boyfriend troubles

[shellbell3]

Can I just ad from your comment about not wanting a broken home for your child, I can tell you first hand they would prefer to come from a broken hime than live in one. His behaviour and treatment towards you is what your child is going to grow up seeing and thinking is normal. You can't change him, its up to him if he wants to change himself, you have no control over anyone but yourself and need to decide then what is best for you and your child.

[doochydoo]

Exactly but I'm dammed with him
And I'm dammed with out him, i did rely on him Alot but when it comes to this baby stuff hes just so rediculous and non understanding as to why these things need to be done . I could say it to him a million times why does he not get it!

[doochydoo]

Thank you xoxoxo

[loulabelle]

Run, seriously get out now. Men aren't pigs, you need to realise that more is out there for you. I guarantee it.

Goodluck xx


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[*LittleMissSummer*]

I have been in your shoes, trust me i have posted on BB more than a few times upset/frustrated and at my wits end with how my relationship was, i admit at first i didn't like what was being said to me, to me NOBODY understood what it was like so i would become defensive and started defending him and this was before we were wanting children!. I fell pregnant with my DD when we were seperated (we were seperated for a few months but started a casual thing), i sat him down and specifically told him i expected NOTHING from him, i wanted the baby and was happy to do it on my own. But he made it clear he wanted to be a family. Our relationship was great while i was pregnant, he was fantastic for a few months after she was born especially when i had PND then over time he changed, he was nastier we fought more. But this time it was around our DD. I took it, i was like you i didnt want my DD to be from a broken home, i accepted (most the time) the way he treated me and was convinced this would be my life forever.

Eventually i snapped, came onto BB (once again) needing advice, being told very similar things to you about leaving and not all men are pigs, i was scared and once again i ignored everything that was said to me. It happened time and time again. Then one day it was different. I was sick of crying all the time. I didn't want a broken home for my DD, but i also didnt want the upbringing i had. So i started looking at ways to get out. I called centrelink, i contacted crisis accomodation, talked to friends and my mum. I was serious. Then i don't know why, but during a fight i told DP my plans and it was the wake up call he needed, we sat down talked for HOURS and HOURS since then he has been MUCH MUCH better. We hardly ever bicker or argue. Of course i have my moments where he just absolutely rubs me the wrong way but we are able to communicate once i calm down and talk about it. Plus any arguing we do is NEVER done in front of our DD, if i feel one coming i will either say no we aren't doing this or i pull him aside.

I'm saying this because my DP was willing to change (after realising how serious i was about not being treated the way i was) and has changed. You need to stand up for yourself and your unborn baby and decide if this is the life you want. It doesn't have to be hard, a relationship takes both people to work at it. I'm in no way saying my life is perfect but everyday things get a little easier and i am much happier.

Good luck, i do hope it all works out well for you whatever you decide to do.

[Rach83]

I hope you find strength within yourself to make the best decision for yourself and your baby. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. Not all men are little boys and if you leave you will find someone who treats you and your baby like you deserve.

[Butterfly Dawn]

Make an appointment with centrelink and start the process to get his name off your lease etc.
He wont change for long if at all. And if he goes to jail? He can't provide for you and baby. Doubt his mates will help.
Solo parenting is ok. There is alot of help available and some awesome people you can meet through here.
Be kind to yourself. You are a survivor. Beautiful. Clever and important.

Sent from my Galaxy with the barefoot princess covering me in kisses, so please forgive the mistakes

[MulwareeRainbow]

Hi OP

sorry to hear about your situation and congratulations on the baby!. I just wanted to recommend that you don't put his name on your baby's birth certificate. This is so if you want to get your baby a passport, you don't have to spend years and numerous thousands of dollars trying to get his signature on a piece of paper. This happened to a friend of mine recently. All she wanted to do was take her son on a three week holiday to Fiji as a family with her new partner (of about 8 years). it took three years, numerous court appearances, who knows how many thousands of dollars and hiring a private investigator to get that signature, all because you have to have both parents sign a passport application!

Good luck- I know you will make the right decision for you and your baby

[diannescruffy]

Hun, I just wanted to add that if you havn't had any counselling over your previous relationship I would really urge you to do so. Three years in an abusive relationship at such a young age can effect your whole future. You mentioned your bf doesn't hurt you as much as your ex, your bf should not hurt you at all, I just don't want you to get caught up in the abusive cycle. Take care.

Regards,
Dianne

[Amity]

Hi OP

sorry to hear about your situation and congratulations on the baby!. I just wanted to recommend that you don't put his name on your baby's birth certificate. This is so if you want to get your baby a passport, you don't have to spend years and numerous thousands of dollars trying to get his signature on a piece of paper. This happened to a friend of mine recently. All she wanted to do was take her son on a three week holiday to Fiji as a family with her new partner (of about 8 years). it took three years, numerous court appearances, who knows how many thousands of dollars and hiring a private investigator to get that signature, all because you have to have both parents sign a passport application!

Good luck- I know you will make the right decision for you and your baby

MissLizzy - your friend had bad legal advice. I know how to get around this easily

[Butterfly Dawn]

Above are 2 really good points.
Counselling doesn't have to be expensive, centrelink can help you there too

Sent from my Galaxy with the barefoot princess covering me in kisses, so please forgive the mistakes

[doochydoo]

All very wise words and yes I am worried to be alone but I am also not going to break up with him I am willing to fix it. Ever since I said what needed to be said he's done a complete 360 and has been wonderful saved up 800 already to get a cot etc and we went clothes shopping, it hurt him Alot to see that I was upset and he couldn't see it and now he's been so much more caring understanding and wonderful. He's been sitting at home with me doing nothing and we have been having fun! I'm really happy with the way things are and when we start to have a fight or no one is coming I we can talk it out and understand eachothers points which I never thought I could do with someone haha! I guess maybe I thought the worst because of all the Chances I gave my ex and really I should stop comparing the two because they are nothing alike. (oh and I mean he hurt me by not being understanding etc not abusive towards me like my ex) hes been working and cooking for me really making everything nice. I'm glad that we got to work it out all I had to do was sit down and talk it out properly ! I'm sure we will have our moments like all relationships but it's not worth being thrown away, even though when we fight I feel like breaking up with him and all the extremes ! We have only been together 6 months so I guess we don't no each other that well! I fell pregnant 1 month into the relationship and it got serious to fast so we lost the romance and skipped the dating and all the fun parts of the start of a relationship. When I spoke to him he told me things that I do to upset him which I can understand to and I have fixed, I'm glad we could fix this and not throw it away! I was obviously upset when I wrote this and I suppose I leave out the good parts and just tell everyone all the bad so everyone says just leave .. I can understand why lol but thanks for everyone's words !

[nothing2lose]

You have obviously made up your mind so I'll say nothing other than there are no "good parts" of your relationship that could possibly outweigh the bad you have described in your posts. I fear you will learn the hard way

Good luck with your pregnancy and birth. Take care

[loulabelle]

You have obviously made up your mind so I'll say nothing other than there are no "good parts" of your relationship that could possibly outweigh the bad you have described in your posts. I fear you will learn the hard way

Good luck with your pregnancy and birth. Take care

My thoughts exactly.


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[*LittleMissSummer*]

As someone who has been in the OP's position sometimes its the bad parts we focus on more so it appears that the whole relationship is just absolutely terrible when really what we post could be not even 10% of what actually goes on.

So its easy to say that no good parts could out weigh the bad when we aren't in her home, we don't know her or even him.

What helped my relationship was putting my foot down and literally screaming "I WILL NOT BE TREATED THIS WAY" and letting him know that i am not afraid of being alone, if they have any doubt in their minds that they can continue to treat you badly and you won't leave because you love them they will always go back to their old ways. It took me what, 7 years to work that out. He always thought i was afraid of being alone so he would i suppose 'humour' me by changing and then slowly resort back. But when he saw first hand my actual attemps to leave it opened his eyes that just because we have a child and another on the way it doesn't stop me from leaving if i have really had enough.

Just please be honest with yourself, are you happy? Is he worth it? Will he make a good father? if your answers are YES to each of them without any doubt at all i think its worth fighting for.

[loulabelle]

The percentage of what good and bad irrelevant. It shouldn't happen at all. And in my experience, these men never change long term. Not without serious help.



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[Rouge]

I agree.

I have never ever been treated this way ever by my husband. You want to carry that dead horse with you around during your relationship that is up to you. But when you've reached the 15th time of it getting better and you realise it's the same dance you've done 15 times before and realise you wasted YOUR life trying to get someone else to change its a sad day.

I have seen many friends go through this. And every single one says I wish I'd seen it sooner. Because they knew they didn't and couldn't listen to anyone else until they were ready to see it for themselves.

So in the end it matters not what we say. It matters only what you want to hear and see for yourself.

And for the record I do believe people can change. Both me and my husband have done so over the years. But there are some fundamentals that make or break it.

[PumpkinZulu]

I justified my husbands ****ty actions for too long. I kidded myself into believing things would magically change, that with a few nice words he had 'turned it around'. Don't be me. I went through agony because I was too foolish and naive to call a spade a spade. Here's the thing; my husband is not a terrible person. Anyone who knows him can attest to this. He is intelligent, caring and sensitive. But he did really selfish, immature, (emotionally) abusive things to me. One day, I woke up. I'd been lied to and essentially abused by him for over 12 months, led to believe I had the perfect life I didn't. Mainly because he was good at the lie, and partly because I had my head in the sand. Please, don't be me. Or anyone else who has been here. It will change you, and you will struggle. It's a hard thing to come around after the same old **** happening 10 times and having to say "you were right, it will not change", save yourself the humiliation and wake up to this now. I walked away when my daughter was 3 weeks old. BELIEVE me when I say that it would be a million times easier to go before you have your baby, because once its here, leaving someone who you will most likely come to depend on with a newborn is gut-wrenchingly hard. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.