Going through something at the moment where myself and DH and speak other family members are trying to put the past behind us ,having a fresh start and starting again. We have all agreed it has to be a fresh start and no one can bring up and past or be negative ..
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Do you believe you can forgive and forget ? Or just forgive and what ever happened and those feelings and memories will always be there ?
And if they are always there how do you move forward? Doesn't it always come back to bite you , always In your mind , wouldn't you then feel anger , resentment , negative emotions ..
I think some of it depends on what the "issue" was that you're trying to move on from. Some times things will be there that you can't move past, sometimes you can. Sometimes it depends on the individual and their history and things like that as to whether they can. While I might be able to put something behind me, you may not because of your own past kwim?
I had a falling out with a friend while I was pg with dd. it's was to the point we didn't talk for 18 months, pretended like we didn't know each other at the shops and all that stuff. Was easier than acknowledging anything. 18 months on we were back to working in the same place and I decided to suck it up and make contact. I was either going to be a case f having it out and then not speaking ever again, or moving forward. We are now closer than ever. So it can happen. But. Won't say it was easy. And we definitely do mention what happened in passing, so it's not something forgotten. But forgiven and moved forward, and not harbouring the resentment, yes.
It a tough one. There are things with DH and his family that I have not fully forgotten and definitely not forgiven, but I have chosen to move on.
There a times when I remember, times when it hurts, times when I can have a joke about some of what has happened.
For me, I have limited emotional energy these days, so I can really only use that energy for what is important now. So that past hurts get pushed out of my mind more often that not.
What does help is that there have been some improvements overall in DH's behaviors and finally some recognition that he has hurt me in the past. His family not so much, but they are not here every day. It also helps that I recognise MIL, for example, for what she is. Overall she probably means well, loves her grandkids, will always be there for them. I know her faults and can work around them (mostly). I know she is pig headed, so there is zero point trying to tell her what crappy things she has done.
I don't think you can fully forget, to me that would negate the growth experience. What has happened has shaped you, shaped your relationships. Sometimes it pays to remember why you are where you are. Not in a dragging down way, but in an acknowledgement way.
I can forgive but never forget.
The forgetting bit is more about, once bitten, twice shy sort of thing. I remember happenings, to help my emotional growth etc. (yep etc is used here because I cannot remember what else to put)
I do think that burying the past and never speaking of it again can cause more trouble than good really, but that doesnt mean it needs to be rehashed all the time, with highly charged emotions ruling it.
I think that situations need to be resolved, either between all parties involved, or if that isnt possible it needs to be resolved within your self. If it cant be resolved, how come? And if it cant be resolved properly then how can you move on? Most people need closure to move forward.
Ill add more later when my brain is working better.
What will hurt you more? Generally forgiving is better for you than not, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Forgetting? Depends. You can choose to forget and that can be beneficial - remember lesson learnt without remembering the class time, as it were. Forgetting that, for example, a person/people chose to abuse you and so putting yourself back in their hands... Well, that's plain daft in my eyes.
Reading that, it seems I do forgive. Whilst I don't actually say to the person 'hey I forgive you for your actions that hurt me", I do the other aspects of forgiveness. I think I was focused on forgiving being the verbalising, when really that is a small component.
I think it depends how genuine the apology is. If it's just "can we put it in the past and move on?" or if it's "I really messed up and I'm sorry beyond words and I don't ever want to do that again... can we put it in the past and move on?" it makes a big difference to me.
Asking me to forget something that you haven't acknowledged was a big balls up makes it hard to trust it wont happen again and I'll also have a wall up with that person. If they're really sorry then I can accept that because none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes so I could forgive then.
I can forgive a lot of things and usually do....forgetting is a whole other issue. Although its something that I never bring up again, its always in the back of my mind to protect myself.
I have tried to do this forgive and forget stuff for years, and hey, it has worked for ages, but now I find that I have a lot of deep issues that I have never really dealt with and its really hard to move on to the future without doing that!
I wish I could forget sometimes!
Sometimes, a place, smell, song or phrases take me back to those hurtful times and I just freeze and cry until the moment is over.
I think forgiveness is going through those moments and not bringing it up or throwing it in that persons face!
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Can you forgive and forget ?
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