How would you handle this??

[Nadine216]

Ok, this post is about racisim. So bear in mind that I am asking your opinion and help, not your critasism, and I am going to write this in the most sensitive way that I know how.

MODS - If this is a no-go topic, delete the post and let me know. Thanks

I am white and have been brought up in the "old apartheid regime" of South Africa. I am not a racist, but I do believe that even when all races works together, each race belongs separate "after-hours" so to speak. That sounds stupid. What I mean is fish with fish and birds with birds. My husband (like most white males growing up in the 1980's) are a bit more, how do I put this ... set in the old ways. I feel it's not his fault that he believe what he does. I have to respect that, even when I don't always agree to the extent that he does.

Currently I have dd in a day-care facility, a great one. The problem (more for DH than me) is that it's a mixed day-care. We have been "debating" (read late night fighting in bed) about taking her out and putting her with a white day-mother. DH's view is that although he can't keep her from interacting with other races, he wants her "foundation" set. He wants her to "learn" that races don't mix. God that really sounds awfull but he is not a bad person, he was just brought up in another time. And that is exactly my argument. The TIME she is growing up in is so different than the TIME we were kids and it's unfair towards her to bring her up in the manner that we have been brought up, kwim? And I feel our lead-by-example should be sufficient for her to know what we deem apropriate or not.

This parenting-thing is hard.

Could someone tell me how you would handle this. I am sure I am not the only women in the world that are married to a man set in his ways.

[Mummy_2_Tyrone]

As you said times have changed. Not all races stick to there own, I guess it takes one person to break the ice to form great inter racial friendships.
As for what I would do? well i would want my child to interact with other races. But thatws something you and your DH have to decide together ( i know you already know this)..
If you think that your child will be better off in a mixed race day care, then stick to your guns and make that happen, if you want your child to be in a all white day care, than do that too..
I dont think it really matters either way with day care, its more when they get to school age..
Hope you work it out

[Butterfly_Princess]

Hey Nadine,
I totally understand, having lived in SA for half my life, and having parents that grew up in SA. They are percieved to be ALL bad, just because SOME make up the majority of the crime.
My parents are kinda the same as your DH with the views of different races mixing. My views though are that every one is equal..i have no problem with different races mixing. This wasnt because of how my parents bought me up though. If it were up to my parents id be a bit more like them.
Personally id keep her in the mixed race child care.
She will one day be old enough to have her own opinions no matter what you end up choosing. Until then there is no harm in keeping her where she is now, and may possibly let her be a bit more open minded about these things, rather than possibly thinking that they are 'bad' people, by complately seperating her from them.

HTH??

[Boo Boo]

Hi Nadine

As you know I lived in SA for a time, the thing is when your child is school age she will go to a mixed school as I don't think there are any segregated schools anymore (correct me if I am wrong) and once she gets out into the big wide world she will be dealing with people of all races, religions, backgrounds, etc so I guess integrating her from a young age is showing her what the real world is all about.

Good luck with your DH, (men there a stubborn bunch aren't they - but that's another thread in itself).

Laurin x

[Nadine216]

M2T - I know I should just do what I feel is best and stick to my guns, but he is trowing compromising into the topic and I have to bend, just as he does. I totally agree that at 14 months they don't know the difference and that it becomes "seriouser" when they go to school.

Mummymeg - We agree that we don't want to learn her that they are bad ppl, heavens no! And just because they are a different colour does not mean that they have to be treated different, it's just when it comes to mixing, kwim?? I think he fears that she will bring home a boyfriend of colour. I'll be a widow that day.

Lauren - I just had to laugh at the segregated schools. We have a "state" in South Africa called Oranja. It's and all-white boerevolk state (they even have their own currency ) and they have only-white schools and when DH is in a real testy mood, he will say that he will be sending dd there for schooling. I know that will never happen, because I will not let her go to a hostel and I am DEFINATLY not moving to god-forsakend Oranja!!!! But you are right, there are no all-white, or all-coloured schools anymore, so the sooner she learns to intergrate, the better for her.

So after another heated discussion, we went "day-care" shopping today and found the most perfect place, colourfull and fun looking, big back-yard with trees and grass and lots of toys. It's not all white, they are open to all races, but there more white kids. And less kids overall, so more one-on-one attention, and hopefully less flu-germs. So that was our compromise. I told him, I'll move her there. Problem is ... they are full We can be on the waiting list for next year and that is not going to help us now. The owner is on holiday now, but as soon as she comes back, DH is going to talk to her and hear if there might just be a chance that she can help us.

Thank you all for your replies. I know I know all these stuff, I was just at my wits-end with DH. He really can be a stubborn @ss sometimes.