First of all I want to thank absolutely everyone who has replied. I have read and re-read everything you've written, and I feel the care that you've each put into your words. Thank you .

Sloane, I like your point about doing something nice for yourself - not because it's about improving your appearance but to remind yourself you are worth it. That's not superficial at all.

Thepix - my library's copy is mysteriously unavailable but I know I can get a copy at the cancer care centre...will look for it when I'm next over there.

Kazbah - sorry but your post made me burst out laughing...I'm sooooo far from supermodel-aspiringness that it was just hilarious. I don't think this is what you meant sorry but it gave me a good laugh though.

Junglemum - Agree, time is the great physician

Trill - good on for being brave and calling this what everyone else has politely stepped around: self-loathing. I think you might be right about the sudden disconnect I had - it's like there's an inner reality and an external reality and they've both been mucked about & now they don't match so I have to wait awhile until they catch up to each other. You're spot on about it being a grief process. xxx

Cass - my soul sista - your words really touched me:
it is a personal journey that needs alot of navel gazing about what your body means to YOU. and how she is still your most precious, beautiful life partner; no matter the bumps and grazes that come with that journey.
I like your advice about loads of beauty treats too

Starrysky - thank you for admitting that you identify with some of what I have written, and validating that it is something important. I guess for me it's less about looks and more a reflection of being out of balance in a profound way, which is why I landed in the emotional devt forum & not the beauty etc one.

Mak - thanks for reminding me about recharging my batteries. I have been so focussed on trying to get up to the "normal" standard (whatever the hiker that means) that I've forgotten how depleted I really am.

Neptune - I value your input & appreciate the reframe of "adjustment and reality check". It's funny, I thought I had done a lot of the emotional processing before my mast (I was in the unusual situation of having 7 months to anticipate the surgery) and even immed afterwards I was calm - so the depth of feeling now has surprised me.

So, after all that, I'm not sure that I've found any answers - time perhaps and some self-pampering might not go astray, some affirmations and positive self talk too. Another day in the life of my mental health...