Big hugs hun. I know how you feel. I don't know how my DH can stand to look at me at all. I know he doesn't find me terribly attractive at the moment. He hasn't said it in so many words but it's the lack of words, attention ect he gives that tells me. I hate looking at myself too. I'm trying to lose 30kg....sooo daunting, but I'm trying to look at it one teeny tiny step at a time. This week I lost 300g. Better than gaining 300g. It's tough but it can be done. As you say, maybe this is what you need.