Jan

i'm in a very similar situation in that the way i was bought up was something i just can't get over. like you, my relationship with my dad will never be repaired. too much water under the bridge. my relationship with my mum is on a very unstable footing at the moment. she is, and always has been, an emotionally abusive person. if things didn't go her way, she'd resort to manipulating us, even as children. threats that dad would "deal with us" when he got home, threats that she'd OD when things weren't going her way when we were teens. i started to break away from them around when i was in my late teens (went to uni in another state to get away from them) but due to ill health of my grandfather, i came back "home" to care for him and fell back into the situation where i was being manipulated, used, and taken for granted. after DH and i got together, both of my parents said some pretty horrific stuff, and DH was the one that has helped me to make a "break" of sorts. i still have contact with them - always will i guess - but i refuse to be manipulated any further. my parents have pretty drastic health issues, all of their own making - and i refuse to let them play on my guilt when things get bad. if they have a specialist appt, i usually know the outcome - but i refuse to be accountable for their health issues, refuse to pander to their "woe is me" mentality. i know to people not in my family, i probably seem like a heartless cow - but that's not the case at all - i've had to shift the focus to MY family - even though there are only two of us at this point. we're more important. i can empathise with my parents, show concern - but i refuse to feel that it is my responsibility to "take care of them".

starbright - i'm in a very similar position with things coming to a head when we lost our first angel. my parents reaction, particularly my mother, was about THEM and how OUR lost impacted them. even 3 years on, i'm yet to hear anything more than how THEY lost another grandchild. it's obvious that they can't accept the fact that they don't have control over my life - and so they make as much as possible about them. the most sympathetic comment i've had after 2 years of assisted conception and four miscarriages is "keep your chin up"....

Jan - you have to focus on your nuclear family now - yes, you can be there for your parents in the capacity of daughter, not their carer - you don't owe them anything. you owe your child your full attention - and your parents need to learn that you have a life outside of what they expect of you. give them only that part of you that you can spare from the needs of your nuclear family - and don't let them make you feel guilty about not being there for them 100%. they birthed a daughter to grow and become an independent woman with a life of her own and that's what you need to do. don't ever feel guilty about being your own person.