BIG problem! DDs dad doesn't love her

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

To be honest, I'm not really mad at him. I am completely second-guessing myself, ridiculously, right now though. I just wish so much to see him and for things to be normal again. I'm trying not to have a panic attack about it.

[Feathertop]

Hi Socks, hope you are going ok. I have heard many women talk about how they still loved their partner, how they just wanted things to be normal again, and how hard it is to take the path that you have taken. I have heard all of them say that they absolutely had to stick to their guns in the end and not go back to a violent partner, particularly for the safety of their children, and to ensure their children don't learn that violence is normal.

Just a personal story about domestic violence - not mine, but someone I know. She was in high school, had a boyfriend who was very controlling and verbally abusive, she and her family knew he wasn't good. In the end she broke it off with him. He phoned her crying and asking her to meet him to talk etc - anyway, she met him in a park at night and he beat the living daylights out of her. She was almost killed in the attack, it was just luck someone found her. She was in hospital for 2 years and has permanent brain damage, is now in a wheelchair. She speaks out now about domestic violence, but her experiences have been horrific. I don't want this to happen to you. Stay strong, imagine a better future, and know that you will get through every day with your daughter - give her the best and safest life you can.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Oh Sweetheart, you poor love. How DARE anyone hit you? (BTW, an ex-boyfriend of mine once hit my face and left a bruise, my mother told me if I ever came home with a bruise on my face again she'd stop me seeing him... being a mother myself now, I can't imagine not beating the crap out of anyone who hit my child, but to just brush it aside...) You're doing the best thing by getting out of that relationship and PLEASE don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

I broke up with said ex-boyfriend because I realised if he could hurt me then if we had children what would he do to them? I wasn't about to put a child through that. That's the only reason I had for leaving at the time. Just keep remembering that you want your beautiful to grow up knowing that she's worthy of love, and an abusive father around will never teach her that.

[Bathsheba]

How are things going Baby Socks?

[Isadora]

Oh you poor thing!!! What a horrible horrible person he is, and one you and your daughter would be much better off without. I really hope that your parents are supporting you through this rough patch, you will need all the help you can get. Your mum should not be feeling sorry for him at all!! Please try hard not to let a person like this back into your life. All the best.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Thanks, everyone.

We're still not together of course, I'm letting him see his daughter (they seem to have bonded now - I guess not having to deal with her being a miss grumpy pants as well as not being able to see her whenever he likes has made him appreciate her more), only when my parents are home though.

There isn't much more to it than that, I am not liking this single parenting business one bit though

[paradise lost]

Oh hun! I know, i'm with you, single parenting is HARD work, and my XP also suddenly became incredibly bonded with and a self-professed expert at parenting our DD when i dumped him. I sometimes in my meaner moments think of him as the Disney father. Disney holidays, disney toys, disnae (glasgow for doesn't) help! LOL.

Hang in there. It is stressful raising a child on your own, but it is MORE stressful wondering if your "dear" partner is going to put the baby to bed or beat the crap out of you.

Bx

[blizz]

I am not liking this single parenting business one bit though

firstly to you and your daughter you are totally doing the right thing,
I'm sorry is this comes out the wrong way but......well, sweets...You sound as though you've been doing the 'single parenting thing' for a lot longer than from just when you left him!!!!!....and doing it well by the sounds of it,
you've shown alot of strength to make the decisions that you have already, although I'm not a single parent I do have some understanding of the loneliness that can be felt when your on your own (my DH works away doing shift work and it's usually away for 5 days at a time) I have learnt to fill that void of loneliness by firstly spending time on BB and secondly getting out and about with my family and friends and getting back in to life, surround your self with positive friends who love and respect you and I'm sure life will have more to offer you than living in fear, abuse and neglect good luck and stay strong for your little girl and mostly FOR YOU!!!

[Jo+3]

Baby socks. I feel for you. Even a break up of a "normal" relationship is hard, but you must be going through hell. My best freind went through a very similar situation. We all knew her dh was no good but she kept going through the cycle of getting beaten, filing for a avo, dropping the avo and going back. I lost count how many times this went on. You must realise that men who abuse are usually master manipulators too. You said your ex was coming around and playing the father role now? I hope that he is sincere in wanting to be a part of his daughters life, but just have in the back of your mind that this could be a ploy to win you back and win the trust of your family again. If he won't see anyone or get help for his obvious anger issues you need to be strong and stay away. Hon, get yourself some counselling. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. My friend, ten years on is happily married to a wonderful man who is a great father to her daughter and the two children they had together. Funnily enough her partner hasn't evolved at all and has been in and out of jobs/relationships for years. What will make your daughter the happiest is to see her Mum happy.

[Lulu]

Do you have set times for him to come and visit? I'm not sure how you work it, but if it was possible for him to visit with bubs - whilst you sleep. Even one hour, 3 times a week could make a difference for you, and you need to rest!

Yeah, course he is now the parenting EXPERT. It's only to undermine your confidence bit by bit. Can you imagine how you would feel as a parent if you were well fed and rested and could swing by and spend a bit of time with the kids when you felt like it, and hand them back when they smell? (This is coming from someone with three littlies and NO SLEEP so you might not feel the same!).

If he comes to visit, let it be your terms (sounds like they are anyway) and beneficial to you too. I good way to gauge if he is bonding with bubs or doing it to manipulate you is to not see him when he visits.
My exH visits to my daugher (not his though) dropped off noticeably after I made myself scarce (also to avoid his stupid,"harmless" comments) during the visit.

Good luck with everything, I hope you have another good nights sleep tonight...xoxoxoxo

[Lil_Aussie]

Hi Hun

Just sending you and your precious baby girl a huge
You are doing such a great job protecting your family, and making sure your daughter grows up able to appreciate her father,,, as if you had stayed together,, she would have grown up knowing how much she was unloved by her dad,, and how badly he treated you, as being normal for men to treat women. She may have even sought out a partner exactly the same,, abusing, and totally self centred uncaring etc etc.... the whole "daughters grow up seeking partners who are their fathers " bit and and all.
Maybe take a copy of the photo of what he did to your face, and keep it where you need it,,, so whenever you are badly tempted to "forgive all" and take him back,, you can have a look,, and remember that this is what a person who is meant to be your soul mate, and treat you like the amazing beautiful woman you are,, did to you,,, and may have ended up taking out his rage on your precious baby one day too.

I am soo glad that his attitude has changed toward your buba now that you are separated. it may well be like the others suggested that he was just way too young to be able to cope maturely, and handle the pressures that having a young family have on you both. So, now that that pressure is lifted,,, he may be able to now appreciate just how spectacular his daughter really is, but i really would be wary of him trying to get back together,, as i have heard of this situation many times,,, and once the pressures are back on,,, they revert once again to abuse ,,, and sometimes,,,,it is too late and the ultimate price is paid for their rage.

All the best with this hun,, and pls let us know how things are going,,, you always have the support of everyone here on BB :