Am i pushing my child too far?

[Rouge]

I think if the only focus is academic/physical improvement then yes you are pushing him too far... sowwie I think all kids need down time, and not just using their imagination. Television isn't the evil box, nor are digital games brain numbing. A recent study in the UK showed that children who used DS's before school for 10 mins had a 16% increase in concentration and the ability to learn. Yes I'm not one for First Person Shooters or violent games, but I think some console games are not mindless, just as TV isn't. Try not to focus too much on activities that are only to help excel. Its been proven that plain old fun is a very big necessity, and too many parents these days feel the need to push for activities that only benefit the brain or the body... sometimes just a bit of silly fun or a little wind down time in front of the TV is ok. I totally agree with Lulu's post. And keep in mind that often schools do not like to put a child up a few years when if they are suffering socially it can stop the urge to learn or enjoy school.

Please remember children are only children once, and how boring life would be if we learnt all we needed to in the first 20 years of our life!

I think its wonderful that you questioning this, and it shows you really care for your sons future

[Turkish Delight]

Hi,

Niliac - i know that i might be pushing my son too far or asking him to live out my dreams as a kid which i never got a chance to do. Many people have told that i am a nasty mum, in the sense that i don't allow my son to be a kid and that i give him more "homework" than what the school just provides. He is on holidays at the moment and i have bought educational homework books to complete whilst i'm at work. I may be just providing him the work because i know that he is capable. i want him to be "the best". i guess i am the one with the problem, being a perfectionist.

I spoke to my son re: Taekwondo as i was going to start phoning around for classes but when asked him AGAIN whether or not he wants to go to Taekwondo his remark was simply "i don't want to get bashed by other kids". i guess he does not know that Taekwondo is not about bashing other people up. I've explained what is and he still doesn't want to go. He wants to learn to play chess.

What am i going to do with this kid?? He doesn't want to do anything.

[Lulu]

Go buy a kite. The weather is perfect for it right now and so much FUN!

In fact you may be able to find a 'build it yourself' kite, he may like that more and he will get a chance to follow things through until the end.
I bet he would like to do anything if you are there with him. It's up to you to show him to 'push through' the things he doesn't like at the start. You can extend him in that way.......there's no point only doing things you are good at straight away. He might need a bit of resilience coaching (lots of kids do) from you, cheering from the sidelines and all that midday movie stuff.

[Rouge]

Niliac - i know that i might be pushing my son too far or asking him to live out my dreams as a kid which i never got a chance to do. Many people have told that i am a nasty mum, in the sense that i don't allow my son to be a kid and that i give him more "homework" than what the school just provides. He is on holidays at the moment and i have bought educational homework books to complete whilst i'm at work. I may be just providing him the work because i know that he is capable. i want him to be "the best". i guess i am the one with the problem, being a perfectionist.

If you know this why not try something else, sorry if that seems abrupt I just thought thats why u posted? Academic pressure and pressure to be perfect can be extremely hard on kids and again harder as an adult. It can lead to all sorts of social and emotional problems, especially anxiety and depression. I agree with Lucy go fly a kite!!!! I think you seriously need to get some fun into your lives He sounds like a bright spark already don't forget to enjoy him and the time you have with him besides the time spent for self improvement.

Good luck

[MantaRay]

I think there is some excellent advice here.

I wonder if his talking a lot is a sign of loneliness. Maybe he talks a lot when he can because he isn't getting as much companionship and one on one parent time as he would like. This isn't a criticism - it is definitely hard finding time as a working parent - I am one myself - but maybe something to think about. If you can find a way to address that, it might help him. I also think if this is the case, that some of the suggestions for team sports or scouts etc would come in very handy because it would give him more company as well.

Just a thought.

[Phteven]

I can understand it of you're worried that there's not enough balance between the physical and mental aspects of his life but excercise doesn't have to be structured to be effective. Instead of spending the time at classes maybe you can spend the time excercising together; fly a kite (nice one Lulu), go for a bushwalk, try canoeing, ride a bike, play hide and seek, take a day trip to the snow and ride a toboggan (coming down is so much fun you don't notice the walk up lol) or build a snowman, dig a garden together, kick a ball around in the park or your back-yard, make a slip and slide (maybe wait until summer lol), hula-hoop, jump rope, play tag or hop-scotch..... It's all cheaper than tae-kwon-do and just as effective.

[paradise lost]

Hey, i'm jumping in late with a response - i did type a big reply earlier but my computer ate it when i hit Post...

Anyway, i was a gifted child and it looks like i have a gifted child myself. A few things stand out for me.

Do you think it's possible he cannot finish things under his own steam because he doesn't ever have to? Because you are there nudging him along/leading his activities (in the sense of getting the books etc.)? When i was a kid my parents didn't choose my activities, i did. It took them a while to do so, i can remember being about 3 and people coming over to have me read to them - i hated it, i felt under constant scrutiny and all the praise seemed empty because reading was easy for me and i didn't have to try. It left me feeling that "if they REALLY knew me they wouldn't like me anymore" because i knew exactly how hard i was trying - i.e. not at all hard. Eventually i refused to read anymore unless it was a very secure time when no one could possibly come and "catch" me. Once my folks twigged that i didn't like the scrutiny (they weren't being mean, they were just amazed at me) they let me choose what i learned about.

When i got going on my "Why?" questions my mum would say "i don't know, let's go to the library and you can find out" and off we would go. She would say "i'll get you back here in 40 minutes to take the books you want out" and i cannot tell you how many times i took out 6 books on my ticket and 5 on hers because i HAD to know about something. I got used to working FOR me, to find out what i WANTED to know, under my own steam. Safe in the knowledge that no-one was going to check up on me, i learned crazy amounts of information. Just the other day a friend who's about to begin his coppiceman qualification came over and as we walked through the park he mentioned he needed to collect leaves from 30 different trees and write them up with their latin names. I pointed out 17 from where we were stood, some of which i knew the Latin for. His mouth fell open, and he said "HOW do you know those" and you know what, i don't remember. Presumably at some point i wanted to know about how to recognise trees and plants. But all the things i learned on my own REALLY stuck and it gave me a life-long thirst for knowledge that doesn't need any external motivation.

The one-off lessons/only a few lessons rang a familiar bell to me. When i was a kid i was praised a lot. "You're SO smart" was what i heard all day. Problem was, i wasn't having to TRY to get those compliments. It was nice, i liked it, but i felt like a bit of a fraud. Then i would come across something i DID have to try for - like music (i read it great but played brass and woodwind BADLY, i discovered the classical guitar later in life and thank goodness, an instrument i've an aptitude for, at last! ) and i would give up. Why? Well because i'd heard forever "You're smart!" when i wasn't trying - i thought if i had to TRY something was wrong. Please consider, at 3 i was reading at a 5-year-old level, at 5 i was reading at a 9-year-old level, at 9 i was reading like a teenager - i NEVER had to try at any of that. I can remember my first riding lesson, i was DEVASTATED that at the end of an hour all i could do was walk and turn and stop - based on my experience with most academic things i thought i'd be jumping on the first day! I didn't get a B in anything until i was 15 and i practically had a nervous breakdown!

My mum did a few things to try to counteract that, and i've plans for many more for DD. We planted seeds. No matter HOW good you are at gardening seeds take the same amount of time to germinate, grow, flower, fruit. The process needs input - you have to keep on watering, tying up, weeding, and if you do it well you get flowers or beans ot whatever you planted - but there is no "do it, get instant reward/praise" that is so common when you're gifted. We (mum and now me) do plenty of focusless creative tasks - pictures scratched in mud or sand, playdoh creations, basically the longer you spend doing it (while enjoying it of course!) and the less permanent it is, the better - the point is to enjoy a PROCESS in the absense of any results. We went (and i now go) on walks through the countryside. Moving your body is so important and it calms the mind. You might find a 2-hour hike sees him, by the end, talking less and seeing more of the world. There is a danger, when your mind goes at 12million miles a second, that you'll miss the actual world you live in.

Re: chess - my dad had an electronic chess game. I lOVED playing (and sometimes beating) a computer, especially when it didn't matter to anyone but me and it got me interested in computer programming to boot! You can pick them up at carboot sales for buttons now, they're hardly Nintendo DS!

So this has been mammoth but to sum up - i think you KNOW you're pushing him too hard. Ultimately he might grow up to be a very clever man, but it's possible he will have awful memories of his childhood if you knowingly push him the whole time, and it's possible that being pushed through childhood will make him hate his intellect to the point that he NEVER EVER wants to use it. There's a difference between quenching a child's thirst for knowledge and drowning them in your own expectations.

He's on holiday just now, LET him do nothing. You say you have him working now because he's capable. I bet if i FORCED you to, you're capable of running 30km/day for a week. How do you think you'd feel about me if i did that though?

As an aside i think you need to look at what you wanted for yourself and work on making that happen for you. The trouble with living things out through other people is that they're NEVER going to be good enough, because they're NEVER going to be you. Pick your OWN goals to work towards, support your son in his desires to learn. Push YOURSELF.

Bx

[Turkish Delight]

Hoobley,
Your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. You are so right about me. i want him to live my dreams. I don't want him to have bad memories of his childhood.
i really think that my son has the same character as you not wanting to do something that he knows he may end up as a failure since we ALWAYS tell him how smart he is and how good he is academically.
i will buy him chess software or a hand held electronic chess game since he loves it so much. I want to thank you and appreciate the time and effort it has taken to write that very long post just for my son and i. i thank you once again.

Kiting is great. His dad is very capable at building and making things so i will suggest that they spend some "boy" time together and make one and we go out as a family and fly it together.

Thanks to ALL

[Peach]

Turkish Delight :: I think everyone here has given you some fantastic advice .. although I do think that you are trying to be a good mum and that most (not all) but most parents do the best they can with what they have available to them at the time. No one is perfect!

I really think you have the best intentions with your son, you want the best for him. Don't be upset by that!

I would be asking myself ... why do I want him to be the best ?? Would you rather him be the best .. or would you rather him be a happy and well balenced child ?? I think 1 - 2 afternoons of extra activity (perhaps chess and a team sport ?) is plenty. Any more than that and you are definately asking too much.

I just want to add ::
My daughter came home with her report card .. she excitedly opened it up as she was SURE she was getting an A for maths .. she has tried so so hard .. she studied and she always thought she did well .. we encourage her and I was excited for her .. she opened the letter and she got straight C's. C's for everything. She was devistated. I turned to her and said.. "you know what.. did you try your best." She nodded with tears in her eyes. I said that is all anyone can ask from you.

I didn't say ok .. we can fix this! Take her down to the book store and buy her extra homework books to do extra work so she could be the best. I honestly don't care what other student get for their grades and comparing children will only end in disappointment for someone. I do believe that every child has something to offer and has a talent at something! Perhaps my daughter is an artist!

Anyway .. that night we got out a board game and played it as a family by the end of the evening she was happy and feeling loved and accepted no matter what. And that is what I want for my children.

[ickledoormouse]

Turkish Delight :: I think everyone here has given you some fantastic advice .. although I do think that you are trying to be a good mum and that most (not all) but most parents do the best they can with what they have available to them at the time. No one is perfect!...feeling loved and accepted no matter what. And that is what I want for my children.

I didn't quote the whole post because it's right above mine, but I agree with Peach completely.

Turkishdelight - you seem like a dedicated mum who wishes the best for her son, but perhaps you are trying to hard? You say he 'doesn't want to do anything', but perhaps you are making too many suggestions and giving too many options? If a child is really interested in doing something, they tend to badger you to do it! Could it be that you are ceasing on a passing curiousity in things that your son knows others enjoy and trying to push your son into them because you don't think he does enough out of school?

Children learn best through play, imitation and example. Too much emphasis is put on intellectual education when children are young - what's wrong with reading enjoyable picture books TOGETHER, rather than doing more maths on top of the homework they already receive? Taking a trip to the zoo with a friend (get him to nominate a classmate he enjoys spending time with at school and invite them), looking at and learning about the animals in person? Perhaps a trip to the science museum where he can fiddle with things (a good boys outing!).

These things are adventurous and full of fun, as well as being educational. The trick is to not make it seem like they're learning...

The kite suggestion was an excellent idea. Building a kite that flys well means you need to learn about different materials, aerodynamics, weather patterns, a bit of engineering, but most importantly a lot of fun.

Also, it doesn't have to be outdoor or 'manly' pursuits. Helping with baking and cooking is a great way to learn about volume, measuring and cause and effect; gardening is a great way to learn about plant life cycles - especially if you grow something edible!

One or two after school activities a week are a good idea, but too many is physically exhausting for a child. I mean both extra-curricular 'classes' and trips. Once a child has finished his homework and helped with any chores etc, they get very little time to windown and relax on school days. It's no wonder they sometimes just want to 'veg' in front of the tv.

All of these things, whether done with parents, a friend or groups of peers, are all good ways to build social and emotional skills. Interacting with others of ALL AGES is incredibly important.

[didispunk]

Break it up so he can do a little of everything, TV time games time, outside time etc.
He is in grade 2 not in year 11.. So dont worry too much he is a little boy.