violence and cheating is a part of every marriage

[widdly]

yeah i feel very sorry for her too, especially cause she sees herself as very educated, she is a trained youth worker and wants be a social worker, you would think she'd know better.

Thank goodness Im not the only one who can see this, PHEW

[Rouge]

Violence and Cheating should not be a part of every marriage, whether it's the norm (and goodness I hope not!) or not.

No cheating or violence here, and neither of us would accept that in our relationship. I think your friend sounds very defensive and embarrassed. I would say she really needs some support, but at the same time she needs to want it too. I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be so confusing and you must feel so helpless.

[kirsty_lee]

Wow, sounds like she's just making excuses. My IL's have been married 34 years and never laid a hand on each other or cheated on each other. Same with my parents married 24 years. I agree with Rouge, she does sound embarras and almost like she's trying to justify the behaviour. I hope she is able to open her eyes and see the realtionship for how it really is and get out.

[widdly]

thanks for your take on the situation guys

83, you are right, it is impossible to help those who dont want to be helped.

She made a comment about her son yesterday that he will be a cop, and I remarked "or the one the cops are after". Oh dear, very mean of me, this is why i am stepping back cause I dont have any thing nice to say anymore so i need to say nothing at all. I hope her son does turn into a great citizen but I just cant see how with his father beating up on his mum, having fist fights at his work and growing, supplying and constantly smoking pot. And his mum acting like its all a 'normal' okay part of life .

Anyway, over and out, this thread is just depressing, goodluck to them, time for her to start using someone else.

[Taurean]

Violence and Cheating should not be a part of every marriage, whether it's the norm (and goodness I hope not!) or not.

No cheating or violence here, and neither of us would accept that in our relationship. I think your friend sounds very defensive and embarrassed. I would say she really needs some support, but at the same time she needs to want it too. I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be so confusing and you must feel so helpless.

:yeahthat:

Neither of us would accept that in our marriage or within our extended family!!! We both come from loving, supportive families, me especially. I feel awfully sorry for your friend that she believes that is the norm. It's not.

[Inanna]

Neenee I totally agree with all you say. A great post.

I actually believe that many forms of abuse are "normal" in many relationships. I see in friends relationships behaviors that I would term abusive/manipulative/unhealthy - yet to them "it's just the way they are"... Think about how that is modelled to children and they absorb that & so on and so forth...

The incidences of infidelity are about 60% of marriages - that is massive. There is always the party that does not know... I remember working with a man that was having an affair with a co worker for years his wife was very happily married and unaware...

I think infidelity and abusive behaviors are very very common - more so than we give credit for. An infidel will not openly say oh yeah I get that. They will argue very passionately that it's not okay behavior etc etc etc. Of course there are those that are completely faithful. Those that work on their behavior and aim to not use abuse. However we ALL have the tools to be abusers and infidels! We see it in every day life. It's using the tools to not be abusers that's the trick I think...

[LimeSlice]

Well all I can say is I feel sorry for her, sorry for the model she is showing her son and sorry for any youth she works with that she tells is ok to be in a violent relationship.

[Roryrory]

it's certainly not a part of my marriage. Admittedly its only been just under 16 years, but I think my DH would have to develop a brain tumour before he changed from the wonderful man he is into a violent cheater...

[slyder]

Agree with all above.

You can't protect some people from themselves. Some behave in a way that fosters such horrible values, and many thrive on the drama and therefore don't seek to improve. Sad but true.

[Mak]

Those 2 things are definite deal breakers for me - not defending her but it can be hard to break out of that cycle once you are there, especially if you have models of similiar things. Maybe she was talking to you bc she was not so sure???? That is really tricky - Good on you for taking such a brave and strong step forward too Widdly! I look forward to hearing of your adventures! xxx

[Nai]

Absolutely not! While DP and I have only been together for 10 years there has never been and daresay will never be any violence or cheating going on. We yell at each other and crack it but would never raise anything other than our voices. And he is definitely faithful - he has very strong morals about this.

With my XDH there was cheating but it was at the end of the marriage and the marriage was already dead (for many other reasons). There was never any violence and we are still good friends so it doesn't have to be like that even if the marriage isn't good it can still be loving and amicable if that makes sense. I think violence and cheating indicates much bigger issues.

[~Kim~]

no way, definately not acceptable here.

Your poor friend is sadly very entrenched in the domestic violence cycle.

[widdly]

agree with all of your posts. Had a big chat with my Mum about it today over lunch, I thanked her so much for giving me such a wonderfully strong female role model and for instilling such wonderful morals and values in me and filling me with strength and independence.

My friend comes from not a great back ground. She only met her father a couple of years ago, he is a thug, his answer to problems is to use his fists. Her mother was in and out of a mental hospital during high school. She was abused by her brohter as a child. Her own mother yelled at her for leaving her cheating and violent partner cause she would never find any better to have her and the violence and cheating is all her fauly any way cause she doesnt make sure the house is clean and the tea is on the table when he finishes work every day. No wonder she has the views she does.

I am feeling really bad now. I feel that I dont really want my DS to grow up friends with her DS cause imagine what valuea dn beliefs they are instilling in theis child. What is this little boy gonna be like when he is 9....or 15? Plus, knowing what I now know about them I will never allow DS to play at their house without me there. Also I find it extremely stressful to know this crap is going on with her and in front of her DS, I dont know that I want her in my life any more......

Ever since high school I have tried to help her see that the world isnt all like what she has grown up with, but to be honest I think she actually enjoys the drama of her life.

Maybe I will just start seeing less and less of her, there is only so long i can try and help her and be there for her.

Nai, it is great to hear that you and your XH have a good relationship still

Mak, thankyou so much hun! x

Slyder, awesome post

lime, yes it is VERY scarey that she would give such damaging advice to very vulnerable youth

[~Kim~]

...she sounds like she needs some strong women as a role model too hun .
Even if she doesn't change straight away or completely, it only take one drop of water to start a waterfall.
I know how distressing that can be to witness

[maz]

the only violence in my marriage would come about if one of us cheated then god help the plates

How truely sad and unsettling that she thinks it completely normal to settle for second best what kind of role model is she to her child and any future children.

Good god, my parents have been married for 51 years and dad has NEVER beat or cheated on my mother...he worships the ground she walks on and vice versa.

truely sad