growing the compassionate bone

[Santosha]

I have spent may years in a self-imposed internal anxious rant about all the things I should be doing. Work harder, concentrate, eat better, be neater, be better with my budget, contact friends more... on and on and on...

But recently I've managed to simplify. I've decided that if I achieve nothing else for the rest of my life, that I'll be happy if I've lived mindfully and with compassion. I try to notice the internal rant every day ('should this, should that') and just replace it with the words 'mindfulness' and 'compassion' and try to act accordingly. I now notice (sometimes) the states of mind arising that are the antitheses of these things - a cluttered, anxious mind means that I am not in the present moment. A hard, selfish or judgemental thought means that I am not being compassionate. I try to catch myself doing these things and turn them around. Or actively try to then do something very consciously, or with kindness.

Sorry it's late, and I fear I haven't expressed myself very well but I hope you get my meaning. Just by noticing that you'd like to build on your compassion, you're well on your way!

Great thread.

[Lulu]

Via service to your community. Seen Secret Millionaire?, thats a good one.

[Fleur]

With empathy. If you can put yourself in another person's shoes that's a start.
And then remember, you never know everything that is going on in someone else's life or what experiences they have had.

I grew up with a stepmother who didn't give me what I needed emotionally, and I had a couple of years of being picked on at school, only a couple but it was enough.

As a mother now, I find myself asking how do I develop this in my children (without subjecting them to the emotional baggage that I carry) ?
The other day I gave 14yoDD Dave Pelzer's 'The Lost Boy' - she read the first chapter & then said 'Mum what do we do for these kids?' so that's a good start I guess.

ETA - As an example of not knowing what someone else has been through - I always felt kind of weird about the fact that my mother didn't even try to BF my sister. I mean I FFed 2 of my children, but I couldn't work out why she didn't even try. Then one day she told me about what it was like when she tried to BF me, she was 23, living in the bush, on her own, Dad was away working all day, no family or friends nearby. She was sent home form hospital with her first child & told "she'll feed when she's hungry". There was no support, just a crying baby who refused to latch...after my own struggles I really felt what it must have been like for her & was very nearly in tears. End of judgement - I fully understood her refusal to try again.

[littlelara]

So what you're saying is that it basically takes practice until it becomes your natural state?
I've only recently realised I have never had it for myself or known how to trust or receive it when it was offered from others, so I'm having to reset that programming too, but it's not easy.
Baby steps and being mindful all round, I guess.
I just wish it came more naturally. I want to be kind without first thinking what the kind thing to do would be, you know?

[littlelara]

In the mean time, you guys feel free to pull me up, ok?

[Bathsheba]

I'd say that for me it took time to grow... I wasn't born naturally compassionate.... but maybe I did start young Having children really enhanced my sense of compassion too. After the trauma of giving birth it dawned on me that EVERYONE has been a small vulnerable baby at one stage of their lives... even the "bad" people started off helpless.... and over time they have become damaged people. Other "bad" people have a brain chemistry that makes them come to very wrong conclusions and some people were raised so poorly that history is bound to repeat itself when they have children unless they are conscious not to. Everyone has a story. The more I learn about child development the more I realise how things can go terribly wrong. It's amazing that so many get through life given what they have had to endure. It's like my signature quote says: "everyone is fighting some kind of battle". When you walk through the shopping centre and encounter rude and oblivious people it might seem that they fully intended to behave that way but I bet that mostly they don't. The lady that frowned at your baby crying might be suffering from dementia... the checkout chick who ignored your pleasant greeting might be distracted worrying about how she can escape an abusive relationship.

I know many people who would roll their eyes at me saying that kind of thing... but at the end of the day I would rather live in a world where everyone gave the benefit of the doubt and therefore compassion than a cynical world where everyone suspects everyone is out to get them.

I would also rather be accused of giving somebody the benefit of the doubt when they infact don't deserve it than make an accusation and have to told of a tragic reason behind the poor behaviour. I know which situation I would find more humilating and that would be the one where I lacked compassion.

There's not alot to lose by being compassionate And you'll probably find that if you establish a reputation for being compassionate then you too will be on the recieiving end of "the benefit of the doubt" and compassion when the roles are reversed. Some people will always be prone to criticise the deeply compassionate, labelling them bleeding hearts etc... but in my expereince that's more a poor reflection on their state of affairs than yours... and I actually feel sorry for them too.

Well done Lara it starts with a bit of awareness... it will grow

[Lulu]

Although you don't have to have the crap kicked out of you to gain empathy (but it seems to help), having the desire to understand someone else or a situation different from your own goes a very very long way.

We can all have an immediate reaction which turns out to be the wrong one, but stopping and thinking about it a bit more before you act/say will help alot too.

I still think putting yourself into service is A1.

You don't come across as unkind or thoughtless - is there something in particular that you want to change?

[~Kim~]

I agree with everyone else and what they've said, but I also am conscious of how I am going to say or do something and how that will impact another person....kind of naive I guess, but I try to live by the line in Bath's signature.
I have 2 'trades' and in both of those you become acutley aware of your impact on others. I guess for me it was always there (compassion) but it's been honed somewhat.
I also think tact has a lot to do with it do. You don't have to have compassion for everyone everywhere, but it can be conveyed without heartless thought IYKWIM, just by using a bit of tact.

[Roryrory]

I just wish it came more naturally. I want to be kind without first thinking what the kind thing to do would be, you know?

Lara hun fake it til you make it!

I got to the age of 27 before I realised that just like I am inside my head looking out, other people are inside their head looking out at me