Why is it we blame the community and not the people or better yet ourselves?

[Mum2SweetCs]

I havent read all the responses nor do i know what happened on the weekend. I think i am oblivious to all this (either that or i have selective reading!) LOL

I've had a few threads that caused a reaction with opposing opinions (one being the private vs public debate). It didnt bother me one bit that people went against my opinion as it is their own personal opinion. All i know is that the world is not black and white and when people voice their opinions and you don't like it, step away. Surely you can think about it a little and see where they are coming from but I dont believe it is worth the energy to get totally worked up about it and lose sleep!

Especially with forums, chats, FB, everything can be taken out of context so easily because we are missing all the body language that comes with face to face communication, so you cant blame to community but perhaps how you interpret the context and tone of it.

With all these supposed "negativity" that went around, if it was the community how come i am not feeling that BB has become a sad place?

I still get my lovely support from the ttc group and still feel like its a lovely place to come to (I refresh every 5 mins still!)

[Glamourcide]

Arrrg, Liz, gotta spread the love, but my head just exploded at the awesomeness of your last post

[maz]

Liz so so totally get what your saying.
Trav - what happens when we like the stain on the carpet..always have but when the furniture in that room got changed around, the stain changed shape and wasnt the same stain anymore?

[Traveller]

If that happens Maz, you have the choice to learn to love the new stain, to ignore it, or to leave the room. But it's not the room's fault, it is the fault of the person who made the stain.

I have a sudden burning desire to clean my carpets

[Inanna]

Aaah Traveller love your analogy.

To take that a step further... Is it really anyone's "fault". Perhaps the stain was a spilt coffee because someone was rushing (read - the "best" word choice wasn't made & some took offense). They tried really hard to remove the stain ( read: the author went back & tried to undo but the someone took the bull by the horns and ran with it)... So they were deemed a carpet wrecker when really they just wanted a coffee & they spilt it...

We all spill our coffee! I just think stains are a part of life. They show the carpet has had a family on them & they have a life. I think personally it is more helpful just to be grateful we have a room (BB) & not look so carefully at the stains - as we are all of us guilty of spilling coffee sometimes..

[Mum2SweetCs]

Why dont we just remove the carpet and put tiles or floorboard? that way a coffee will not stain and you can wipe it easily.

[maz]

baaahahahahhahaha

I have to say...I know this thread is ment to be very...mature and serious but man...im crying over all this talk about carpet and YES Trav babe...I so think I need to clean my carpets too now

ETA - my kids think I have lost the plot

[Arcadia]

Love all these housework analogies... Communities do require housework and I think the mods do a great job. Frankly if people are going to be antagonistic and rude and then leave in a huff, good riddance! It's not right for them at the moment, and that's ok, why blame those of us who want to stay?

[misty]

Reading this thread, I am now really interested to know if I am on anyone's ignore list.

I know I have butted heads with alot of people. But I know I am pretty outspoken IRL too. I don't expect everyone to like me, just as I don't expect to like everyone else. I think the problem is that (especially) with on-line communities - people form opinions and beleifs about people and 'groups' of people, which is threatened when something happens that appears contrary to these beliefs. I know that those who have met me IRL, likely had a different opinion of me before they met me as to what they did after. I have certainly met some fabulous people who are different to how I had imagined them to be. They are still the same people, they still post the same things, but you begin to realise the deeper story and intentions and attiudes behind the posts.

It is hard because the community as a whole is largely 'invisible' all we see is an extremely small snapshot in the form of a brief post.
I know some people on here probably think I am a complete b!tch - I have likely come across as that on many occaisions. Would you believe me if I said I'm not
I know other members have been extremely surprised when they have found out my age (28yrs) they have made assumptions that I was older - for various reasons: still not sure whether to be insulted or pleased

We fill in all the gaps with our own bias. Obviously we are often wrong. Hence the community will mean different things for different people.

I have been a member for about 5.5yrs, I am still not entirely sure how much the community has changed in that time, and how much is the fact that I have changed - a bit of both I would suggest. Sometimes, BB has been exactly what I needed. Sometimes, it has been everything that I haven't needed. The community has occaisionally been both things at once - which has seen me visiting specific forums and avoiding others. How much of this is because of myself and how much of this is because of the 'community'???? I think it has been a little of both.

Would I change any of it? No. It is what it is.

Do I sometimes respond before I can think of how I could say things better (with a little more tact)? Definitely.
Does this make my answer any less honest? No, probably sometimes more honest - but then honesty is not always a good thing or what is required.

But regardless of everything else - I actually feel like I am part of the community. So if things aren't the way I would like them within the BB comunity, then I do look towards myself, and what I can do to change this.

[Livinthedream]

Here is my 2 cents. BB is a great place, with some lovely folks who have travelled some amazing journeys.
BUT there is, I feel, an unwritten code about the general ethos of this community. And that is, that is predominantly a gentle parenting forum which believes in empowering women about their birth choices. And this is a good thing.
However, not everyone likes co-sleeping or baby wearing. Many women love and feel secure under their obstetricians care, and some women (believe it or not) have made informed choices to have a CS or to formula feed.
There is often a perceived notion that women who do these things do so because they are misinformed and that they need educating. Thats not necessarily true and it can come across as extremley preachy (IMO)
Maybe BB should be a little more obvious (for want of a better word) about the kind of views it represents, that way everybody knows where they stand.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Misty, I like that - it IS what it is, so you just go with it
I came here more often in the past because it was a safe place I needed, and somewhere I could exercise some cerebral muscle, particularly in relation to the 'gentle' parenting angle. Now, there is the combination of change in demographic as well as me being in a different space of 'need'. Even though I 'need' less often, it is so, so good to know that when I do need, BB is here. Not for an argument, but for the 'core business' of being a place to ask questions and share ideas.
It's just the way it is. I'm not being dragged down the road of change kicking and screaming

[Jakabella]

Im not sure about anyone else but I dont blame the comunity at all. If I have a problem with a specific post or person then I will address it. I treat BB as i would IRL - if I would say it IRL then I will say it here and vice versa.

I like that BB can have a bit of firer and I like that ppl are so passionate about a cause that they post about it and sometimes lash out. For me I like being told when I am totally out of line and I can oftern learn from that. I think eveyone is entitled to their OWN apoinions and just like RL not eveone is going to like it.

I would hate BB if it was just a total love in all the time and ppl felt like they couldnt say their peice because someone might get offended. I get that most of the time when I get pee-d off that its the way I have taken the topic or thread and the cord that it has struck with me - I own that. But I would hate to not get to read the posts that may offend me because ppl dont post them in fear of stating something that may cause an issue.

The world as a whole is becoming way to PC for me = I like that BB lets you say what you need to say and even if ppl dont like it = they can tell you and hell you may even learn a thing or two from the other view point.

Anyway my 2c worth.. not sure it made sense as all!

Kate

[Liz]

haha... love the floor boards idea. Or maybe tiles so we can hose this place out now & then? hahaha.

We all spill our coffee! I just think stains are a part of life. They show the carpet has had a family on them & they have a life. I think personally it is more helpful just to be grateful we have a room (BB) & not look so carefully at the stains - as we are all of us guilty of spilling coffee sometimes..

And there's always that person that insists on drinking coffee in the carpeted room LOL. Often in the wobbliest of teacups too. Delicate subjects are raised and then the teacup gets knocked right out of their hand!

The demographic has changed, and the orientation has changed.

Yeah I think that's what it is. It's that the audience is so much larger and wider now.

<--- I hate this emoticon LOL

LOL me too! What's with the new smilies? I don't like em <--much better than these -->

[Just Me]

Misty, I like that - it IS what it is, so you just go with it
I came here more often in the past because it was a safe place I needed, and somewhere I could exercise some cerebral muscle, particularly in relation to the 'gentle' parenting angle. Now, there is the combination of change in demographic as well as me being in a different space of 'need'. Even though I 'need' less often, it is so, so good to know that when I do need, BB is here. Not for an argument, but for the 'core business' of being a place to ask questions and share ideas.
It's just the way it is. I'm not being dragged down the road of change kicking and screaming

When I first started on BB, I posted a thread (that I am somewhat embarrassed about now) that was really quite arrogant about disposable nappies and as another member gently pointed out to me at the time, this is a safe place for people who do gentle parenting to come to find support and to share ideas. She pointed out that in mainstream society, a lot of the ideals are not all that readily accepted but this was a place where they are. I think that has always stuck with me and I do keep that in mind when I am posting. This is a prodominatly gentle parenting site and while I think that means different things to different people, I think it is important to respect that for many people this is one of the few places where they can talk openly about their parenting and not be judged based on stereotypes.

In many ways I understand why it is a safe place because as I have changed and challenged my own views of parenting and life in general, I am finding this is my safe place too where people seem to really understand and if they don't understand, they are at least willing to listen which in itself is incredibly important and validating.

It took me a long time to figure out what gentle parenting actually was though because I assumed that I didn't smack my kids or yell at them so that made me a gentle parenter. I think just because the ethos is displayed quite well over the website, I don't think that the concept of it is necessarily as easily grasped. I have never actually heard of gentle parenting before I came across this website and the only way that I have become informed about what it is rather than basing it on my own assumptions is because I have read lots from other members. I really enjoy reading what other people think. I find it fascinating.

I think just like in life, it is more important to listen than to talk, I think we sometimes need to read and think rather than to post. I think it is important to share your own ideas, but I also think it is important to put value on what other people are saying and read the whole thread and think about it before posting. That's just my 2c worth though ... again

[maz]

I *think* half the problem is that when peep's join BB they get over excited and go on a posting rampage...when they should have read Forum Guidelines - PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING .. and yep I was one of them...so over exicted and over whelmed by the big big world of the internet that i didnt.

I learnt along the way...opened my eyes and ears to listen to what others had experienced. I think that it helped me be a better mother...allowed me to be myself and not the sheep I had become due to society. It made me sit back and think before jumping into anything...yep maybe I over annalysed alot but atleast I was getting the information I needed and still do

SO dame you BB I there for blame you, the community for making me dame well think!!!!

[Inanna]

I am glad BB makes people think.

I also understand some of what Maya expressed.

When women here want to celebrate their gorgeous, natural births, or their breastfeeding experiences, or their 'attachment' parenting and are told they are 'making' other people feel guilty, then that makes me sad Because BB was the place you could once come to in order to do just that.

I have felt like that a bit lately too. This ethos of "making" others feel a certain way just puzzles me. I feel like a complete freak sometimes for speaking of my thoughts around birth because they go against the grain. When I didn't feel that way before recent times. I'm not sure if that's because things have changed or why its so. But I have felt that feeling I will agree with Maya there.