Dealing with competitiveness

[Gigi]

i am sure this is even about competitiveness.

i read your post, and what hits me, is that you share something you've just achieved (e.g lost a certain amount of weight) and instead of the person you're telling this, being glad for you, or acknowledging the positiveness of what you've achieved, they are IMMED into comparisions. So YOU lost X? i lost X+2.

So instead of your listener being supportive, they go into comparisions.

that makes you feel not listened to, like your achievement was belittled.

i get that.

i noticed in my early mother's group, so many mums were like that, every topic turned into comparisions. Even if that was not the purpose of raising the topic. It made me feel like so many topics were off limits, cos i didn't want to start a comparision thing going, just cos i said one thing about OUR situation.

it really taught me to "pick my battles", and really be choosey about who i discussed many topics with. to find supportive people that wouldn't jump into comparisions, when i wanted to talk about my stuff. Not easy.

Leesa, I'm happy for you that you are losing your baby weight, be proud of your achievements. People who don't celebrate them with you, do not have your best interests at heart.

i had people (around me when bilby arrived) go ON AND ON about her birthweight, negatively, and it really peed me off too. i kept thinking "you've just arrived, we both nearly died and all these idiots can say is how massive you are, how can they be so insensitive, i've waited five years for you to be here, you are here, you're alive and i think you're beautiful, i don't care what you weigh. bubs are meant to have baby fat, it's fine". i told myself all this, to cope with all the sledging - well that's what it felt like at the time. Slights. As if she wasn't the "right" weight. (she came out at 42 weeks). The weight seems so arbitrary, who freaking cares what the bub weighs? i figured her being alive was the main thing. I couldn't work out why these same people couldn't just be happy for me, instead of coming out with such downers.

they did such a good job of brainwashing me, i went home thinking, she'll skip the 0000 clothing i had ready for her. Nope, we still needed them. argh!

[ladybird11]

You've also hit the nail on the head Gigi - and so well worded too hun! Thank you for sharing. And I totally understand you about bubs weight topic too. (At least Bilby still got to enjoy those 0000 sized clothes )!

What is even more odd is that I am still honestly happy for the other people and whatever their achievements are, I really do. But yeah, its just the cancelling out of my achievement that gets me. Where would I find the 'off' switch for those feelings?

[Cranky Kitten]

Comparisons and one-upmanship is a basic part of human nature I think. It's a facet of their self perception, the need to seem "better" than someone else to bolster their sense of self worth. Some competition can be healthy, it drives us to take that extra step, to improve and keep going. But so much competiveness comes from a place of negativity and is less about being competitive than dragging down our fellows.

I try to remind myself that while I don't have control over someone else's actions, I do have control over my reaction to them. I can choose whether to accept the minimisation and belittling of my achievement and let it get to me, or I can choose to see it for what it is and rise above it. I'll admit, it doesn't always work - but the majority of time I do manage to smile, congratulate them and carry on. The weird thing is that often this reaction confuses the heck out of them - they're just really not expecting it, expecting instead that I play the game.

FWIW, I think your weight loss is awesome and offer you my congratulations. And congratulations on the birth of your amazing baby too