Do you need/want a partner???

[Rouge]

I'd like to say that with regards to my post last night it was late... and I should have said man/woman or partner LOL!

[ladybirdflies]

For me I think it is about having a healthy sense of 'self' in or out of relationships. I was single for 4 years with my two girls and felt that I was really connecting with who I am and how I am in the world. I really felt the same way, why be in a relationship? I knew that if I was ever with someone again, I wanted to walk 'with love' with my new partner not to be head over heels 'in love' because even that term being 'in love' shows a picture of being in the other and not holding onto yourself. I was blessed to meet a man that had these same pictures that I had, and after I met him, I had to really work on finding the balance of him and us and me, and how that all worked so that we both felt that balance, and the children were beautifully held in the middle of that. I am so blessed to be in a relationship that is consciously working with a freedom to speak, and held with this love that is empowering, not needy or clingly or fearful. It is a daily working progress!

[C~Q]

I've been thinking about this a bit lately too. I am really content with my life and so happy with the things in it...and I want to share that. I think having someone (the right someone) there to experience things as you do can make the experience so much better. For example, yesterday I took my kids to this big winery, we had a BLAST, played football, frisbee, drank wine (well I did lol) and I left feeling so happy and content. Then I started to feel really sad and I couldn't figure it out till I realised that it was because I wanted someone there to share it with me. To put their arm around me and sit back with laughing about how cute the kdis were being...

So, no I don't need a partner to be happy but I think some things can be made a lot more fulfilling when you have an adult to share them with.

[Inanna]

Anney surprisingly not yet - no books this way!!!!

I don't even miss sex. Not because I don't like sex but sex for me is an extension of my feelings for the man (in my case) in my life. So I don't feel like sex I feel like sex with the man that rings my bells iykwim? I even feel different there. As some people just want sex - but sex for me has to have connection, emotion, ritual etc. Not just random physical bonking... (for me I'm not saying it's right or wromng - just explaining from my perspective *dodging books here*).

I understand cQ - when my FWEXH left when my first DD was a baby I felt very much like you the sadness - but now I just feel whatever is the feeling in that moment. I don't want a partner I guess that adds to my work load (it's massive enough with 4 little ones). I don't have the energy to give to another human being intimately either. I also am self sufficient. If I need a chat I call a friend or drop over or ask them over. I have men in my life that give me man hugs - as there is nothing quite like those big arms to squeeze you. But I don't want to give up what I have. I have independence, freedom, complete happiness. However there is a part of me that would like to show my kids what a truly functioning relationship can look like. That's a gift I think that few kids get an I'd like to be able to do that. However, as for going out looking for it - bah.... I couldn't be arsed. It would have to knock on my door with a clean bill of psychological health!

It's good to hear I'm not a complete wierdo!!!!

[Muffy]

I have been single for about 14 months now and i LOVE it.
Im the opposite - i cant imagine sharing my life with someone else, i just dont understand how they will fit in.
I love being responsible for everything, I hate depending on other people.
The only thing i miss is the company, I mean yeah sure ive got male/female friends who i can talk to etc but i miss the intimate part

[C~Q]

I know what you mean. I actually can't imagine having someone live with me, and trying to share control over my life...what I miss and want is dating (well I am dating...but a boyfriend) someone that I see when i'm free and someone to share nice times with. Not someone to come in and take over my life hells NO!!!!!

[Sopdet]

IMO You need to be able to reach the point of knowing you don't need a man and knowing that you can survive without one to actually be secure in any relationship with a man. Otherwise the chances of you becoming compromised increase IMO. No one needs a man. Ever. If you have one and you enjoy them Kudos to you, but if you need one you shouldn't be in a realtionship with one.

I know I don't need a partner & I can survive without one

There are certain things that I miss, yes I get bits of them from different friends (both male and female) but it would be nice to get a proportion of it from one person.

[Butterfly Child]

At this time in my life.. No defiantly not, i'm at a stage in my life where i'm wanting to find me, and explore the things that i love and achieve the things i want for myself..honestly i don't have the time nor the patience for a relationship! Sure i miss the intimacy, the little things of having someone 'there' that loves you, but i at the moment i am not in a great place to give myself to anyone but my daughter. I need to focus on me and my daughter and at the moment i'm fine with that. Yeah one day maybe..but im not holding my breath!

[tattoo_mama]

im with laura, i love being single. i make the decisions, nobody to answer to, its great! but i do miss having someone to cuddle and 'stuf' lol but i have found a good FWB ... but having said that i struggle to keep the balance between being FWB and dating. he is very non commital and that suits me fine cause then i dont sit there thinking 'why wont he date me'

[Lulu]

but having a partner shouldn't be about control - or giving up cups of tea in bed! Noooooooooooo oooooooo - perish the thought!

One of the things I miss about xp was the way he used to bring me endless cups of tea in bed and keep the kids out of my hair on a Sunday. *sigh

[Inanna]

You are absolutely correct Lulu! For me though my experience has been that it has been! I feel more "me" than I have for years. I love that I can do what I want without having to consider a partner & right now I prefer that to making room for someone else!!!

However, a healthy relationship is for me one that enhances my life - it's been a very very long time since I've had that in an intimate relationship with a man...

[luna moth]

IMO You need to be able to reach the point of knowing you don't need a man and knowing that you can survive without one to actually be secure in any relationship with a man. Otherwise the chances of you becoming compromised increase IMO. No one needs a man. Ever. If you have one and you enjoy them Kudos to you, but if you need one you shouldn't be in a realtionship with one.

:yeahthat: OMG. Cleverest thing anyone has ever said.

[misty]

Hhhhmmm........ Maybe I am bias because I am happily married and have been in the same relationship for the past 12yrs (since I was 16).

I KNOW I don't need a man. I know I can survive quite capably without one, I could be happy without one. BUT to me there is nothing better then having someone there through thick and thin to share your life with, grow old with and share memories and history with.

I wouldn't ever 'settle' for just anyone, for fear of having no-one. I would rather be by myself, then with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. BUT no matter how happy I was by myself I would 'want' a partner along side me to share that happiness. My partner IS my best friend, my confidant, the person who makes the good parts of life that much better and the bad parts bearable.

It is like being in a cafe and having a choice of cakes. There is the decidant fabulous chocolate mud cake. Delicious in its own right. This is my happy competent life. And then there is the freshly whipped cream added on top. Not much on its own, but when added to the cake, just makes it all that much better. This is my other half.

Do I 'need' a partner??? I can survive without one. I can be happy without one. But I cannot ever imagine not 'wanting' that someone special to share my life with. If, heaven forbid, something were ever to happen to my DH and I was left alone, I imagine that eventually I would want and be looking for another to share my life with. And I would hope that If something were to happen to me, that DH would find someone else who understands and appreciates the person that he is (albeit she would not be as fabulous as myself).

[widdly]

goooooood thread and something i have spent much time pondering lately too Ianna.

I agree with ROuges first post, it is EXACTLY what i believe.

With XH I used to be so dependant on him that I would panic without him and the thought of him ever dying would keep me awake at night casue i thought i couln't possible live without him. GOsh how scarily unhealthy that was!

I have been really seriously F'd around by XH for some time now so right atm I have no desire to be in another relationship for at least a couple of years. BUT, I really do so look forward to start dating again at some stage in the future when i am strong and successful in my own right. I look forward to experiencing those lusty feelings again. And cause I only got to have 1 of the 3 babies i wanted to have I feel like I hope to have those babies with a wonderful guy some day. But by the same token, the thought of lettinga man into my life again does kinda fill me with dread, but i think thats cause im right int he thick of a messy X situation right now.

atm i have a F buddy. We only call on each other every few weeks and a lot of the time i turn him down cause i have DS with me. But I do so enjoy having that closeness with a male now and again. It is a bit of fun and i know it will never go further than Fbuddies cause he is so NOT what i would look for in a partner and he feels the same way about me, so knowing that there is no feling there is great, no confusion. However, I dont know that i will continue with the F buddy for the reason that I feel i should be strong enough and secure enough to be able to be without male attention for a couple of years while i soul search and build myself up. So i am just hoping that he doesnt put him self up on offer to me on a night when im feeling 'weak'

We definately dont need men. The only thing I need men for is to give DS a male influence (my Dad does a brilliant job of that). Hey, i pay for my lawns and garden to be maintained each fortnight, and she is a woman I dont need a man for that!

Wihtout a man i do miss sex, but i wonder if really i miss the male attention and confidence boost. if that is the case i have plenty more growing to do before i can even entertain the thought of letting another man into my life.

I do sometimes imagine my future and when i do, I imagine buying my own house by myself with my own money, travelling the world with friends, I dont ever imagine being married again....

blah blah blah!! LOL Ianna you really got me thinking with this one!

[Bathsheba]

I don't think you are a "weirdo" at all Innana

My greatest role model, my paternal Grandmother (who features heavily in my blog LOL) lost her much loved husband when he was in his 50s to a heart attack. She never remarried and to my knowledge never was intimate with a man in her life from that point onward. But oh my she had a full life with lots of travel (around Australia and abroad) and lots of friends and a very full social life to the very end of her days. She lived to her late 80s and passed away essentially of age related conditions after surviving cancer. So that was about 30 years of Singledom. And she would have had to have been the most content, beautiful (inside and out) cheerful rock of stability I have ever known.

The other side of the coin is my own mother. Divorced my father when I was 12 (back in 1982) to live with an abusive alcoholic for 5 years, then after she left him had partner after partner few lasting beyond a year or two. She managed to make it clear to me that life was hard for a woman if you didn't have a man. I was sceptical. To make sure she was never man-less she would lower her standards until it became ridiculous. She fell prey to every lone rogue she crossed paths with... lost her dignity and more than a sizable amount of money! Now she is nearing 70 and she is finally alone.... she is not happy about it but her life has settled down and is not the soap opera that it used to be. She keeps herself busy and seems to have a very active social life. We don't get along very well but I do wish her well and hope that manages to see the glass half full side of things.

Me? I have thought about what i would do if anything happened between DH and I. Even before reading this thread I had decided that I would take my time before getting involved with another man maybe to the point of it never happening. Not because it isn't working with DH, but because I feel in tune with my Nana and also love my own company and feel no pressure to complete my life with "another half". I feel capable of being a complete entity in myself. I also don't miss physical intimacy when I'm not involved with a person... I have been single between boyfriends and dealt with celibacy very easily. And yes... if I ever did 'pair up' again it would have to be with a pretty amazing kind of person mental-health-wise. But who am I to ask for something that i myself can't offer? LOL Yep... neurotic and single... and that's ok by me

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Sadly, I think my answer is...yes. I need to be married. Not long after DH and I were married, a friend of ours was killed in a motorbike accident, leaving his 23 year old wife a widow. I nearly had a breakdown, I found it impossible to distance myself from the thought, 'What if that had been me?' And the longer I'm married, the more sure I become that I couldn't cope as the woman I am without my DH. I am so different now compared to what I was, because of his unquestioning support - where else would I get that? I have days where I literally can't leave the house due to my anxiety, but HE can get me out. I can do things I would've avoided because HE is with me.

The silliest thing is, I remember being okay on my own, even happy. Different, not at all confident in myself, but okay. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met him. But now, having been married and knowing the support - even apart from all the other things that come from a relationship - I don't think I could NOT be married. I know I'm scarily attached to Tim, and I am literally crying and shaking now, typing this out and thinking about what could happen if I didn't have him. He knows all this too, we've discussed it in the past. He once asked me if I would marry again and I told him that while I wouldn't actively be seeking anyone out, I feel like I'm the kind of person that NEEDS to be married. Whereas he is quite happy on his own.

I don't know, maybe if it actually happened and I was thrown into the situation I would cope better than I'm giving myself credit for. I just feel so safe, knowing that he's here. Not very emtionally developed I guess

[Bathsheba]

I don't think any less of you for admitting that Berenice People are different. My DH is also the kind of person to need others around. He would remarry, I'm almost certain and that's ok by me (as long as she is good to my children of course). I can see in my own children hints of this difference. My eldest and my youngest are like my DH: people people! My middle child is more like me: enjoys his own company, actively seeks it out. Co incidentally (or not) my middle child is VERY similar (in both looks and 'ways') to my Nana! So maybe there is a genetic predisposition to all of this!?

[krysalyss]

I am naturall a more solitary person. I like being single. I like the freedom and the independence. I am however married. I wasn't going to get married until I met DH. We are very happy together. But naturally I know what I am and if there wasn't a DH (i.e. my exact one), I would be more than happy to be by myself (probably in the jungle somewhere lol).