I might add DH is 7 years older than me so is established in his career so money wise he puts us ahead of someone just finishing study and going into work. Where I'm getting at, is having a child is freaking hard work and will test your relationship. You don't want the financial strain in your family, as much as people will say money doesn't matter, it sadly does and can seriously affect relationships.

ETA - age is just a number. Where you are at in life should be a deciding factor.

[S.Terese]

We have been together for 2 years. And marriage is not around the corner.
Where is the pre tcc topic?

I feel as if I would be able to be a single mum. Very positive actually.

[jellybean88]

Pre-Ttc group is under ttc buddies in conception section

Great you think you will be a good mum single or not but think about the child too it would be good for them to have a loving father as well if you can

[Jellyfish]

How exactly do you plan to get pregnant if you don't have the co-operation of your partner? Even if you do plan to be a single mother how would you get to that point?

[HotI]

if your partner doesn't want kids, it is unfair to force fatherhood on him. Do you have another parenting partner in mind?

There is plenty of time for you to be a Mum in the future, if circumstances mean that it can't happen right now.

[Phteven]

If you want to be a single Mum there are lots of awesome single Mums out there however if your partner is not on board you will need to look into IVF or donor sperm which can be expensive and frustrating.

[S.Terese]

I would never go against my partners wishes, ever.
I have not actually been able to think about anything other than what I have written in here.
Those 2 options are something I've though about... Are there many single women who decided to use IVFand a doner???

[lady_neon]

Patenting is hard enough with both parents around. I could not imagine doing this by myself. I take my hat off to single parents, it must be damn hard. I think there is a single parenting thread?? Jump in that and hear some of others experiences before you intentionally pur yourself in that situation. If your current partner is not ready do not deceive him or anything. Why deny your future child his or her dad if you don't have to?

[lady_neon]

You're only 20. Whilst your heart may be aching for a child, your biological clock isn't ticking. Can you as a couple agree on re-visiting the topic in a year? Does your DP want children in he future?

[S.Terese]

He does but not for about 15 years...

[lady_neon]

Wow, I can see how that would cause tension, considering you are ready now.

It sounds like your desire to have kids has more value than your relationship. I may be wrong, but if your looking at assisted conception and donors to get pregnant when you have a partner, and are happy to be a single mum...

Maybe this guy is not right for you?

[Mirimum]

I hear you. I wanted kids really young as well. I bought a cat instead, best decision I ever made, because that guy was a loser. Anything that would have given him the remotest tie into my future would have been terrible for me and the child. Not to mention, I wouldn't want a child that might have his qualities - wouldn't want that to haunt me, like it did my mum. (My mum loved my dad, but he was abusive, and as we matured sometimes she'd attribute our bad qualities to his genetics because the old memories were painful to her.)

I was raised in a sole parent home, and because I never had a father figure, it never really occurred to me to want to have a father for my kids. Meeting my now husband was what changed all that. But DH wasn't ready for kids when I was, and there was a lot of waiting. We both managed to compromise by several years. I wanted kids right away - he wanted to be 30. Now I'm 25 and he's 26 and our first is due next month.

Looking back, I know waiting was the right thing to do. He's established in his career, we're married (important to him, but not really to me at the time) we've lived together long enough and gone through enough together that the relationship isn't shiny new and I know that when the **** hits the fan he will not only stand by me but that we've proven to each other we can work together and get through. Having that support just in pregnancy has been invaluable. I can't imagine doing this alone, especially not this age or younger, I don't know what I was thinking!

Single parentingis hard. Our mum decided to forgo her own career, and bought us up on welfare. The good part of that was she made sure she was always there for us. We weren't left with strangers, and always knew we were the centre of her world. The bad part was there was never any money for anything. She couldn't take us places like other parents could. We never had new clothing. Sometimes there wasn't enough money for food, and we'd see her go without so that we would be fed. Or there wouldn't be money for this bill or that one, and we wouldn't have a phone or heating for a couple of months. Even more important than that - she had no other fulfillment in her life. She gave us literally everything, but she was unfulfilled and lonely. It wasn't until my sister and I both moved out of home (at 15 years old) that mum could go back to school and start working on her own goals. She worked her dream job for a year before she died.

So I guess the things to ask yourself are:
How will I support the child financially?
If I'm working, who will raise it?
If that person isn't you or a partner, but rather parents or a sibling - is that fair on them to think of this as a long term solution?
Is there a reason I can't wait?
Is it fair to my future children that I bring them into the world now, or would it be better for them if I waited?

It's good you're putting lots of thought in and seeking advice.

[Rowellen]

He does but not for about 15 years...

I'm going to be blunt here. If this is his opinion, and you are desperate to start your family, this relationship is doomed. Regardless of how much you love him, how well he performs, whether you are a perfect match on every other level, children is one of the big things that you need to be on the same page on. If he won't change his mind, and you get to 35 and find you can't concieve or he decides he doesn't want babies ever - you will resent him. If you have a baby against his wishes, he will resent you. Yes there is a chance he will change his mind, but are you willng to wait to find out? Only you can answer this so I could be way off track but reading your posts above, I'm thinking no. It might be kinder to both of you to end it now so you can find a man who is a bit more mature and ready to start a family, and he can find someone who is at his stage in life. You may still have to wait a couple of years like Mirimum's situation but at least you would be starting out with similar goals.

[Catastrophic]

I'm going to be blunt here. If this is his opinion, and you are desperate to start your family, this relationship is doomed. Regardless of how much you love him, how well he performs, whether you are a perfect match on every other level, children is one of the big things that you need to be on the same page on. If he won't change his mind, and you get to 35 and find you can't concieve or he decides he doesn't want babies ever - you will resent him. If you have a baby against his wishes, he will resent you. Yes there is a chance he will change his mind, but are you willng to wait to find out? Only you can answer this so I could be way off track but reading your posts above, I'm thinking no. It might be kinder to both of you to end it now so you can find a man who is a bit more mature and ready to start a family, and he can find someone who is at his stage in life. You may still have to wait a couple of years like Mirimum's situation but at least you would be starting out with similar goals.

What she said.

You are only young yes, but you can't help how you feel, it might help going to counselling and working out what your deal breAkers are... This would surely be one of mine.