I flit in and about here but dont really post....but now i guess i want to post somewhere that I dont normally cause I am not after my online friends to look after me or make me feel better but I feel I just need to let it all out.

My DH and I have been TTCing for about 8 months seriously, 9 months if you count the month we had no idea about the complexities of ttcing.

Needless to say we are still trying. I was doing okay for about 4-5 months, 6 months started to get frustrated, then the last two cycles its driving me bananas. I have gone from having nice regular 27-28 cycles to having a 34 day cycle to ff not even picking up my O so this one could go on forever it feels and its only been 28 days.

I feel so flat about it all. I have wanted a baby for so long but i just feel kinda defeated. Almost like i just dont care anymore which is ridiculous cause i care more than anything about having my own baby.

I lie in bed at night sticking my belly out holding it imagining what it is like to have a baby in there.

I am trying to let go and relax...no opking or hpting...just trying to bd regularly although this month it just went to hell in a handbasket due to outside stresses.

How do you relax when month after month you dont get pregnant. I have had close to 20 friends fall pregnant THIS year alone...I am finding it harder and harder to be so cheerful around them, I am genuinely happy for them but its hard, I dont want to start to resent them but I can feel it creeping in.

How do you pick it up and keep going every month. I know we still have a few months til we are considered to have fertility issues. We have had sperm analysis and blood tests to make sure I ovulate and all that is fine...

I would almost rather know I am infertile than just keep waiting, I just feel like my life is in limbo. My postivity is being zapped.

boywee that went on for longer than i meant and i could keep going all night. like i said at the beginning I dont expect people to make me feel any better or anything. I am not in tears but can get close to it. I just needed to get that all off my chest cause sometimes if you say it outloud (or online) people think they need to fix you and they can't, and it makes them and you feel helpless and frustrated. But if anyone has any great suggestions how they pick it up and keep being positive then I would love to hear that.

I have recently joined the gym and got a personal trainer to try and distract myself so thats a start