My DS and his cousin are the first babies on my DH's side of the family, and they were born only weeks apart. All of DH's family lives in another state, and see each other often, so they are very close. My parents-in-law are visiting for a few days and I'm feeling anxious and insecure about my parenting because, inadvertantly or not, everything DS does is getting compared to everything his cousin does. It's not in a malicious way or anything, it's just if I talk about DS's sleeping/teething/personality, I get a story about his cousin. And of course, I ask about how my BIL and SIL are doing, how my niece is doing, because I am interested and I care about them, but it's hard to hear sometimes because by the sounds of things, she is the perfect baby - such a "good girl" - and while DS is perfect to me, he may not appear that way to others! Before I had DS, I swore I wouldn't let this kind of thing bother me, but for some reason, it does.
Has anyone else had their baby at the same time as their brother/sister/BIL/SIL?
My DS's have cousin's close to their age on both sides of the family.
My Dad doesn't do the comparing thing and when MIL does it I just tune out. They're Grandparents so they think their Grandchildren are just perfect and that includes your baby too - I guarantee that they do the exact same thing to your SIL & BIL and your BIL & SIL probably wonder how you got a perfect baby when theirs cries and vomits at inconvenient times. TBH your baby will probably be even more perfect because they see him less.
Both my SIL's eldest daughetrs are 3 weeks apart. I don't remember much being said, i know the SIL i dont get on with now her daughter was much more advanced so she was talking, walking etc before the other. But they both co slept and i believe were late teethers so they had those in common.
DS and DN (his only cousin) are 4 weeks apart - both little boys, both delightful - very, very different.
There are naturally comparisons, but I think all the family are pretty careful to not have positive -v- negative comparisons.
eg: DS has a lot more words than DN, but we don't make it a competition ... I don't go around gloating about how verbal he is - but I'm also not going to mention it when he gets a new word, for fear of upsetting my brother or SIL, if that makes sense.
DN had 11 teeth by the time DS had only 2! So I wondered when DS would get more teeth, and whether everything was ok etc, but it wasn't a cause for stress or worry ...
DS cries more than DN, DN has more temper tantrums ... they have their differences and similarities - but I think the thing that comes out strongest is that they are such little individuals - and they are both so very loved ... there really aren't preferences among the family, and we haven't needed to say anything to keep it light and friendly with our families.
On the (rare) occasion someone externally will say something - apparently with the assumption there is some sort of inherent rivalry - I just laugh at them, and say "It's not a competition." Because it isn't.
We hope that they (and the little one who arrives in a few weeks!!) will be the very best of friends, and while there may be some competitiveness as they grow up, we really really hope and pray that it never turns sour, and heaven help anyone who tries to push it in that direction ...
As they get older there will be more direct comparisons if they do the same sorts of things (whether it's academically or sport or music or whatever) but I figure that if any of us are focussing on whether DS is "better" than DN, or is "beating" him in whatever, then we're *not* focussing on what does DS love to do, and what makes him personally shine - and the same for DN.
And when they're little, who cares whether they walk first or crawl more slowly, whether they're more adventurous or smile more readily ... encourage people to just focus on what they are doing, and to enjoy that moment ... because each moment is delightful, and will never come back ... so your MIL or whoever else should, if they love your DS, just enjoy each moment without comparisons or competition.
I can't advise on the cousins thing, but coming from a mum of Fraternal Twin boys they are compared to each other all the time, especially as they are growing up together in the same environment.
But as they are 2 little individuals the only thing they have in common is the same mummy & daddy and the same birthday, but everything else is 'different'. DS2 has been crawling for 2 mths whereas DS1 only for the past 2 weeks, DS2 has just cut his first tooth but DS1 still has nothing. But DS1 is a very chatty baby whereas DS2 will babble but not to the same extent as his brother.
Both of my guys have such different personalities and each have their own 'positive and negative' traits and if they do get compared to each other it is only natural but I always bring it to the attention of whoever is making the comment that they are their own person and therefore will do things in their own time.
yup my SIL had b/g twins 7 weeks before we had our b/g twins
so IL's went from 0 grandchildren to 4 grandkids in 7 weeks!
its just a natural thing that they get compared esp weight/size stats when they were little which was pointless as my twins were 10 weeks early and born just over the 1kg lol
took them a bit to catch up lol
i just would take it with a grain of salt
kids will always be compared against their peers. Some people just get their rocks off and think its an indication on how we measure up as parents
crazy hey. This parenting gig is hard enough as it is, without having our own family etc knocking us
My sister and I had babies weeks apart, and yes it was hard. Mine were twins and breastfed, they didn't sleep through the night until over a year and boytwin was constantly sick. My niece was FF, healthy as a horse, and slept through from 4 weeks. She was left with babysitter (my mum) at an early age and my sister looked great and recovered fast from the birth. I felt constantly judged, especially because my sister had said a few things about "those women who breastfeed for months and months" like it was a bad thing, and my mum encouraged her to stop her attempts to breastfeed because her baby never wanted off the boob which is apparently a bad thing. Everything my niece (who was the youngest) did was compared to my twins who were slow in their physical development at first. Teeth, talking, sleeping through, starting solids, everything. Looking back nobody was judging me, but I felt that way because my sister parents like my mother did so they saw me as the odd one out, and as a result I couldn't complain about lack of sleep or lack of time to myself because it was all as a result of my own choices.
Now they are older I feel so much less judged. I know how wonderful and special my twins are, and I also known how wonderful and special my niece is. I think the one who was judging the most was me, and now I have stopped doing that I can see that the anecdotes I get about my niece are just for conversation and to let me know how she is getting on because we are geographically so far apart.
my DD and nephew are 3 months apart, so not super close but close enough for my MIL to constantly compare them and stuff like that.
drives me insane becasue my DD is the older of the 2, she is constantly trying to get nephew to do the same things as DD forgetting the 12w gap.
its worse now my nephew is walking becasue she is doing the whole "come on S, you need to walk becasue C is younger than you and he is already walking"
SIL and I are both very much they will do things when they are ready and dont compare the kids at all, funnily enough its only MIL that feels the need to compare them
My sister and I had our girls 8mths apart and our boys 5mths apart. We love it!
We have always been close... And we never had cousins that were close to us in age. So we decided that if we could, we'd have kids at the same time. Are we weird??
(Det - don't answer that LOL)
Anyway maybe because it was a conscious decision, we don't really have much competition... More like "DN is doing that? DD is nowhere near that!" but in a proud of my niece way.
My niece was born early October and DD early December.
It was OK when my sister lived here, but she's moved overseas now and everytime I talk to her I get told everything about my niece and when I say what DD is up to I get "Oh, niece did that ages ago!" Or "Why isn't she doing this yet?"
DD was a premmie and there was supposed to be alot longer between the girls.
you two wierd- nah never lol!!!
you guy do the niece/nephew same age thing really well!!
i think i have told you guys IRL??
if not I will tell you guys now!!
you guys are awesome !!!
TBH I think it depends on two things - family dynamics and how you feel/react to the comparisons.
DH and I were the first out of our siblings to have kids - a good 3 years before anyone else. In retrospect we just fitted in with the adult/no kids arrangements and I think did things with little fuss or expectation of help etc. We chuckled at comments of noisy/rude/boisterous toddlers and were busy juggling work/house/illnesses and sleeplessness.
I have been quite disheartened by the comparisons of parenting by different people as well as the expectations of the new parents that the whole world be adjusted to suit them and their routines. However as time has gone on I have had to remember that this stuff can only hurt/challenge me if I let it and ultimately them. Not an easy spot to be when you really feel like someone is criticizing the most important thing in your life (so child and your parenting approach).
Stick to your guns and remember why you are doing what you are. I have found a few approaches really help deal with some people. You will find that smiling and nodding or even agree fervently about x child/approach etc will mean that the person has no argument with you etc.
I feel for you as it is really hard - I have 2 sides to this with my biological sisters who sound like OP and her sis and then my step sisters who are competing for their mums attention and resources (time and money).
My ds and his cousin are 4 months apart. There are comparisons - esp as they are the only grandchildren. But it hasn't been a negative thing, more has just reinforced that babies/toddlers all do things at their own pace.
My sister has a daughter 6months older than DS and a son 6 months younger. Until recently they lived with my parents. For ages I let it bother me about them constantly talking about what the kids were doing and comparing....but really it's just what they have in common with you. Before we had someone to be protective of, competition wasn't such a big deal, but when it's our little person it's different. We live interstate too. I really try to look at it merely as them trying to have something to add to the conversation. Sure they might not be listening as intently as they should, but we're all guilty of that at some time.
I've been telling myself it is just MIL's way of trying to connect with me - when I speak about DS, she relates with something about DN. But DS and DN are definitely different! I just have to remember that it's okay, and the conversation isn't a stab and how I parent DS (I hope!). I have sisters, and I would love it if we were in the same life stages to be mums together. I think for me, it's hard because it's the in-laws, and I've never been close to MIL.
My DS and my only nephew (no neices) are 12 months apart (same birth date 16/3). I find that mum talks a lot about what my nephew is up to as she lives with my brother and SIL, and sometimes it will be like 'L is doing this already, when did C do this??'. Drives me up the wall but I try and tune out, I keep telling her they grow at their own pace!
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