I will preface this post with saying that if this is the wrong place for this, I do apologise, and mods please move to the proper spot ^^
I will now ask what the heck PIG and RAK mean. Seen it in several signatures and can't for the life of me work it out.
I will now begin the actual venting. I am nervous. >.>;
VENTING
Sooo I can't sleep. Was planning to write this tomorrow, when I was actually awake, but I guess now will do too.
Basically, I'm very confused and lost emotionally at the moment. Last few months, I have had the babycrack SO BAD. Any hint of a baby and my heart would break that I did not have one of my own. Rex, my boyfriend (fiance whenever he decides to propose - he won't tell me when!) has said he definitely doesn't feel ready, but is willing to talk about it. Mostly, I think, to make me feel better, but it does help. He doesn't know why he doesn't feel ready, though.
So he suggested to me that I make a list of what I think might be possible reasons for him feeling this way. Suddenly, the pain of wanting was mostly gone, as this was progress! It wasn't an 'OK lets try for a baby!' but it was consideration and a step forward, which is what I really wanted, I guess.
Except now I am terrified myself. The wanting is still there, but I'm afraid of the changes, that I wouldn't be ready after all, that it'd all be a huge mistake. Even though it's just talking and working it out, it suddenly feels like a huge step forward in a direction I'm afraid that I wouldn't be ready for. But if we didn't talk about it, I'd go back to pining and hurting.
I worry this is a sign that I'm definitely not ready and I would just screw up my kid and everything else. Then I think that's probably an overreaction and my old depression talking and that it's something I should fight thinking. Then I think it's all true and it's a very dizzying see-saw.
BABY OR NO?
Now either would, or wouldn't be the greatest time to have a child, depending on how you look at it. Rex and I live with my mother, and are both studying. He pays her rent, I pay about $50/fortnight. Admittedly, neither of us have jobs right now, but I am hoping to get a part-time this year. Even if we were working 'proper' jobs, we would likely still qualify for roughly the same amount of Centrelink assistance. We have very, very low billing costs, is my point here. We don't really have to worry about rent and electric and water bills, etc, freeing up money for a baby to be added to the budget.
Of course, some would argue that this is terrible and we should have jobs and our own place first. Maybe it's just the babycrack talking, but having a baby while living here seems like a good idea, to me. We'd have an extra support person around in those difficult early weeks and fewer bills than if we had moved out already.
CONGRATULATIONS
You actually read all that? Wow. XD I really just needed to get all this out of my system to more than just my diary. To somewhere that people can help if they want to actually read all of my waffle. I feel a lot better now.
In case someone did read it all, and wants to offer me advice, I feel it only fair to 'come clean', though technically I wouldn't be lying if I didn't mention it. I am in fact seventeen at the moment. My birthday is in april. I know there are teens who have made wonderful mothers and I'd like to be one of them, but for the most part, they were accidental mothers - people will support the decision to keep an accidental baby. Deciding to deliberately have one? Not so much.
THE END
Yeah, that's it really.
I feel better now. Thanks, Bellybelly, for making a forum where I felt safe enough to post all of this.
Ok, first You sound terribly confused, and that is uncool!
Second, RAK = Random Act of Kindness - means someone paid for their membership for a year for them as a gift. PIG = Post It Girl - the person who will post the birth announcement when you give birth, so you don't have to and all the Stalkers () can get their fix ASAP.
Now, the tough stuff.
The fact he doesn't want a baby - big deal. And probably very responsible. Don't force him, you don't want to be in that situation - you want to have a baby when you are both ready, when both want one, really want one. They are not just cute little things - they are human beings. They are not just beings you can summons and send away again when you get bored of them.
The situation you are in = not ideal. Neither of you have jobs. Babies cost money.
You are both studying. Studying with newborn = nigh on impossible. So plans will go on hold, you will put your entire future on hold.
How old is Rex?
IMO 17 is MUCH to young to have a baby, especially a planned one. I know many many women who were younger than this when they had theirs, I do not know a single one of them who PLANNED a pregnancy at that age. I am sure many would disagree with me, but you have no education, no job, no home of your own, no income and would be reliant on Centrelink payments to get by. That is NOT a situation in which you want to bring a child.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I totally understand the feeling of the wanting. I get it. But there is a big difference between what you want (no matter how badly) and what is a right thing to do. Having a baby is a huge want... But it is a HUGE responsibility, HUGE expense. So I don't want to sound harsh, but I truly believe you are not in a position to have a baby in a safe, secure ad healthy environment.
What plans do you have for YOU? For your life? Set the baby thing aside, and what about YOU? What are you studying? Do you want to travel at all? Do you want to stay living where you are forever, or move away? What about Rex? What are his goals, his dreams? What does he want out of life?
What lessons do YOU need to learn, that you can pass on one day to a child?
There are so so many things you can't do with a baby/child. There are many things that are exponentially more difficult with a baby/child. It will serve you well to seriously think about these things. There is no reason you can't have a baby in 5 years is there? Even 3 years when you finish studying?
Think ahead - you have baby now, postpone your education, postpone entry to the workforce... in 5 years when you need/want to work, where will you work? What do you want to do with your life - because child or no child, you will still have a life when they move out of home. And you would only be 36 when it is 18....
Anyway, whatever road you take, it is clear neither of you are quite ready for the road you want right NOW. So, to paraphrase a fabulous song: take your time, think a lot.... It is not a decision you can undo.
Can't scroll to end of post on ipod and I'm in bed now. Remembered my main fear about a baby - the irreversible change. Everything would be different and it would never go back to how it was...afraid I would regret the decision.
Made the mistake of reading your reply in bed. Tiredness made me take the wrong way once I put the ipod away and feel like you said I was a stupid little girl, which is not what you did say at all. So I am back on the computer.
First, thank you for reading all of that, and replying, too. And thank you for telling me what those maddening acronyms were!
He does want babies - just doesn't feel ready yet. I would never force it on him or mess with my pills to have an 'accident' - I figure that's a pretty damn good way to prove I really shouldn't have a kid. And he is more important to me.
You're right about all this, though.
My study is only 2 1/2 days a week, and if the cert 4 is anything like the 3, will be a cake walk. Not sure on what his will be though.
Rex is 21, his birthday is in march. He gets disability payments from Centrelink, though I'm not entirely sure why - that is, I know WHY, but he comes across in no way as disabled, and I think any symptoms he had before were mostly due to his depression.
Heh, I just make it sound worse and worse, don't I? You're right of course, but it still sucks. Damn babycrack. Makes me manage to twist everything into a potential positive :P
My life plan was to be educated, get a job, three cats, and settle down to live alone all my life, 'cause I felt I'd always be alone :P Then Rex came along and loved me and I was like yay! Change of plan! Now I want to get enough education to get a job in design, either graphic print or web (web design courses are surprisingly sparse). I used to pretend I would never have kids, not sure why - probably why I'm so ashamed of my wish now. Ideally, I'd work half from home with my kids. Rex wants to get into community services as a counsellor. Travel has never been important to me. Sure I like the occaisonal holiday away, but unless I'm visiting my grandmother, I'd rather stay there less than a week and come back to my beloved home. I'd like to live somewhere slightly closer to the central part of Adelaide, so maybe 5 minutes from here :P I'm pretty simple. Rex has expressed an interest in travel, though.
It now occurs to me that these were rhetorical questions for me to ponder, not for me to actually type out. Oh well. Typed now.
I really hate my age, I have to say. Always have. At least I'm free of high school and am actually on my way to what I want to achieve.
I guess it is obvious that a baby this year is not a good idea. Painfully. I guess if Rex and I can work through things to become ready, though, it'll stave off the hurt of wanting somewhat, so I don't wanna cry every time I see a (gorgeously glowing) pregnant woman or small child. Though seeing a dad in love with his kid always makes me smile, since so many dads seem to just run off and not care.
Very sorry about all of my waffling. If you're still there, thank you, LimeSlice, for reading and replying to my crazy self.
[Unfortunately the side of me that said I'm a stupid little girl is still awake. Why on the one night Rex is away??]
You are certainly not a stupid little girl, you sound very intelligent... and 17 is not that little
I certainly know the feeling of hating your age, so understand that. And also so glad I was able to see past it too.
Yes, they were rhetorical questions, but as I am a nosy cow, always nice to have the answers too! lol
Sounds to me like you have a great idea of what you want, and where you want to be, and it made me smile thinking of you sitting at your drafting table, with a kids playing in the background.
But I think you know that won't happen the way you can see it in your head if you were to have kids now. Won't stop you wanting them though.
So perhaps finding a good time to sit down with Rex and actually make some plans. Nothing set in stone, but have a really good honest talk about his travel, for example, your study, and starting your lives together on an even footing. HAve a chat about your desire for children sooner than later, and how you want to raise them and give him the chance to see if you are on the same page. Remember as condescending as it sounds, you and he are both still very young, and you will be amazed how quickly you will change, grow and be prepared that you may grow apart too. I hope you don't.
But get out there and experience the world, find out what life has on offer, and know that you are working towards your goal - which sounds like it is to be a working mum of gorgeous children and a happy husband. And oh yes, another cliche, are you ready? It won't happen overnight, but it will happen Just don't try and put the cart before the horse. Sweet dreams xo
I am in no way qualified to have advice that is as well balanced as Limey's, but as an aside I will say:
As someone with too much uni education for her own good, and as someone who was a GD by trade (started full time at 16 and freelanced up until August 2010), I can say with confidence that it's a rough profession to have with kids, esp if you want to try freelancing from home. It's like any other job if you kids are in daycare and you're doing a 9-5 job, but then you may as well call yourself a slave instead of a designer :-P Start building your portfolio now and get some good experience behind you, as not many agencies will take people with little or none. It's much harder to spend hours on the computer being artistic, or dealing with crappy picky clients who you have to argue contracts and etc with, with kids around. It's doable with a newborn - in the house I was in before this, DD's bedroom was also my office - but they grow up and are awake all day so soon, and you quickly realise that not many Mum's can work *full time* from home and have kids at home full time.
I wanted to send some your way hun, it can all be very confusing at times especially when we feel clucky.
I agree with a lot of what limeslice has said hun.
Believe me I wanted children a long time ago before DH and I were married (we have been together since I was 16) but he was not ready and wanted to make sure we had a very steady environment before doing any of that.
I can say hun I am glad we have waited until we did to start TTC, and although that wanting does not go away, I know if we had TTC before DH was ready that pressure would have put a big strain on our relationship.
I look at all we have achieved to we both have good stable jobs now, I was able to work up in my career to a position at a young age I never thought I would get, we were able to save and pay for our own wedding a year after that buy our own home and we have just been able to enjoy each others company do lots of small things together take small holidays go out together. I just look back at what we have done and know we are so much better for having waited. I know had we had a baby young we would not have achieved all of this and be in the great position we are now, we may have still got married brought a house etc but it would have taken a lot longer and been even more stressful.
Upon saying all of that, it is my own personal experience and everyone is different and you need to look at your own situation and make your decisions, I agree with limeslice that perhaps sit down and talk to Rex about your future together, things you both want to achieve and look at when he might want to look at a family, it will help give you direction and feel like your moving towards something and although the answers may not be the ones you want now you can both comprimise and work it all out.
You probably need to look at how big a family you want to have as well, one baby can be costly enough but if you were to start a family now and you want to have children close together could you support two or more children.
You have a tough decision to make hun and I hpe things work out for you.
Im on my iPhone right now, and although awake, I'm also half asleep, so I just wanted to subscribe to this thread to remind me to come back in the morning when my brain decides to switch on
Big Hun.. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling, believe me, I've been in exactly the same situation for the past.. Oh... 3 years? Lol..
I would like to preface this with saying - I adore my son, love him to bits, and he has brought me SO MUCH joy. Please don't think otherwise from what I'm about to say. (And I'm really not trying to be a downer - just sharing my experience)
I was slightly older than you, and single but otherwise not dissimilar. I lived with my mum, who was supportive and going to totally help out by being an extra person to help whenever required etc. I was on CL (still am) but had minimal/no bills/rent etc to pay so I justified the low income as being all disposable. I was a homebody who didn't go out with friends really or to clubs etc, and figured I could take a baby/child with me if I decided to travel. I have mental illness but it was managed so I thought I would be fine.
When I had my son - my promised support from my mother just vanished, for reasons beyond our control or ability to predict. I ended up having to move out which was expensive and *difficult* with a small child around. I now have a partner but her income is not much more than my CL. I have had what seems to be a relapse of my depression and some days I considered things you don't even want to know about. I've had to decide between doing swimming lessons etc with my son (that I would *love* to do) and putting him in daycare twice a week so I can hold on to my remaining shreds of sanity, and just sleep. I can only afford one on my income.
So he misses out so that I can stay 'together' enough to be a good mum.
My friends disappeared... They didn't get it. I spend most of my day alone now, and even on the rare few nights when I would like to go out... It's so much harder to organize. We pay $60 for a babysitter if we have a nice dinner as a couple. Guess how often it happens.
I don't wish him gone. I wish I had WAITED. I wish I could have another few years to be me and not 'Mum', and have him come along later, exactly as he is, but... Just. Not. Yet.
I thought I was more than ready, but I didn't understand the sheer enormity of the change that being a parent would make to my life.
Take your time. Do as the posters above all suggested - they have some great ideas. And when you do have kids - it's a beautiful, life-changing experience. So you want to be damn sure you're done with enjoying what you currently have
i read your post lastnight, but didnt get a cance to reply. looks like you have your head on your shoulders prety good!
i fell with my eldest when i was 17, had him 2 months after i turned 18, he wasnt planed. i dont regret having him, (if i didnt fall pg with him i probably wouldnt have any kids as i had no desire for them at all)i do wish we were more "set up" in the world first. we lived at his mums in the begining, but were living with his dad by the time bub came, both unemployed. we have our own (rented) place now, and he has now got casual work, fingers crossed for a perminate position this year. i didnt leave school because i was pg, i had already left befor, by the time i realized i should have finnished it was to late, i realy would like to finnish it, but that is on hold for another 4 years at least. while ds1 was not planed, ds2 was as we didnt want him to grow up as a only child or have a massive age gap between kids, we now have bub 4 on the way, and are just starting to sort out the aspects of our lives *most* people have done befor children! (sorry for the generalization) it would have to be easier to get back into the work place after taking a break then it would be trying to break into it for the first timei would rather get that out the way befor having kids!
while it may seem like you could afford a baby both being on centerlink and living at someone elses houe, take it from someone who has been there!! it is not easy!! babys dont come cheep, yes you could always budget and go without for yourself, but its not always a easy ride there are times were you will need a bit of finaceses to fall back on.
as others have stated, life will never be the same again! i do love my kids, even though they drive me batty some days! thats another thing, babies grow up! each age seems to requier new strategies to manage things! just know that whatever your decission, you are still young, im 23, you could have finnished your studdies been employed for a few years and be starting your family in 5 years, it may seem like forever away, but seriously my eldest is now 5 and starting school, it wasnt that long ago i was pregnate with him, back then tho, the idea of him going to school seemed like a whole other lifetim away.
I had my first baby at 22 not planned rude shock i tell ya....i love my boy to peices but i wish id waited. and me and my dh were living with my parents which sucked...no indpendence it wasnt a good situation to be in, now Hubby has a great job,rented place hopfully have our own really soon.
Personally i think you should wait, till u have some sort of stable income, babies are not cheap,nappies, clothes etc. I didnt finish school and now im playing catch up, so ive decided to take my real state reps cert....but it is twice as hard trying to do that with two kids, its tough.
i have two beautiful cheeky boys who bring me alot of joy and happiness aswel las making me crazy and testing me. my eldest is off to kinder and my youngest is two...altho i do want a third...
I guess all most of us are saying is, enjoy life while you can.
Last edited by BeautifulMadness; January 7th, 2011 at 08:09 AM.
I'll just add my thoughts on your situation. I got pregnant at 15 & my DD1 was born just after my 16th birthday. I had my DS when I was 22, and have just had my DD2 at the grand old (read: advanced - OB's word not mine) age of 36
I can honestly say without any doubt in my mind, this 3rd time around is the complete opposite to the 1st. I was a "mature" 16, but still a kid nonetheless. It was such a hard slog. We had little money, lived with his folks, my mum disowned me for ages, my friends dissapeared to go live their lives etc. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my DD1 one lil bit, but gee I sacrificed ALOT & can never get those years back.
I never expected to have a 3rd bub, but was so lucky to be blessed again! Not saying wait til your 36 or anything though..lol, but its just taken ME that long to get to this place...we have our own home, stable finances, great jobs (well i'm on mat leave)
What i'm saying is, the joy of having a baby without all the stress that comes with being a very young mum, as others have pp, is incomparable(?sp) I feel like I appreciate my DD2 in a way I never could with my DD1. I have no worries about the future, because I know we can provide for her. I sometimes resented DD1 for the sacrifices I had to make (embarrassing to admit) and it certainly wasn't her fault. I just really, really wished I had of waited, so I could appreciate & not take for granted, all of my kids.
Anyhoo that's my 2 cents worth whatever you decide, it will be the best thing for you & your DP. Life's journey is as individual as we are
Only you really know what suits your situation. all i can say is keep talking to your partner about it and some time soon it will feel right for the both of you and you will just "know"
My story.......
my partner and i got together when i was 18 (him 19) and i got pregnant a month before my 19th birthday. I do have to say it was hard having a child at the age but also would not change it for the world as we have a perfect 4.5 year old now. At the moment we are trying for a second (me 24, him 25)and we feel alot more "ready" for this next one and i think age (and experience) have a lot to do with it. When our son was born i lived at my parents home and his dad came over every night after work and pretty much just went home to sleep. it was deffinetly helpful having parents around to help tho but also hard in a way as they put there 2 cents in and would tell me how to raise my own child.
My partner also suffers from depression and i think planning for another child is helping him with that as it is something to look forward to.
Personally i would say wait at least a year and then see if you are both ready but deffinetly keep talking about your future together and planning ahead
First off, Rex has read through all of this and wanted to say something himself
Rex: Hey all just thought i'd say thank you so so very much for being so supportive of my darling. I know that try as i might to help her feel better about the issues i'm a poor subsitiute for those with experiance. That said i'm extreamly glad that she has found a place where she can talk freely about her feelings without having to worry about what others will say as untill now i've been the only person she has felt comfortable talking about this with. I'd also like to say that since she has found this site the amount of stress and anxiety i have seen from her has become SO MUCH lower which in turn has made things a lot less stressful to do, eg going out and about and risking exposure to babies. theres so much more i would like to say but being me i have a lot of trouble getting feelings out of my head and into words so i'll just sum it up by again saying thank you for everything, for being supportive when she needed you to be and for advising her in a sensible manner. You have all been so very helpful. Well thats my bit i might make notes later but for now back to my dearest.
Hehe ^^ I haven't replied in a while as I haven't known what to say, but I'm really overwhelmed by all of the kind responses I have received. It's helped so much to find that I'm not alone, not crazy, and that it's okay to feel like this! Simply not feeling so alone is a huge relief.
I confess that were I to somehow accidentally get pregnant now I'd probably go "yay!" then 'Oh, ****...' but I know I'd have people to turn to. I'll be trying to implement everyone's suggestions for coping ^^ I do like making plans, not so much when they don't come to fruition, but still. I think we'll talk more about it once his enrolment for Tafe this year is finalised, and work out more details once we see how we settle into this year's groove.
There aren't many babies around me I can 'steal', just Paige and Rex's godfather's new little girl, whose name I don't even know yet XD Rex has bought her a little pink set of toy cuddlebunny, blanket, and neck pillow, and today Mum and I found an adorable penguin-themed set containing bib, singlet, onesie (I think) and a sleeper. The little ducky blanket/cuddle/facewasher we were going to get before the penguin set is now mine > It's so cute and soft and fluffy!! Anyway, I'll see about being permitted to babysit Paige sometimes, and will be at Sara's house on wednesday. I wonder how big she's gotten since I last saw her She grows so fast!
It still hurts a bit, but I feel able to cope with it now. Again, having so many kind, supportive responses is really humbling and amazing to me, I'm so thankful to you all.
And specially for xXHopeXx - I hope my story will go much the same as yours has :P Your list will be especially helpful, I think, and I'll definitely be trying everything you mention. Maybe I can distract myself by pre-planning the wedding...while there's no pressure, it's so much fun! Lucky I don't want a big fancy fest though, I'd rather have my small wedding MY way than a big fancy one that his mother paid for and planned.
I've waffled on enough, but once more - THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.
Amarysauce, I really can't add much more than all of the others on this thread have said, but would like to say that the fact that you and Rev are communicating about this issue and that you have taken the step to get information from a site like this suggests that when the time is right, you will be able to really prepare yourselves to be great parents. When you are parents that ability to communicate will be such an advantage. That you also came to this group and asked the questions does show that you know the answer for you and Rex right now but perhaps needed to hear it from that outside party or parties.
I have always loved kids and from the time I was about 15 I just wanted to surround myself with babies. I turned to babysitting and think that was the best decision I could have made. It was what was right for me.
Venting
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You sound terribly confused, and that is uncool!
) can get their fix ASAP.
Just don't try and put the cart before the horse. 
whatever you decide, it will be the best thing for you & your DP. Life's journey is as individual as we are 
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