Potential/Current Donors Discussion Thread #1

[WelshGirl]

Hi

I'm not sure where to post this, so I hope this is the right place.

My friend is in her 40's, and cannot conceive naturally because she has previously had chemotherapy treatment for lukemia.

I am thinking of offereing egg donation. She would make a fantastic mother, and I think it would be an incredible gift - but i'm not sure i'm strong enough.

What does everyone think?

I'm just looking for some thoughts really.

Thanks

x

[Sal]

Hi there,

I've not been in either your or your friend's situation, so these are just my thoughts that I've had about the subject.

Personally, I think it's a wonderful idea and the best gift that one woman can give another woman.

I'm sure that you'd need to have some sort of counselling before making such a big decision as egg donation. I think also that you need to have finished your family before you take such a step (I believe the clinics insist on this, but am not 100% sure). Your DH would need to support the idea, or else it would be even harder.

As for the actual medical procedures, well I've undergone IVF and the injections, internal ultrasounds, bloodtests and egg collection are all bearable (well, for an infertile woman desperate for a baby, anyway) but do take their toll physically and emotionally.

I'm sure you'd be strong enough if you feel that it's the right thing for you to do.

Hope this helps.

[SuziQ]

Hi
To even consider egg donation shows that you have your heart in the right place. It is an incredible gift to give.
As Sal has said, there is a lot of counselling involved, clinics like you to have completed your family and preferably be under 35.
I am a member of an egg donor's group. There are lots of ladies in there like you who are there to learn and listen about the experiences of others. I'd suggest you join there and get a feel for the 'territory'. Because of the sensitive nature of the topic, you have to register and explain why you want to join. But, it's no big deal. Just say what you have posted here. They really are a lovely group of very knowledgeable and understanding women. I will PM the site to you.
The only comment I'd make is that you really need to be sure you are being a donor - not a lender. I had an experience with someone who was toying with the idea of being a donor but made a few too many comments about how I would drive if I had a child, what time they'd be fed etc etc. It seemed that she was only 'loaning' her eggs and wanted to play a bigger part in any child's life than I was prepared for. I think it's great for the donor to have a role in the child's life, just not the right to tell the recipient parents what to do.
Good luck with your journey, I think you're great.
Sue

[boomba]

Didnt know if this was the right place to post this? Feel free to move it!

I have often thought about donating my eggs to a couple who cannot concieve naturally. This of course is not happening anytime soon as we still have a while and a few more kids yet *fingers crossed*

But I would just like to know if anyone has done this?
Aslo what everyones thoughts are?
What are my risks etc?

I would just really like to help someone achieve the most beautiful thing life can bring.
I havent decided that its a definate yet as I dont know all the risks etc

Any thoughts would be great.

x

[boomba]

They are very valid points and not selfish . Ones I have thought of too. Also I wonder if the child would one day want to meet you and if there is some sort of privacy act which does or does not allow it?

I would love to see if anyone has done this or have been the recipient of donated eggs.
x

[soul]

I would say after 8 pregnancies and six healthy children I am fairly fertile myself!

I would give the shirt of my back for anyone and have done my fair share of giving and will continue to do so till they day I die, just don't think I could give my child as one of those giving things.

I praise anyone who can be so selfless to do so though. They would have to be one tough person, I am pathetically emotional and will cry at a add, let alone give my child away and alwyas have that wonder what they look like and so on. Wish I had the strength though, so many couples out there that cant have a child.

But then again there are so many children out there without parents too so adpotion should always be a thought as well.

[Caramello]

Hi,

Just in terms in answering your questions about donation (in general).

Firstly, it is a wonderful thing that you are considering.

Hopefully some of the others from DC thread or LTTTC thread will see this thread and come and answer specific questions about egg donation (we are using donor sperm).

However I can answer these questions:

- If you go via an IVF clinic,one of the things that the counsellors will talk to you about is whether you are able to separate the difference between donation of an egg or sperm and seeing yourself as the parent. For those of us that are using a donor, we can see a difference between those that donate (the biological parent) and those that are the raising parents. The way I see it, my child will be 'partially adopted' - biologically related to my known donor, but DH and I will be the parents.

- If you donate your gametes as an anonymous donor, the child will have access to your information once they turn 18. Depending on the state, you may also be placed on a register so that the child has easy access to the information. This is because they have found that most children need to know biological information about their parents (again, like an adopted child).

Adoption is not as easy as you would think, particularly in Australia. However, hopefully someone from the adoption thread will talk about this. Fostering is an option, but it is a very hard path, particularly when you have to return the child to a home that may not be ideal.

Anyway, hopefully that has helped a little.

[soul]

oh I am sorry to have gone of topic sweetie! You did ask our thoughts about how we would feel so just told you mine!

[Liviam]

Fantastic thread. I am in the process of considering being an egg donor for my little sister in the future. Would love to hear about the process and what is involved and how people felt about donating etc.

[soul]

Oh wow your sister now that is a whole different kettle of fish for me, I would do it for fmaily, that way I see them grow up!

[boomba]

I understand what your saying soul.
I too have these resevations, so I really want to hear if anyone has done it? And see how they have copped etc!
Like I said I have many years yet before I have to make a decison

[soul]

oh thank god Amber thank you, after reading gargys reply I though some might have thought I was going of track. I think just thinking about doing it your already a amazing person!

[Caramello]

Sorry if I confused anyone, I was just commenting on specific questions that I could answer ie.

I would love to do it but i must admit i have some reservations

being

-its a part of me and would i want to know the baby/child?? and in being that do i have the right to know??
- can i handle some one carrying my biological child?

(my answer - first bullet point)

and

Also I wonder if the child would one day want to meet you and if there is some sort of privacy act which does or does not allow it?

( my answer - second bullet point)

But then again there are so many children out there without parents too so adpotion should always be a thought as well.

(my answer - final paragraph)

As for how it feels to donate/receive eggs - there are people on the threads I mentioned that can answer this question better than me.

All I can tell you about is the roller coaster ride of sperm donation...

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Once I've had my babies, I will donate my eggs. If someone is able to receive my eggs they must want to be a mummy very much. I would not mind meeting that child when they turn 18 if they want that.

Oddly enough, I'd rather be an unknown donor than a known one - I wouldn't be able to keep my opinions to myself if I saw "my" baby every day, and that isn't helpful as the baby won't be my baby and no-one likes unsolicited advice.

[Liviam]

My sister and I and our DH's talk extremely openly about donation. The one point that we are all (all 4 of us) caught on is what would we do if the baby looked like me??? We will do it anomously (even from our own family members) so no-one would know and it would be her DH sperm. I don't think I would have a problem differencing between being a donor and it being "my" baby and I would always only be an aunty but like I said it is the looks we are concerned about. Olivia looks identical to me when I was her age so would that baby too??
The other point that does pop up now and then is how do we explain it to the child when/if they ask?It is so hard.

[dusty]

Dan I had similar worries when my sister and I started talking about her donating to me (she is so super keen). My main thought was what would I do if the baby looked like my sister more than me. It was my genuine concern about donation. Then a doctor pointed out that even if I had my own baby using my eggs there is a high likelihood of the baby looking like my sister as we share almost the same biological characteristics having shared the same mum and dad. It is so normal in life for people to say 'oh your child looks so much like so and so' in your family. Also through counselling etc, they encourage you to tell your child from when they can almost never remember when they didn't know, that they were born with the assistance of 'aunty' or in the case of unknown donor, a lovely kind lady. They also encourage the donor and recipient to tell their children from as early as possible. Apparently this way they all take it as a normal thing and it is much much harder for kids to find out later in life or it be kept a secret.
I have had friends offer to donate their eggs but it really isn't that simple as there are many things to think through eg. one offered hers to me over a year ago, but now she is finding it difficult to fall pg with her 2nd and it would have been so difficult if i had taken her up on her offer, been successful and she finds out she couldn't have anymore children. The psych/councellor says it is normally best to donate when you are absolutely sure you are not having any more children.

It is a wonderful and generous thing to want to give others the opportunity to share the joy and happiness children have brought into your lives. But as a potential recipient I know there are so many things to think about from both sides and that it is something that not everyone would be able to do for whatever reason - and that is ok IMO. xx

[katkins]

I too have thought about it. I want everyone who truely wants a child to be able to have one. I am fortunate and fall quite easily. I want to bring that joy to others. But my Dh is against it totally because the laws are still to flimsy acording to him. In my eyes, once the eggs have been collected from me, they are no longer mine and I would not be a mother to that child. I might wish to be a distant aunt, maybe, but I feel that the bonding is done mostly thru carrying that child for 9 months and birthing that child, so I feel it IS something I could do.
I also think about being a surrogate as I LOVE being pg. But I think I would draw the line there as after 9 months of sharing my body with that child, I would be attatched and giving up the child would be too hard.
Maybe if DH and I ever split, I will donate my eggs and make someone's dreams come true.... It is a dear wish of mine to do this. But as it stands now, Dh would never forgive me and I wouldn't put that stress on our relationship!

I do feel it is a wonderful thing to do for another person....

[Lissie]

Hi Guys,

I am on the end of recipient. After trying our own eggs and sperm to no avail - we were advised by IVF to look into donor issues if we were comfortable with this. We want a family - we have always been open to adoption but due to our ages we are not in the running - we are classified as too old here in Australia and overseas adoption is far to expensive for us and you must wait years which we just don't have. So we moved onto donor eggs, my girlfriend immediately put her hand up for this - she had completed her family and when i asked her if she was sure her answe was quote " i do not love my eggs" i loose them every month, she also said she felt she would have not bond with a child she had not carried and as far as she was concerned this would be our baby not hers - look everyone thinks and feels differently on this subject and i respect all. This also did not work so we moved onto donor sperm and my DH brother immediately put his hand up again he felt the same as my friend and this did not work, so now we have moved onto donor embies, which will be transferred into me in the first week of March next year, the couple who donated to us want to do this from the bottom of their hearts, they want to help another couple achieve a family and feel they joy they are feeling. They to have stated that this will be our child(should it be successful) and even though this child will have their DNA it will be our baby - we have had much counselling over the years and one thing that all our counsellor have said is that DNA only makes up 1% of true parenting and the other 99% i us building and nurturing our family. It take more than DNA to be good parents. I applaud anyone that donates eggs, sperm or embies this truly is the most selfless thing to do, another thing that all counsellor have said to us is that they all feel it is important to let the child know the truth - it is just like adoption, if i were adopted i would want to know, so with this in mind we are going to be 100% honest with our child about where he/she came from, i would rather this than tell them when they are 16yrs old as that would only bring resentment. To anyone donating or thinking of donating the issue of the child meeting you one day is a very real one and you must want and be prepared for this - if i was produced from donated embies i think or should i say i know i would want to meet the people that gave me the chance of life and that gave me to a family that loved me instead of being used for medical research or simply been thrown away. I know i have rambled on about this sor i am sorry if i have - but again to those donated or wanting to THANKYOU you put so much hope into those of us that cannot achieve it without your help. Its just some of us need more help than others to fulfill our dreams of becoming mothers (part of a poem i wrote).