violence and cheating is a part of every marriage

[widdly]

Spent the arvo with my very close friend and her DS today. The boys had an awesome time playing as usual, but we had an interesting, disturbing, chat.

My marriage has recently ended so I am on a very girl-power journey, all about being strong and not settling and making myself as happy as possible.

My friend is living seperately from her partner, the father of her DS. They have had a very on-off relationship over the years. They have both cheated on each other at different times, they have been violent toward each other, he should be in jail (a whole nother thread) Their relationship has been terrific for the past week or so. She has been staying at his house for over a week now and they have been in a honeymoon period again. I told her I am happy that she is feeling happy right now and I hope it lasts and they build on it and save their relationship, but I also reminded her of the past honeymoon periods she has had with him and I had with XH.

Well she went on to talk about how its ridiculous of her to think about leaving her partner because he understands her and puts up with her crap and they laugh together and care about each other. She will probably never finda nother man who will be better than her current partner who will also put up with her crap.

I explained that my XH and I still very much love and care for each other but we dont make each other truly happy anymore, I dont want to settle for him just in case I dont end up finding any one else who I love just as much as him.

She went on to say that she would love to have another bub with her partner but she never wants to live with him again.

I explained that I thought it would be selfish to bring another child into an already broken home.

She thinks her son is ok so another baby would cope too.

I dont think bringing children into an uncertain family life is a good thing to do and children whouldnt be brought into the world to just cope, yanno?

She goes on to tell me that there has been quite a bit of violence from him. She had an infected, fractured elbow last year, she told me she stumbled (not uncommon she has mild cerebal palsy, so is unsteady on her feet). Well today she confesses that her partner actually shoved her really hard to the ground and similar other things regularly happen and she thinks its ok. SHe actually said to me "show me any couple who have been married for 55 years and I bet there will be a history of violence/cheating and they have just pushed through it and eventually gotten over it"

I cant believe people can just settle like that, be treated like that, just in case they cant find some one else down the track. She actually thinks I should have stayed with XH cause he never cheated on me or hit me!!!!!

Do people really think that all relationships end up having violence/betrayal/adultery in them??

God, please someone come in here and let me know that my morals and values are not out of the ordinary and too strict or too black and white?!!

[Fuzzywuzzy]

Wow, she must have extremely low self confidence to have fooled herself into believing that. I'm not sure what else to say, I feel very sorry for her

[widdly]

yeah i feel very sorry for her too, especially cause she sees herself as very educated, she is a trained youth worker and wants be a social worker, you would think she'd know better.

Thank goodness Im not the only one who can see this, PHEW

[Rouge]

Violence and Cheating should not be a part of every marriage, whether it's the norm (and goodness I hope not!) or not.

No cheating or violence here, and neither of us would accept that in our relationship. I think your friend sounds very defensive and embarrassed. I would say she really needs some support, but at the same time she needs to want it too. I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be so confusing and you must feel so helpless.

[kirsty_lee]

Wow, sounds like she's just making excuses. My IL's have been married 34 years and never laid a hand on each other or cheated on each other. Same with my parents married 24 years. I agree with Rouge, she does sound embarras and almost like she's trying to justify the behaviour. I hope she is able to open her eyes and see the realtionship for how it really is and get out.

[widdly]

thanks for your take on the situation guys

83, you are right, it is impossible to help those who dont want to be helped.

She made a comment about her son yesterday that he will be a cop, and I remarked "or the one the cops are after". Oh dear, very mean of me, this is why i am stepping back cause I dont have any thing nice to say anymore so i need to say nothing at all. I hope her son does turn into a great citizen but I just cant see how with his father beating up on his mum, having fist fights at his work and growing, supplying and constantly smoking pot. And his mum acting like its all a 'normal' okay part of life .

Anyway, over and out, this thread is just depressing, goodluck to them, time for her to start using someone else.

[Taurean]

Violence and Cheating should not be a part of every marriage, whether it's the norm (and goodness I hope not!) or not.

No cheating or violence here, and neither of us would accept that in our relationship. I think your friend sounds very defensive and embarrassed. I would say she really needs some support, but at the same time she needs to want it too. I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be so confusing and you must feel so helpless.

:yeahthat:

Neither of us would accept that in our marriage or within our extended family!!! We both come from loving, supportive families, me especially. I feel awfully sorry for your friend that she believes that is the norm. It's not.

[Inanna]

Neenee I totally agree with all you say. A great post.

I actually believe that many forms of abuse are "normal" in many relationships. I see in friends relationships behaviors that I would term abusive/manipulative/unhealthy - yet to them "it's just the way they are"... Think about how that is modelled to children and they absorb that & so on and so forth...

The incidences of infidelity are about 60% of marriages - that is massive. There is always the party that does not know... I remember working with a man that was having an affair with a co worker for years his wife was very happily married and unaware...

I think infidelity and abusive behaviors are very very common - more so than we give credit for. An infidel will not openly say oh yeah I get that. They will argue very passionately that it's not okay behavior etc etc etc. Of course there are those that are completely faithful. Those that work on their behavior and aim to not use abuse. However we ALL have the tools to be abusers and infidels! We see it in every day life. It's using the tools to not be abusers that's the trick I think...

[LimeSlice]

Well all I can say is I feel sorry for her, sorry for the model she is showing her son and sorry for any youth she works with that she tells is ok to be in a violent relationship.

[Roryrory]

it's certainly not a part of my marriage. Admittedly its only been just under 16 years, but I think my DH would have to develop a brain tumour before he changed from the wonderful man he is into a violent cheater...

[slyder]

Agree with all above.

You can't protect some people from themselves. Some behave in a way that fosters such horrible values, and many thrive on the drama and therefore don't seek to improve. Sad but true.

[Mak]

Those 2 things are definite deal breakers for me - not defending her but it can be hard to break out of that cycle once you are there, especially if you have models of similiar things. Maybe she was talking to you bc she was not so sure???? That is really tricky - Good on you for taking such a brave and strong step forward too Widdly! I look forward to hearing of your adventures! xxx