I dunno about both parents working - I work, but I still teach DS (and yes, not ideal, but at least DS gets a good school thanks to the area, if we didn't have this house and mortgage and were in what we could afford to rent then I'd still have to work and DS would go to a poorer school). If Nursery asked me to "do something" about undesirable behaviour, I would talk to DS's key worker at a convenient time (when DS wasn't around, ideally!) to discuss how we could work in tandem about this. Although he's Mr Perfect for them, they tell me. He saves the tantrums for home.

But kids aren't daft, even tiny ones. They know if rules are different then they play up to that. I work with nursery to ensure that DS has consistant messages, from table manners to not hitting during playtime even to sleep routines (they follow mine, btw, not the other way round!). That way he doesn't get confused and wonder why boundaries differ all the time. I will be the same with school - if he is expected to learn his words, I'll help him learn his words. If they want to talk about a problem and need me to learn something to support DS then I'll do it. I'm his parent, I'm responsible. Even if I ask someone else, like school or nursery, to help enforce it, it's still my responsibility. I don't see how other parents think it isn't! Even if I only saw DS one hour a week and hired a nanny, I'd still be responsible for him and for organising discipline.