This is a very interesting topic. Having grace in difficult times is easier when you're prepared. It's the "I wasn't expecting that comment" scenario that floors me. And being tired, hungry etc means my defences are down and makes things harder to deal with.
However, if I'm better prepared and grounded, one of the best techniques I've found is a visual application of a gestalt therapy tool. Say you have a disagreement with someone. You sit in one chair, with an empty chair in front of you. You say your side of things, then get up and sit in the other chair and BE the other person and say their side of things. In therapy, the therapist asks questions to get answers from both perspectives. I've used it to understand things like why a guy dumped me etc - I was able to see me from his perspective. I've since tried doing it just by myself when I'm trying to understand where someone else is coming from.
The visual side of this, is when you're talking with someone you disagree with, is to visualise you are standing where they are, looking back at you. What do they (you) see, how does that make them feel (you), why are they (you) reacting the way they are? I did this with my Dad. I've always felt that he is controlling and manipulative and it drives me insane. We've had huge arguments about things. We may never get along, but doing this once, I felt that I(he) wasn't trying to control me, I(he) was just feeling insecure and wanted to get closer to me but didn't know how, so was trying to force my hand. Does that make sense? It's not a cure-all, but it helped me back down from my position a little. It's not as effective as physically changing chairs, but it helps.
I suppose it's a form of practising compassion. I just wish the other person would do the same
The other thing I've found in arguments, is they often escalate because no-one wants to look like thy're backing down and losing their position. This is where the "agree to disagree" is useful to defuse things. It says I'm not willing to fight with you about this. I'm letting it go.
I try to have compassion for her, but she says things that I just find hard to find any compassion for.
Here's an example of what happened the last time she was here; bit of background first.
MIL's sister A had a baby at 19 that she gave up for adoption. Her strict, religious family sent her away to have the baby to avoid the disgrace. A stayed away after baby and very quickly ie 6 months after birth got married to a man the family didn't know on the quiet.
Now we were talking and I was told that A might lose her job soon, as her contract was not up for renewal. I said "oh that's terrible, are you worried about A?" MIL says "no, A has had plenty of opportunities over the years to save money" with a sour tone as if A had made her bed, she can lie in it sort of way. I said, "that's a bit cold, isn't it?" which I probably shouldn't, but it just sounded so danm cold the way she said it! MIL starts with "Well, I'd never see her out on the street, but you know, she really upset the family with all that baby stuff and getting married...blah blah" and goes into some more of the background that does not, let me tell you, show MIL in a good light!!
Remeber that all of this happened 40 years ago!! And A is still the naughty girl who got pregnant!
I think she shouldn't have been gossiping about A, she didn't pick up on any of my verbal or body cues that the subject was making me annoyed and I would prefer that she drop it.
In a way I think if you take one step further back you could even pity her for being so wrapped up in the past that it has clearly poisoned her. I doubt it's something you could ever say to her, but it might make it easier in your own mind ITMS.
I agree with Bath and Pixie. I think in that situation, while her reactions are hard to fathom, you just have to feel sorry for her that she is so wrapped up in the past and so lacking in compassion for her sister that her life would surely have been the sourer for it.
DP's family has lots of stuff going on at the moment and TBH I just end up feeling sorry for the lot of them. Sorry for the BIL and the SIL who can't stop *****ing about the other brother because it really is affecting their lives because they can't let it go - and sorry for the other brother that he can't swallow his pride and apologise for his bad behaviour.
In some ways, feeling sorry for people is kind of a superior attitude - "oh you poor things, if only you could handle things as well as I am because I have more going on in my life than worrying about who did/said what" - but on the other it WORKS.
I think that perhaps you could delve into her emotions a bit more but in a very, very calm and detached way. That could lead to a better understanding of her. On the other hand, you could just find an internal way of not being bothered. There's no right or wrong answer.
Winter, I just wanted to explain a bit more about what I meant particularly as I know you've read my other thread about dealing with DP's ex-wife.
I guess my first response (after being angry with her) was to try to understand her. I put out the olive branch and gave her lots of opportunities to offer some explanation for her actions.
That didn't work.
So I guess I've now come to the conclusion that she has lost her daughter and she is totally unwilling to acknowledge that she has made mistakes. In my book, that makes her a pretty unevolved person and I think her life is worse for it. It takes a strong and courageous person to recognise that they've made mistakes but ultimately it makes them and their relationships happier.
So after trying to understand her, now I feel sorry for her and I no longer want to 'fix' her. I've tried every which way and nothing works so now I just feel sorry for her because that is better for me than feeling angry with her.
Yes - sometimes dealing with people is just like banging your head up against the wall. It doesn't matter how compassionate or composed you are, it's not going to stop them whinging about something or everything. I think some people just love misery. In which case, I try not to engage with them. You could turn it into a reward system - I ignore you when you're whinging or saying negative things. When you say positive things, I engage with you (though you don't say this of course ). I used to always disagree with my brothers first wife - we could see eye-to-eye on nothing and it did my head in. In the end, I just talked about the weather or innocuous stuff like that and disengaged everytime it got into something I had issues with. If someone wants to behave like a victim, it doesn't mean I have to behave like an abuser. That's their life path to walk down and i wish them luck with it. Put it down to a cultural differences and let it go, if you can.
What's that saying Dr Phil has? "And how does that work for you?" classic
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