Hi all
I have been touched and awed by the level of compassion some of you have shown in posts that I have read; not just for those who are obviously deserving, but sometimes for those who are just as deserving but less obviously so and sometimes harder to find it for (if that makes sense?).
It makes me wonder, how did you get that way?
I want to feel compassion, particularly when I don't automatically feel it, or when it's not my automatic response.
I want to develop that side of myself, I just don't know how to go about it.
Any thoughts?
I have a knack of finding really good threads just before heading off to bed
Just briefly and just speaking for myself:
I was a pretty self centered as a kid. I wasn't that good at thinking of anyones else's problems except my own. The few times I felt that a bit of compassion was deserving it seemed that everyone around me thought I was being silly. Especially my parents. Then around age 7 this discordance became more noticable. It all started with the lady that lived next door, Betty. It was 1977 and in our country town there was a very strong mainstream Anglo way of life. There wasn't much diversity... and all the women shaved their arm-pits... except the lady next door. Well that made her the brunt of all scorn and jokes As a child I could see how cruel this was. The shame I felt as my mother and her best friend (a woman that lived on the other side of Betty) gleefully cut out deodorant ads from the catalogues and hand posted them into Betty's letter box made me feel ill. From that point on I kinda became sensitized to my mother's meanness and lack of compassion... like you do if you have an allergy. After a while it seemed that the only thing my mother ever said about anybody was words of criticism and contempt. Eventually I started to stick up for people. It annoyed the hell out of her! It still does.
That's the nutshell version... I'll come back and add more later... it's nearly midnight... about to turn into a pumpkin! Great thread
I have spent may years in a self-imposed internal anxious rant about all the things I should be doing. Work harder, concentrate, eat better, be neater, be better with my budget, contact friends more... on and on and on...
But recently I've managed to simplify. I've decided that if I achieve nothing else for the rest of my life, that I'll be happy if I've lived mindfully and with compassion. I try to notice the internal rant every day ('should this, should that') and just replace it with the words 'mindfulness' and 'compassion' and try to act accordingly. I now notice (sometimes) the states of mind arising that are the antitheses of these things - a cluttered, anxious mind means that I am not in the present moment. A hard, selfish or judgemental thought means that I am not being compassionate. I try to catch myself doing these things and turn them around. Or actively try to then do something very consciously, or with kindness.
Sorry it's late, and I fear I haven't expressed myself very well but I hope you get my meaning. Just by noticing that you'd like to build on your compassion, you're well on your way!
With empathy. If you can put yourself in another person's shoes that's a start.
And then remember, you never know everything that is going on in someone else's life or what experiences they have had.
I grew up with a stepmother who didn't give me what I needed emotionally, and I had a couple of years of being picked on at school, only a couple but it was enough.
As a mother now, I find myself asking how do I develop this in my children (without subjecting them to the emotional baggage that I carry) ?
The other day I gave 14yoDD Dave Pelzer's 'The Lost Boy' - she read the first chapter & then said 'Mum what do we do for these kids?' so that's a good start I guess.
ETA - As an example of not knowing what someone else has been through - I always felt kind of weird about the fact that my mother didn't even try to BF my sister. I mean I FFed 2 of my children, but I couldn't work out why she didn't even try. Then one day she told me about what it was like when she tried to BF me, she was 23, living in the bush, on her own, Dad was away working all day, no family or friends nearby. She was sent home form hospital with her first child & told "she'll feed when she's hungry". There was no support, just a crying baby who refused to latch...after my own struggles I really felt what it must have been like for her & was very nearly in tears. End of judgement - I fully understood her refusal to try again.
Last edited by Fleur; September 25th, 2009 at 09:55 AM.
So what you're saying is that it basically takes practice until it becomes your natural state?
I've only recently realised I have never had it for myself or known how to trust or receive it when it was offered from others, so I'm having to reset that programming too, but it's not easy.
Baby steps and being mindful all round, I guess.
I just wish it came more naturally. I want to be kind without first thinking what the kind thing to do would be, you know?
growing the compassionate bone
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As a child I could see how cruel this was. The shame I felt as my mother and her best friend (a woman that lived on the other side of Betty) gleefully cut out deodorant ads from the catalogues and hand posted them into Betty's letter box made me feel ill. From that point on I kinda became sensitized to my mother's meanness and lack of compassion... like you do if you have an allergy. After a while it seemed that the only thing my mother ever said about anybody was words of criticism and contempt. Eventually I started to stick up for people. It annoyed the hell out of her! It still does. 
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