Donor Conception General Chatter #3

[Ltl Panda]

Hey girls

DH and I donated 4 blasties once our 12 week scan was all positive?..We donated to a known couple, but at that time we only knew them through the internet?..I think that at the end of the day both couples have the right to decide how involved they want to get?..we were offered contact and we were given a choice if we wanted to stay in contact or not?.we very much would like to keep in contact as friend, but by no means de we want to get involved in the child upbringing?..the receiving couple are the true parents. We got to meet them, and we absolutely adore them both, we wish them all the blessing in the world.

[Lissie]

Hi Ladies,

I and my DH are recipients of donation and are waiting for transfer which should be by 1st week of March this year. As far as contact with your donor, its really up to each set of donors and recipients to work this out. We want our donors to be in contact with us, we want them to feel comfortable with this as well, if our donors did not want contact we would respect that as well. This area is something you have to work out together, we and our donors have worked it out - the journey is only just beginning and im sure we will all do our best or do the best we know how. All we all know is at one point or another the child will most likely want to know more and we do want to be 100% honest the whole way thru - our donors are aware of this and agree. In the end you all have to be comfortable with your choices, just remember one thing that has been said to me over and over again by counsellors and it was even said on the SBS show on Tues - genes are only 1% of parenting the other 99% is up the parent that are raising/loving and nurturing that child - if you can be comfortable with that i think you'll be okay with it all. Good luck to all of you.

[blizz]

Hi Ladies,

'on the SBS show on Tues - genes are only 1% of parenting the other 99% is up the parent that are raising/loving and nurturing that child'

thats reassurring I've been having this argument with my SIL for a couple of years now and she believes the opposite she has stopped now only because she knows it upsets me so much but I've worked in long day care for going on 12 years now and I whole heartedly believe that this is the case. thanks Lissie you've made me feel better anyway.

[anney]

blizz,
I have learnt through being around donation for the past two years, there seem to be two ends of the spectrum. At one end there are people who think that genetics is everything. those people will never be able to be donors and would never understand the whole donation concept as they see sperm and eggs and bits of themselves and believe they are giving away bits of themselves or their potential children. At the other end there are people that believe sperm and eggs are things that are being disposed of anyways so why not have someone use them. They do not have an attachment to them, just because they hold their genes. (I came back here to add to this that any of these opinions are not wrong, they are just different)
There are of course, lots of people in between those two ends of the spectrum. sounds like your SIL is one of those people that thinks genetics is everything so it would be difficult for her to understand your point of view. I am glad she has backed off so she doesn't upset you.
Lissie is absolutely right, you have to be comfortable with your choice. You have to live with that choice for the rest of your life and in the end it only really matters what your DH and your DDs and DSs think, not what anyone else thinks. No-one is ever going to put up their hand to offer to be in your place and make your choices so look after yourself.

[Lissie]

Hi Blizz,

Keep focused on what you believe in and what you want. I now dismiss any negative people and there views by just not letting it go in one ear and out the other. I truly believe that you should not comment unless you have been placed in our situation. No one knows how they feel or what they would do until you are confronted by it. Being confronted with the thought that we would never be parents is daunting - but to be given this gift by donors is so overwhelming i just cannot explain it to anyone. To me donoring is much like adoption but so much closer. Good luck with whatever you are planning for the future.

[anney]

I truly believe that you should not comment unless you have been placed in our situation.

Well said Lissie!

[Caramello]

Hi Blizz,

I agree with Lissie and Anney - if you haven't been in the situation, it is hard for you to understand. I would find it incredibly difficult to be civil to my SIL if that was her opinion (then again, when was dealing with in laws ever easy!)

[Caramello]

Hi everyone!

Just an update about me. Went into the IVF clinic today with my war hat on. A bill arrived in the mail from the city clinic that my SD donated to. You will remember that they stuffed me around, wouldn't give me any access to information etc etc.? And that Westmead IVF, once they knew, sorted it out, moved the sperm and gave us 6 months free?

Well, once the bill arrived, I thought 'here we go.' Then I thought 'Oh, maybe she meant that we'd get a freebie from Westmead, but not the old clinic'. So, I went in there today and guess what? The accountant said - 'Give it to me, I'll sort it out.' I said 'Please let me know if we have to pay.' And she said 'No, you won't have to.' I don't know why we are getting this special treatment, but I think they're WONDERFUL!!

Took me a long time to calm down though - I really thought I'd have an argument on my hands...

Then I talked to one of the nurses to check that I had the right information. AF has done a disappearing act - maybe tomorrow??? I'm starting to think our situation is very unusual - first the nurse started talking about availability, and I said, well we have got our own donor. Then she asked if DH was available next week when I come in to do the blood tests and I said, well he can be available if needed. Then she said 'Oh, that's right, you're using a donor.' Well, yes, I thought, that's what you just read in my file...Must have been having a bad day!

The only thing that made me feel a little sad is that it was this time two years ago that we were starting off with the unknown donor. It has taken 15 months to go through the process of being ready with a known donor. However, I think we all needed this time to get used to the idea. I just hope it works this time!

[blizz]

that's the truth, she is an opinionated person and I have learnt over the last 10 or so years not to worry to much about things as she has a strong opinion on just about everything, but we do get on well with everything else I just put it down to a lack of understanding as she has had 3 children naturally and will never truely understand me or infact her brother, because she hasn't been on our journey only the bits we choose to let her see.
thanks girls it is good to know I'm not the only one who has had these debates with people. I do totally agree and I couldn't really care less about the negative comments made by people now I have developed a really thick skin, I just hope they never effect my DD directly.

[blizz]

Gargy,that's really cool one less battle to fight is always a good thing maybe AF was sensing your aggitation and will reappear now that things have calmed down, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you honey, sending you all of the best of luck possible

[Malyna]

Lizzie, I agree about the parenting stats...I feel really strongly about the issue of parenting and the impact it has on the children... I think it may have been on Oprah/Dr Phil (or some other daytime thing) where they were saying that the children pick up on how the parents treat themselves and mimic this behaviour in life, in the relationships they form with others.. so if the children see mom and dad have a loving and wonderful relationship, then their relationships with the opposite sex will be the same.. if they see one of their parents dominating the other, then that will be the 'norm' for their relationships (this happened in my first marriage and one of the reasons why I didn't have children with the ex).

[Caramello]

Regarding parenting, I suppose it goes back to the argument about nature vs nuture. I happen to agree with Lissie that the way a child is raised has more impact than the genetic pool they come from. I just have to look at some of the kids at school to see the impact of neglect from family members that are genetically related, in comparison to foster children cared for dearly by someone that is not genetically related.

My mind flips back and forth...I remember in the series 'The Human Body' that they did an experiment where they showed the closer the genetic connection, the more a person was willing to risk to help the other. However, in the same program they talked about completely unrelated people and how much they were willing to risk to help a stranger (eg rescuing people from fires, from the 9/11 Towers etc).

My dearest wish is that once DH holds our little baby she or he will have him wrapped around their finger in the first glance. Highly probable - the pets do this already LOL!!

[alioops]

from reading ur blog gargy, i don't doubt it. He seems pretty easygoing and takes things as they come iykwim. hmmm, i really should go to bed now tho. BTW, i love ur blog hun, wish i was disciplined enough to keep writing in mine lol

[blizz]

Gargy,
Honey have no fear your little bubbas WILL wrap DH around their fingers, (especially if they happen to be a little girl LOL) DH loves her so much and DD worships the ground he walks on, I'll have to ask him some time about how he feels about things deep down but all signs at the moment are that he is no longer concerned about her conception, and I do know that he hasn't any regrets about doing what we've done (apart from the reduced amount of lovin' he gets since my PG and giving birth he,he,he)

[anney]

blizz,
that is so great that your DH and DD are so bonded. I think going through everything a couple has to, to get a child conceived through a donor, will help make the bond stronger. the child will never be taken for granted. I am sure this will happen for you and DH Gargy. That TV shows sounds really interesting.
also, in the case of donor eggs and donor embies there are some articles written about "epigenetics" which is about how the carrying of the child in the womb influences the characteristics of a child.

[Millie08]

Hi girls..

We've come to a bit of a road block.. and need your help!!

As you know, our clinic gets their donor sperm from Xytex (in the US). After lots of hours, we finally narrowed down our choices (based on their physical characteristics e.g. tall!!!).. only to find out yesterday that our clinic doesn't have any of them on their list.

Because of the new laws here (the 10 family limit per donor and the fact that they must allow for their identity to be known after the child is 18), the clinic is given a master list of acceptable donors and then from those choose only 4 donors per order. None from our list are even on their master list so we can't even request them when they do their next order! Our clinic said that it's possible that they may have been given to another clinic in Australia and therefore can't be used at theirs.

So, what we were wondering is if anyone knows of another clinic anywhere that uses Xytex?? We're happy to travel if it means being able to use any from our list....

Or if not, for those of you who used the unknown donor option, what sort of information were you given in order to make your choice??

Hope you are all well and looking forward to the weekend!! I certainly am..

Millie xx

[sushee]

New thread time.