Hit by the ugly stick

[Cassius2]

MD xx

when i found out that i had endometriosis and was 'broken' and couldnt have kids (look at me now lol!) i suddenly lost alot of faith in the body i had been born and grown with. suddenly it was like looking at my body through a whole new lens. from the outside i looked the same, but in my mind all i could see was the endometriosis growths and scars ITMS. i went though a major crisis of 'womanhood' and rejected any notion that i was attractive/sexy/desirable. i know that DH was dumbfounded by my change and TBH i didnt handle it well. i was young and didnt really have a long relationship with my 'woman-self' so it was a longer road to healing myself of these accusations.

i dont really have any real practical advice (other than a pretty haircut and loads of gift vouchers to ella bache for facials etc and manicures and pedicures certainly CANNOT harm this process of healing ). trying not to sound too trite, but it is a personal journey that needs alot of navel gazing about what your body means to YOU. and how she is still your most precious, beautiful life partner; no matter the bumps and grazes that come with that journey.

[STARRYSKY]

MD- I think all the PP's have given you some wonderful advice and Im sure that alot of it rings true, well for me anyway.
One thing that I still consciously do as a boost on a bad day is to "try" not to focus on the things I dont like in the mirror, I try to mentally blur it out and look at what I do like, eg, everyone has always told me how pretty my eyes are etc, maybe I will put some mascara on today...does that make sense?
You mentioned before about how feeling ugly seems a bit "trite" but really we all to some degree place our outer looks in a high distinction and in our minds if we dont feel pretty how is anyone else going to think we are pretty? ITMS?? I dont think im explaining very well..
I just mean that it is important to you so therefore its important.
And just to let you know, Having never met you in "real life" your inner beauty shines through in your posts lovely lady! xx

[Mak]

MD - you have had a rollercoaster ride recently. It makes complete sense that you would be questioning your body and how it looks/behaves. I also think that you get put on a massive schedule of doctors/appointments/treatments and once they are all finished you really end up having time to digest and process the journey that you have been on. This is often the hardest time as you really don't have active tasks to complete to confront/attack the issues you have been dealing with. Have you tried a counsellor for yourself - someone you can discuss things with without fear of having to protect them from your thoughts, someone just for you who can listen and be completely focussed on you. A good friend has recently been through a similiar experience and found this invaluable. Take care and give yourself time.... xx

[Mak]

On a lighter note - is there anything you have always wanted to do and never bothered (in a busy mum kinda way) like have a tattoo, manicure, massage? Perhaps organise something like that? Or some reiki? Anything that will recharge your batteries and make you feel good. Booking some time for a walk even - just to get the happy hormones flowing a bit.

[Neptune]

Marydean, I am really sorry you are having to go through this. I think all of the PPers have given you some good support and advice.

I just wanted to add a couple of things - not sure how helpful, but I hope a little bit - I know you didn't post this on a BC forum, but I work "in the biz" and I hope you don't mind me drawing your thoughts to BC survival and survivorship. I am sure you have heard these terms before in your BC experience, but your words and what you are going through struck a chord with me. Because so many more women than ever before survive BC (b/c of earlier detection and better treatments) this means that there are millions of women now surviving post BC, and many of them feel that they are not sure what to do next, how to live their lives, and how to adjust, especially when the common expectation is that you will just get back to normal and pick up where you left off so to speak. As you probably know, this rarely happens, and women are often left feeling inadequate to cope with their altered image and even sometimes an altered persona. This new phenomenon is also producing much research into how to offer assistance for women in this phase.

Sorry to ramble, but I guess I wanted to let you know that I think how you are feeling is completely normal and understandable, and may be part of the adjustment and reality check of your new life after BC. Your treating hospital perhaps had a breast care nurse who could put you in touch with psychology if you wanted to do that? Believe me, it is a very common state of mind. I know you will be fine and you will get through this phase, but it may take a little bit of time. As others have aid, be kind to yourself and get yourself pampered, it can only help! You deserve it.

to you

[AnyDream]

First of all I want to thank absolutely everyone who has replied. I have read and re-read everything you've written, and I feel the care that you've each put into your words. Thank you .

Sloane, I like your point about doing something nice for yourself - not because it's about improving your appearance but to remind yourself you are worth it. That's not superficial at all.

Thepix - my library's copy is mysteriously unavailable but I know I can get a copy at the cancer care centre...will look for it when I'm next over there.

Kazbah - sorry but your post made me burst out laughing...I'm sooooo far from supermodel-aspiringness that it was just hilarious. I don't think this is what you meant sorry but it gave me a good laugh though.

Junglemum - Agree, time is the great physician

Trill - good on for being brave and calling this what everyone else has politely stepped around: self-loathing. I think you might be right about the sudden disconnect I had - it's like there's an inner reality and an external reality and they've both been mucked about & now they don't match so I have to wait awhile until they catch up to each other. You're spot on about it being a grief process. xxx

Cass - my soul sista - your words really touched me:

it is a personal journey that needs alot of navel gazing about what your body means to YOU. and how she is still your most precious, beautiful life partner; no matter the bumps and grazes that come with that journey.

I like your advice about loads of beauty treats too

Starrysky - thank you for admitting that you identify with some of what I have written, and validating that it is something important. I guess for me it's less about looks and more a reflection of being out of balance in a profound way, which is why I landed in the emotional devt forum & not the beauty etc one.

Mak - thanks for reminding me about recharging my batteries. I have been so focussed on trying to get up to the "normal" standard (whatever the hiker that means) that I've forgotten how depleted I really am.

Neptune - I value your input & appreciate the reframe of "adjustment and reality check". It's funny, I thought I had done a lot of the emotional processing before my mast (I was in the unusual situation of having 7 months to anticipate the surgery) and even immed afterwards I was calm - so the depth of feeling now has surprised me.

So, after all that, I'm not sure that I've found any answers - time perhaps and some self-pampering might not go astray, some affirmations and positive self talk too. Another day in the life of my mental health...

[thepixie]

MD I didn't have much time when I posted last, but I was going to say that when I looked at the title of thread I thought it was going to be about what a horrible expression 'hit with the ugly stick' is and how unpleasant to hear someone say it about someone else... I never imagined you would be thinking it about yourself
MD you have so much strength and wisdom. You have carried yourself through this rollercoaster with such dignity and grace. But don't forget that the journey isn't over. Chemo and surgery are an assault on the body and on the psyche too. You made yourself strong to withstand it, but the aftermath is part of the process too. Just don't forget to be kind to yourself, to nurture and take care of yourself as you did before. Your body and soul are still in need of gentle treatment.