boyfriend troubles

**fionas** · July 27th, 2012, 10:43 PM

I agree with LMS that the only way to stop them behaving badly is to show them that you're not going to put up with it any more.

I think some of us equate 'working at the relationship' to being forgiving and understanding of WHY someone may react the way they do.

Believe me, I've spent years psycho-analysing my partner but he only makes significant changes when I give him an ultimatum which in itself is probably a good sign to leave.

No-one wants to leave without giving it a best shot though.

I want to be able to look my girls in the eye when they're adults and tell them I did everything I could to make it work but in the end I had to walk away.

**sushee** · July 27th, 2012, 11:01 PM

I think being understanding and wanting to work at something is admirable. As long as the other person is willing to work at it too. And working at it doesn't necessarily mean only paying lip service to the partner who is threatening to leave. I would expect NOT to have to get to that point for my partner to stop whatever they were doing and work at it right then, right there.

Relationships are tough. They require work, from both partners. If you're working at it, and he's not working at it unless you threaten him, then it's not working. He should treasure you as much as you treasure him. He should bend and compromise and give as much as you do. Why do you deserve any less than that?

And personally I don't understand being an example to your kids that they have to put up with being disrespected and mistreated rather than walk away. I have stayed 'for the kids' and I can tell you now, that was no good example for them. They're adults now and they've said on many occasions that they wished I'd walked away much sooner from their father. And my 22yo daughter now knows she doesn't have to put up with that from a man, ever. Thank the lord if that's the only real lesson she got from me.

Rach83 · July 28th, 2012, 08:27 AM

I disagree that relationships are tough. We have been through some tough situations together but it isn't the relationship that is tough - its the situation. The relationship is the part that gets us through. The relationship is the easy part.
We have been together 8 years and he has never disrespected me or shown me anything but love. I am very lucky but I feel he is lucky too.
If your relationship is consistently tough maybe just maybe it's not right.

**sushee** · July 28th, 2012, 09:23 AM

Well said Rach, I actually agree with you. I don't think relationships should be tough either. Yes they require work, and communication, but no the relationship shouldn't be tough.

Rach83 · July 28th, 2012, 09:32 AM

Exactly sushee

**diannescruffy** · July 28th, 2012, 11:30 AM

Completely agree with Rach too. I really strongly recommend some counselling for your previous relationship though because you will be carrying issues that will come into this relationship. You need to build a foundation for your relationship and once a strong foundation is formed you can get through anything TOGETHER. YOU cannot fix anything on your own. Does your bf know about your past abusive relationship, it may help him to understand you a little better. All the very best.

Regards,
Dianne

**nothing2lose** · July 28th, 2012, 11:45 AM

The older I get, the more I realise that "love" is not enough in a relationship. It is vital to any successful partnership but it's not enough. You need trust, shared values, a common purpose, mutual respect and caring, equality, understanding....all those things. You can have differing opinions about the small stuff, but I think it is vital that you are on the same page about the big stuff.

Coupled with that is the fact that sometimes we mistake dependency and fear of being alone (physically, emotionally, financially), for what we think is love.

Doing the right thing for a week, a month, a year even is easy. A loving partner does the right thing each and every day. From the start. It's a lesson I took years to learn. Maybe I didnt even really learn in until I hit the jackpot and met my DH eight years ago. It was only then that it really, fully clicked that this is what everyone had been talking about. A true, loving partnership. A man who would not ever dream of spending a cent on himself if DD was in need of anything. A man who is home every night because that's where he wants to be. That's the sort of man you want to build a future with. Dont accept anything less for yourself or your child.

**doochydoo** · July 30th, 2012, 02:10 PM

I've been through the worst of the worst in a relationship I know the signs of when to leave and when someone says they are going to change but won't if I wanted to leave I would leave I wouldn't put up with it, Ive learnt Alot and not to stand for boys **** but I'm also forgiving and understanding and patient, I see change in his heart and I can work on that as I know what it feels like for people not to give chances or room
For change as I'm not perfect myself.. Ofcourse it is possible he won't and he will slip back and you know what ever it's not anything that could hurt me as much as I've been hurt it takes Alot it would just be a shame

**Catastrophic** · July 30th, 2012, 02:32 PM

The older I get, the more I realise that "love" is not enough in a relationship. It is vital to any successful partnership but it's not enough. You need trust, shared values, a common purpose, mutual respect and caring, equality, understanding....all those things. You can have differing opinions about the small stuff, but I think it is vital that you are on the same page about the big stuff.
Dont accept anything less for yourself or your child.

This is so true... Love doesn't cut it... As much as I love my ex, the trust and everything else isn't there - hence why he is an ex.

Your the only one that can make a decision about your life. So I wish you all the best and hope it works out coxo

Cat xox

***LittleMissSummer*** · July 30th, 2012, 04:44 PM

I wish you all the best. I hope he does change

**doochydoo** · July 31st, 2012, 08:08 PM

So as it seems he did fail me but that was his last chance so I broke up with him, it doesn't matter though he will see one day and hopefully doesn't make the same
Mistake twice with the next girl but he won't be making it with me. I'm just glad I'll have a beautiful baby boy from this. It's sad I gave him so much trust but in the end he can't have the honey and the bee and of trust is an issue we aren't meant to be. What is everyone's thoughts on letting him see the baby / shared custody seen as though he thinks baby's only need one bottle a day and they drink out of sippy cups bit worried of leaving bub with him as you would be haha

**Catastrophic** · July 31st, 2012, 08:21 PM

I suggest you go and see a lawyer and know your rights hun xox take care, I am sorry he turned out to be a douche bag, there are some nice ones out there, look after yoursef and your little boy xo

Rach83 · July 31st, 2012, 08:22 PM

I'm sorry your relationship turned out this way but you sound as though you are in a good headspace about it.

I think re visitation he has a lot to prove to you that he is responsible. I definitely wouldn't allow it with a newborn. If you are on ok terms I'd let him see the baby at your place for a start.

**kerbear** · July 31st, 2012, 08:37 PM

N2l I couldn't agree more, love is not enough, I to like you took a long time to realize and it wasn't until I met my dh that I to found out what everyone meant.
It is not hard when you ah e the right person in you life, everyday is enjoyable even the ones that aren't perfect. They understand what you need and you don't fight in screaming matches, ours are more a difference of opinion in something and are rare.

Doochydoo

I can also add though having been in really bad relationships before it takes a lot of courage to leave but once you do you learn what life is like without the problems from that relationship. Bad relationships can destroy you as a person more than you realize and you want to be the best version of yourself for your baby. I am glad to hear you have moved on from him.

Good luck hun an hope you have a healthy rest of your pregnancy.

**diannescruffy** · August 1st, 2012, 08:51 AM

I would also suggest you seek some legal advice, sorry things didn't work out with your bf.

Regards,
Dianne

**teresa** · August 1st, 2012, 10:23 AM

there is a place called relationships australia. they offer free counselling. i had to use them with an issue i had a few years ago. not only were they free but they were excellent and really helped me.

**Cass72** · August 1st, 2012, 12:32 PM

I disagree that relationships are tough. We have been through some tough situations together but it isn't the relationship that is tough - its the situation. The relationship is the part that gets us through. The relationship is the easy part.
We have been together 8 years and he has never disrespected me or shown me anything but love. I am very lucky but I feel he is lucky too.
If your relationship is consistently tough maybe just maybe it's not right.

Well said Rach, I actually agree with you. I don't think relationships should be tough either. Yes they require work, and communication, but no the relationship shouldn't be tough.

What they said: completely agree!!

**doochydoo** · August 1st, 2012, 01:54 PM

Yeah well he was upset and just wants to be with the mother of his child but he won't change other aspects so it just couldn't work, we are on good terms I'll miss having company and I hope that I don't get weak and miss him to the point where he comes back because I know it won't work

thread: boyfriend troubles

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