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Thread: How do you handle this situation?

  1. #1

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    Default How do you handle this situation?

    Hi,

    My DH and I have been desperately TTC baby number 2 for 22months now. I have had 2 miscarriages (both at 12 wks) and one chemical pregnancy. I have 7 good friends who are all pregnant at the moment (the 1st baby is due in 2 weeks, then every month after that). Although I am happy for my friends I am extreamly jealous and disappointed that Im not pregnant. I just dont know how I am going to handle seeing all their babies. I know when the time comes and I see their bubs I will be happy but it will be killing me inside. None of my friends have had any trouble TTC and some werent even TTC. Just wondering how any of you reacted at your friends being pregnant and how you handled seeing their babies?


  2. #2

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    how many of them know of your losses?

    i guess one thing i have made sure of is to let the friends that i would normally have visited straight away know that i might struggle a little, it's not about them, it's about what i have lost. i've not had anyone give me anything but support - and even when i've gone to see them they let me take it at my own pace...

    you will alawasy feel a sense of loss and frustration at your situation - walk away and get some time to yourself if you need to, then go back - no one will hold it against you

    good luck with coping, and i hope your dream of holding number two in your arms is fulfilled very soon

    BG

  3. #3

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    I know it is real hard! My friend had her bub yesterday...no. 4 for them, we start ttc around the same time and i guess i am just feeling real down about it all. I have absolutely no idea of how i am going to react when i actually see the baby, don't get me wrong i am really happy for them and i am glad they haven't had any fertility issues what so ever, but i still can't just escape from this jealous rage i feel inside me. Now i even feel crap with DP because he has gone around to "wet the baby's head tonight" and he hasn't even asked if i feel alright about all this...how naive are men...stupid creatures!

    Sorry this is your vent and i have just had a vent instead!

    We have only been seriously ttc since April 07 but i haven't taken any form of contraception since DS was born 6yrs ago this April...i feel so miserable everytime i think about it!

  4. #4

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    A few of our friends have fallen pg and had babies over the last 6 months. I have actually (as hard as it was) told them about my m/c as I didn't want them to feel that I wasn't happy for them. They were grateful for me telling them and I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders too. It is extremely hard to deal with after a m/c (whether it was 12 days or 12 months ago) - you are very happy for them but at the same time can't help but fell an extreme sense of loss.

    To be honest - very time I have heard of a pg or birth I have cried my eyes out. Not that I resent them any happiness but it's just an overwhelming sensation. At first I felt selfish but not I just fell relief, that I can cry and wake up tomorrow feeling better (hopefully).

    Good luck and I hope you are holding a happy and healthy # 2 in your arms very soon.

  5. #5

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    Danniim - I totally understand what you mean, I feel the same way, I just dont know how I will handle seeing the baby. Men are very naive, I bet my DH will do the exact same thing in 2wks time coz it's his best mate's wife who is having the bub. I don't think they even stop and think to see what effect a new baby has on us.

    Briggsy's girl - most of my friends know about my losses (except the Chemical Preg that I had last week, the only reason they don't know about that is because DH and I have decided when I fall pregnant again we arent telling anyone about it until after the 12 wk scan. None of my friends have had any losses of their own so they don't talk to me about it, which is fine I guess but I don't think they realise that it still hurts me to see others pregnant.

    Jeez I sound really nasty dont I? I don't mean to be, I am happy for them but I just wish I could be happy and be pregnant too.

  6. #6

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    Leigh its mother nature to be jealous over something you want more than anything and someone else has it already. I don't think it ever gets easier but by staying +tive that we will one day have another baby helps to keep you going.

    Best of luck

  7. #7

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    Hi Leigh,
    I am sorry to hear of your losses. You seem to have loads of pg friends and IKWYM, it is the one of the hardest things to cope with right now. Don't feel bad about feeling jelous. It is not nasty or unexpected to feel sad when you friends have something that you so badly want. If they have not been through m/c themselves, then maybe they dont know how you feel right now?

    I met my friends daughter for the first time last week. It was actually OK, not as bad as I was thinking and it probably helped that she is already 6 months old. Oddly, the only time that I got upset was when my friend started talking about the laste stages of pregnancy and the birth (at which point, I changed the subject) Does DH know how you feel? Maybe he could take you somewhere nice after you meet your friends baby for the first time, or could you plan something to do together that might take the sting out of a stresssful introduction to the new bub. Last week, I promised myself a nice long soak in the bath with a glass of wine for when I got back from meeting the baby.

    It must be really tough for you at the moment. I hope that you have some supportive friends around you (who arent pregnant). Let us know how you get on.
    Good Luck

  8. #8
    paradise lost Guest

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    When i had my first loss i was 1 week in PG behind my best friend from childhood. Her pregnancy went smoothly. I went to see them when he was 3 weeks old. It was so so hard seeing her feeding him, but after she'd fed him she said "Be an angel for aunty Bec" and then to me "i really need a shower" and then left him snoozing, warm and milky, in my arms for 40 minutes. I cried, i held him so tenderly, i stroked his perfect, round little head and admired his beautiful rosebud lips, and i started to heal. It sounds mad even to me, because i left more acutely aware of what i'd lost, but i felt like she really understood my devastation and she shared him so freely with me. For months afterwards she would call me and tell me about "my boy" and how he was doing. She made me feel so included and it made a great difference to me. After i'd had my own baby it hit me what a gift that had been from her, it is VERY VERY hard to share your newborn like that.

    When she was nearly halfway through her second pregnancy it gave me great joy to answer her "how are you?" with "10 weeks pregnant!". Our kids (her #2, my #1) were born 12 weeks apart and we have shared milestones and laughs and tears.

    Your friends will always be your friends. I know how it feels to be out of step with them, believe me i do, but have faith, it isn't forever. Not a single one of them can grow your perfect children, only you can, and you will hun, you will. I'm sorry you are having to wait. Talk to your closest friends, share your hurt with them and give them the gift of the opportunity to love and care for you as i'm sure they want to. Friends who refuse to understand are not true friends.



    Bx

  9. #9

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    What I found the hardest was the hospital visits when their bubs had just been born. I used to hold back the tears whilst in the hospital room (it was absolute torture) and then break down as soon as I hit the carpark. My ex used to think I was being selfish, but I wasn't, I was just feeling absolute despair over my lack of being able to procreate. This was years ago. Last year after having a second m/c in a year with my new partner I decided I wasn't going to visit my SIL in hospital when her bubs was born, I would just visit when she got home, as somehow it didn't seem as bad. I think it's all that happiness that surrounds the actual arrival that makes the hospital visit so difficult, so maybe if you avoid that you might be a little better off. I'm sure your friends will understand if they know your history.

    My SIL is due in a week so I know I'll have to deal with those feelings again very soon and now that I'm pregnant again I feel I can deal with the hospital visit, but it could be harder than I expect. I think I will still have those thoughts that I should already have a bub in my hands by now, not just be halfway through.

  10. #10

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    Hi, I know how you feel. I have had 2 m/c in the last 9 months. Strangely, I would have been due with the first one at the time I m/c with the second. It was only 6 weeks ago that it happened and Im feeling realy sad because this week would have been the week that we were going to share our news with everyone. I have had 5 people close to me announce their pregnancies in the last year. My sister included, her bubs is 4 weeks old tomorrow. My sister in law is also due in 7 weeks. She and her husband were trying for 2 years, the same as DH and I, but fell pregnant in July last year. That was the worst, because although I was happy for her, especially after trying for so long and this being her 1st (I already have 1), she had finally done it and it just made me realise how long it had been since we started TTC. I think it was worse seeing other people pregnant rather than seeing their babies, for some reason. I think for me its because I have forgotten what it feels like to have a baby growing inside you and the joys of pregnancy, but I have not forgotten what its like to have a child. Anyway, I know that it sounds awful to feel this way, but I dont think Its because we are awful people, just human.

  11. #11

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    Hi everyone, thanks for all your responses and support!!!

    Issy I know what you mean about forgetting what it's like to have a growing baby inside you (I can't wait to feel that again and all the kicking and movements), I feel I took my first pregnancy with DD for granted, if I had of known it was going to be so hard for me to TTC my 2nd baby I definitely would've cherished the pregnancy evern more!!!

    I think I will wait til all my friends are home from hospital before I visit them, it probably will make it easier (hopefully). My sister is actually pregnant as well, she wasnt even trying for her baby and when she rang to tell me she was preg she was kind of saying how disappointed she was to be pregnant coz it wasnt planned etc. When I got off the phone to her I cried my eyes out. Plus the fact that I had only lost a baby 3 months before she'd told me. She is pregnant with her 2nd child and her 2 kids will be 14 months apart. Everyone in my family is excited she is pregnant again but I cant really bring myself to talk to her about her pregnancy, she doesnt really speak to me about it either, not sure if it's coz she knows it may upset me. Dont get me wrong, Im glad her pregnancy is going so well but I also think why do all the bad things happen to me?

  12. #12

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    Hi Leigh and everyone else,

    Firstly, I just want to commend you on your generosity of spirit - you seem to be coping admirably in the face of adversity. Good on you for not alienating yourself from your friends - which would be a very understandable response at this time!

    We have got two kids (DD - 9) and (DS - just turned 6). When my DS was 3 I decided to try for another baby (mum had just died and suddenly family meant even more to me). I had a chemical pregnancy, followed by a spontaneous miscarriage at 8 weeks, followed by an ectopic pregnancy at 6 weeks. Mum's death and the miscarriage and ectopic preg all occured in MARCHes. During this time, I found it too difficult to face pregnant friends - particularly those going for a third - so I let those friendships suffer.

    I am now pleased to report that THIS MARCH (the first good March in three years) I am expecting our 3rd baby.

    I do wish that along this journey I had been more open with certain people and confided more about what had been happening. I did let those friendships suffer and it would be nice to be closer to those ladies now that I AM having a baby.

    So my advice to you is to keep doing what you are doing. Keep the open communication going and let people know if you're simply going through a rough trot and find it all too much to handle. I think it probably is a good idea to visit those friends upon their arrival home, rather than at the hospital (too confronting). Because - when you DO have your next baby, you will be grateful for the support that your friends will give - after all, you have been such a good friend to THEM.

    I wish you all the very best and hope that your BFP is just around the corner.

    Tracy

  13. #13

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    Hi Leigh,
    I know exactly what you mean about taking the first pregnancy for granted. I did too. I dont think I even enjoyed it as much as I should have, and definately not as much as I will the next time around. I think so many people take it for granted that they can conceive easily and naturally, I know I did and now I know what its like to be on the other side, and its not fun at all. I find it really hard to be happy for other people, I know that sounds horrible, but I just cant help it. I mean I dont want anything to go wrong for them or anything, but its just so hard to enjoy the good news. I cry every time someone announces their pregnancy, especially family members. Then I have days where I say to myself,"there are people worse off than you, pull yourself together, you have been blessed with a beautiful angel, and thats more than some people ever have". But the feeling of wanting another is so strong. I hope that both of us are blessed again very soon, you never know, it may be just around the corner!

    Issy x x

  14. #14

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    Lady Penelope, thank you so much for the good advice!!! You have given me great inspiration to try and stay positive and that my bfp is hopefully just around the corner. Congratulations on expecting your 3rd baby, that is great news!!!! Have you stressed through your pregnancy about m/c again? I know that I will be a nervous wreck when I finally fall preg.

    Issy, I can relate to you sooo much, everything you are feeling, I am feeling too. I seem to notice pregnant people everywhere I go and think to myself, why them and not me but then I also think Im so lucky I have at least one child and there are so many others out there who cant have children and would truely love just one child of their own.

    I just cant wait to get a BFP and have a healthy baby in my arms again. Dh wants a baby too but he doesnt stress about it like I do. When I tell him AF has arrived he doesnt seem to mind coz to him its just another month we get to BD all the time again. I feel that once I get my bfp and healthy baby a huge weight will be lifted off my shoulders coz I dont have to go through this month after month anymore (although we would like 3 children so hopefully TTC number 3 wont be a struggle like number 2).

  15. #15

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    Hi Leigh,
    I totally understand. I cant believe how much your story is like mine. DH is not as stressed as me every month and enjoys the practice more than anything I think! But sometimes it becomes a chore for me and only about one thing which is horrible sometimes. When and If I eventually get my bfp I will also be a nervous wreck, after a few m/c I think its hard not to be. I can even imagine myself thinking...ok how long will I get to enjoy this one before it all comes crashing down. You start to lose faith in yourself. But I guess positivity is the key...which is just so hard sometimes.

    I also notice all those pregnant people on the street and I can feel myself almost glaring at them...horrible. And the bloody pregnancy adds are killing me, especially the one where she finds out she is pregnant (a new one)..what I would give to see a positive result and for it to stay that way!

    I hope it happens for us soon...we seem to almost have the same experience so far...it would be great for us to both fall pregnant and share the feelings of that journey instead of this one. But its so nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what your going through and when you share your feelings you dont have to feel like your a horrible person for feeling the way you do.

    By the way, I dont know if this happens to you...but I always get this, "your still so young (25) you have plenty of time and you already have one", they just dont get it!

    Issy x

  16. #16

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    Issy - I know, I hate it when people say you're only young, it will happen. The other one I hate is when people say stop trying and it will happen or don't stress about it, it will happen. Oh that makes me mad coz how can you stop trying or stressing when it is something you really want so badly. Notice it's always seems to be people who say it who have never had any problems TTC or had any miscarriages!!

    I totally know what you mean about BD-ing becoming a chore when you're TTC. I was just saying to DH last week that I hate the fact that every month we have to BD at the right time just so we're in with a shot at getting pregnant. It's hard when you're not really in the mood and you have to force yourself to do it. My DH jokingly said to me that I only use him to BD when Im ovulating. It's really hard for us coz he works shift work and gets one day off a week at the moment and we never see each other so then I start stressing about what if we dont get to BD when Im ovulating. Sometimes I even have to wake him during the day to BD coz he's asleep after night shift. Of course he isn't in the mood to do it then but it's the only time we really get to.

    Wouldnt it be great if we got our BFP's together and had healthy bubs!!! Im actually due to ovulate anyday now so fingers X'd this will be our month.

  17. #17

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    Hi Leigh,
    Yes, yes yes yes yes, its so good to chat to you about this, we are so much alike. My DH says exactly the same thing to me, I only use him when Im ovulating, and im not so sure he was joking about it either! I just get so exhausted after trying so hard around the time of ovulation that I just want to relax after its all over. Everyone tells me to relax and that it will happen when the timing is right! What the hell does that mean? Im ready now! And yes that is the response from all those people who have never experienced any trouble TTC .

    Im also about to ovulate any day now. Im on CD13 at the moment. I hope this is the month for both of us. We will have to update eachother on how its all going. With a bit of luck we could both be posting in the "annouce your pregnancy" forum instead. Come on March, be the lucky month for us!!!!

    Issy

  18. #18

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    Issy = I'm keeping my fingers x'd for both of us!!! Im CD 10 at the moment but my opk I did before was very,very,very close to positive so I might ovulate early. I was reading some old posts before and came across one you had written. I cant believe how similar our situation is coz my DD was conceived naturally and was an "accident" as well, I also had to have an emergency cesearian with her. With my last miscarriage the dr's had discovered that my uterus had stuck to my upper stomach wall so during my D & C they had to cut it away from my stomach. Mr dr isnt concerned yet about me TTC (coz Im young 26) but he said if im not pregnant in 6 - 12 months he'll then check to see that my tubes arent blocked or anything. I have been told though that I have an awful lot of scar tissue inside of me from my ceasar so Im hoping that this isnt stopping me from getting pregnant.

    im so hard that we get our bfp's soon.

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