I have realised of late that I find it very difficult to be *in the moment*. I tune out, switch off, go into a daze, withdraw, etc. I don't communicate well in any of my relationships and I find it hard to be 'present', if that makes sense?

It's not until I noticed my 2.5 year old DS doing some of the same when he's not coping with a situation that I really recognised this problem. I was blind to it until very recently.

So, now that I see it, I want to stop doing it. I want to learn to be present and not off in la-la land.

Since the light flipped on, I've realised that as a result of this behaviour I have very few relationships, and the ones I do have, suffer. This is despite the fact that I enjoy people and would like to have good relationships and close friendships. I also find it hard to play with DS and stay engaged in activities with him. Right now, the effect of my withdrawn behaviour on DS's emotional & social development, as well as the quality of our relationship are my two main concerns and what I most want to fix by addressing this problem of mine.

Bit of background - I felt like I was a great mum to him until I started getting really tired and frustrated with breastfeeding when he was about 1.5-2 years (I think I was also a bit depressed). I started putting distance between us with daycare & babysitters to help with weaning, then I returned to work, then I had another baby (all in the space of about 6-8 months) and suddenly I've woken up feeling heart-broken that I pushed my beautiful little baby away, and in that time he has become a little boy. A little boy who has learned to live without attentiveness from mummy. I guess maybe he would have gone through some of this growing up and becoming more independent process anyway, but I feel like I have distanced him emotionally, and as a result, he's gotten used to that and doesn't seek me out.

Anyway, I wanted to start this thread to kinda track progress and keep me accountable.

I'm going to:
*do at least one activity every day, just me and him, WITHOUT letting my mind wander off
* take him to the park at least once a week and play with him on the equipment
* take him to a playgroup and get involved with the other kids to model some social skills (instead of tuning out and being uninvolved like I often do in social situations).
* do something silly at least once a day that makes him laugh
* take him to swimming lessons & get in the water with him (not on the sidelines watching)
* cut down my work hours
* limit TV & computer use

SO, TODAY I QUIT BEING A PARENT FROM THE SIDELINES & made a huge effort to play with him, and be engaged. At the end of the day he instigated book reading and we sat together for half an hour talking about the book and his toys. He hasn't done that for ages, it was lovely.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.