Abusive DH

[misty]

I Have put this question in this section for emotional reasons.

I know it may be hard for some to discuss but I was needing some thoughts.

If you had no money to your name, and your DH hit you once, would you leave?

The money would not be a factor in my decision at all.

I would like to think that 'yes' I would leave straight away - having said that, I have been with DH for 12yrs (since I was 16 and he was 15) and this sort of behaviour would be so far out of character, it would really depend on the context and the extent of the violence (ie, was it a punch or a tap?). Honestly, if my DH hit me, I woould be more then likely to hit him back twice as hard - but it has never been an issue in our relationship.

I have had friends in abusive relationships, the problem is it is so easy to rationalise and justify the behaviour - even though to the rest of the world it may be extremely obvious. I think it depends on your relationship, how long you have been together, how well you know him. I don't believe money should be a factor for staying.

[briggsy's girl]

it would really depend on the context, as others have mentioned. if you've got no money cos he witholds it as a way to control you, and then hits you - hell yeah, that would be the straw that broke the camels back

if you have no money because you're struggling financially as a couple, it would be different - i'd have to look at WHY - is it out of character to hit out - is there the potential for a mental illness or something? if he accepted that what he did was wrong, and agreed to seek help (therapy/meds/investigation) then i would CONDITIONALLY stick it out. if he didn't think he'd done anything wrong, then i would leave

centrelink have social workers that can help in a crisis situation. not everyone can get advances of payments, but the social workers have contacts within charities and welfare organisations that can help you leave if you need to.

i definitely wouldn't let my financial situation be the make or break of me going - if i needed to leave cos i felt unsafe, then i'd find a way to go. womens refuges exist for a reason


Schmickers - you're right - violence against men isn't recognised anywhere near as much as it should be. i admire you being honest enough to admit that you'd consider your children in whether you leave - i guess for many of us we assume that the person being abused would leave and take their kids - not always so easy when the abuser is the female partner...

[littlelara]

I don't have anthing constructive to add (you've had some wonderful responses)
I just hope you're ok

[Baby14]

Oh sweety, everyones story is different. But, at this stage in my life I would say yes, I would definitely leave. My DH is an amazing man and I can't imagine any circumstance that he would ever lay a finger on me but I was in a very violent relationship previously. The phsyical violence did not start until about 5 years into the relationship but I should have left the first time it happened. I made excuses for him and endured things that I can't even comprehend now. I should have left the first time it happened. Now I can honestly say IMO there is NEVER any excuse for violence. Having no money would be tough babe but there is support available. GL x

[widdly]

yes, hun, I would leave ASAP.

My DH is an emotional abuser and I had no money/car/house but I still packed up and left ASAP. Call Centrelink and find out what support and money they can give you, also Housing Trust can help you with finding a place to live/give you bond money. Do you have any family or close friends to lean on for support.

Leaving him right now doesnt have to mean leaving him forever either. DH and I are still working hard to get things back on track and have a healty relationship and it is taking a long time to get there but progress is being made. Dont be scared that you leaving has to be forever cause it doesnt. If you both love each other and are prepared to do the work to fix things it can be worked out. My DH took 12 months to actually agree to counselling and admit his faults and work on himself, so it may not happen overnight, but it can happen.

I hope you are okay right now xx

[clare076]

I dont think its a questions that someone can answer definately unless they are in that situation. I know my partner called me some really horrible names once and I told him if he ever did it again I would leave, 12 months later he did it again and I am still here. I have never felt threatened, (mainly because I know if he laid a hand on me he wouldn't want to close his eyes when he slept at night time), which is probably why I am still here, plus it was totally out of character for him. I do know however that if my hubby hit me once, I definately would not bring children into the situation until I could be sure that they would not be subjected to that behaviour.

hugs hun, I hope you can make a decision that is right for you
xxx

[Izabella]

.....

[Trillian]

Before you do anything, I think you really need to talk to him about it when he gets home. Otherwise it will turn into the proverbial elephant in the room and that wont be healthy for either of you. That said, you need to know that you will be 100% safe around him and not worry that every time you have a disagreement that he might do it again. Honestly if it were me, I wouldn't leave but I would be making it damn clear that it was the first and LAST time he ever did that to me. Technically speaking I don't have any money to my name either - I don't work and DH is the sole breadwinner and the only 'income' I get is family assistance so if I ever found myself in that situation where leaving is a real possibility, then I would start making a contingency plan to cover myself for at least a week if I did have to leave quickly.

Perhaps even look into counselling. It might do him good to talk about it with someone because for all you know he could be just as scared of it happening again as you are and he may need to learn a few strategies to help cope with anger - not saying that he has an anger management problem, but sometimes in the heat of an argument you can feel like you just want to lash out - so that he can prevent himself from doing it kwim?

Good luck

[littlelara]

You know, if nothing else, this may provide a real oportunity for you to discuss just how vulnerable and disempowered you feel and what you would need to change in order to feel safe and like you are here by choice and not because you have nowhere to go.
No one wants to feel trapped.
I would advise on holding off on ttc for now; not just until you're feeling better about where you're at, but until you can feel better for at least a month or two, even three. You need to know that any changes that are made are going to last before you begin to think about bringing in a new life.
Good luck