Children of Narcissistic Parents

[*Sparklez*]

I always get: 'You were such a beautiful baby...what happened?' or 'The genes were there you were just too stupid to chose the right ones.' Yes, because the fact that she chose to marry and procreate with my father who looks like the jockey sized lovechild of Mr. Plod and the Monopoly man has absolutely nothing to do with it and the fact I'm short can't possibly be anyone else's fault accept for mine!

This to me sounds like my mum, but not big noting myself i am not an ugly lady (lol @lady) i am quite happy to say i pride myself in my looks, but when my mum put me down about how i looked like a little hairy wog or that i wish i inherited the blonde hair blue eyes, i grew up to realise that she was jealous of me and my looks, i looke dnothing like my mothers daughter and would comment on how my dark features were so enticing.. they didnt comment on her, so she would use an insult to cover her feelings of jealousy..
I bet your beautiful, tall or short, doesnt measure up to whats inside and you sound perfect to me, you all do, we all are

[cjane]

oh wow!!! I had no idea there were so many of us. This is a sad thread. Well, it makes me sad to admit that my mother is also like this and that so many of you have had such hard experiences. Much harder than me, I think I got off reasonably mildly, although I have a double whammy as my Dad also has a form NPD but then I'd also say he has severe depression too. In actual fact I think he is pretty much a sociopath and his life is one big mystery. My Dad was also a compulsive liar and possibly still is...I only see him at family functions and we say very little to each other. He had affairs for years - led a double or triple life, and although mum and dad separated 6 years ago, they still spend alot of time together and mum still seems to worship the ground he walks on. But with both parents having such major issues, its made it hard.

I guess Ive known for a while that my mother fits into this category (I would also say that some of the traits she has would be considered 'mild' or even non existent, whereas there are several traits on the NPD list you could give her 10 out of 10).

Ive been in denial about my mum falling into this category since I find it so hard to deal with. Reading the 'Children of Narcissistic Mothers' website was such an eye opener and I found it really validating, so thank you to whoever posted the link initially (I cant go back to check now to see who posted the link!).

On the surface, people would think I have a great relationship with my mum and I suppose that these days, I do - mostly. I think she has changed a bit and by the age of 36, Ive also learnt how to bite back, keep a fair amount of our interactions on my terms, and understand the boundaries etc and say "no" to her and just not enter into the drama and the "hurt" that me saying "no" causes as I know its all total cr&p. I suppose I have trained her a bit - and she has come to accept that if she wants me in her life then this is the way it is.

But at the same time, I still often feel quite compromised and like Im doing things to keep her happy - and I dont always bite back and pull her up with her negative comments about me. These lifetime habits are hard to break. I still feel as though she tries to deliberately humiliate me in front of others and that she loves to tell the story of what a little bi&ch I was as a teenager, or how mean I was to my brothers when I was a child....almost blaming me for their issues in adulthood, that it was all because I was so mean to them when they were growing up. I know that the reality of the situation is that she suffers immense guilt at her own behaviour and abuse towards them....that I am merely a scapegoat and that I was only a child myself trying to live in a tough family situation. She also loves to tell everyone how demanding I was in getting my own way, when in reality, I know that I was just trying to get some fairness with an incredibly self absorbed mother! When she does this, I sometimes fantasize about how I will speak to her "next time". She is very quick witted and sharp tongued, and I find it hard to think of something on the spot...but then I'll go home and think of what I could have said back - or what I could say next time. Its awful because then I build up a lot of anger and never get to actually express it.

When we bought our house, my mum came over to inspect and the first and pretty much only thing she said was "pity it isnt in the next street along, that street is so pretty". She then went on to tell me later that my aunty said "glad its them and not me" since it needed doing up.

On my wedding day, as my Dad was walking me down the isle his only comment to me was "this is all a bit pretentious". That was his only comment to me. I certainly didn't have either parent telling me how happy they were, or that I made a beautiful bride...or that they were even excited that their only daughter was about to get married. But for some reason on the day, I was able to let my Dad's comment wash straight over me. At the time I thought to myself - you are one sad and pathetic man. This is one of the happiest days of my life and your comments mean nothing to me, they dont affect me, and say more about you and your patheticness. However I think this was a defense mechanism at the time to get me through the moment. I didn't actually let the comment sink in until weeks after the wedding when I finally let myself acknowledge how awful it was that he tried to dampen his daughter's spirits at such a moment.

anyway like most of you I could go on, but this thread is really helpful and amazing...so thank you. I look forward to reading other people's comments and stories!! And I might go and write myself some positive affirmations to help soothe my mood, because this has stirred up a lot of emotion!!

[StrawberryFields]

Yup Nae, my mum does that too. Or she'll agree to a date to do something then turn around and say she would never agree to that date and say she agreed to a different one.

Or she'll say she's asked me to do something, or told me something X amount of times and she never said anything. At least my dad would back me up in those cases and confirm that I was actually right and she never said anything about said thing to anyone.

[Just Me]

I always get: 'You were such a beautiful baby...what happened?' or 'The genes were there you were just too stupid to chose the right ones.' Yes, because the fact that she chose to marry and procreate with my father who looks like the jockey sized lovechild of Mr. Plod and the Monopoly man has absolutely nothing to do with it and the fact I'm short can't possibly be anyone else's fault accept for mine!

I get "You inherited every single one of our bad genes combined. Pity you didn't inherit any of our good ones". My Dad also told me in relation to finding a partner "You really shouldn't set your standards too high. You should be grateful for whoever comes along". These things were not yelled at me in the middle of arguments, they were said in quite calm moments when we were getting along okay. When I was younger I agreed with both statements and thought they were a fair observation. Now I am horrified that my own parents would say things like this to me ... not even as a reaction to me in an argument but in times of peace because this is what they really think.

[*Sparklez*]

Just Me- No dont feel like you have to hold back, these issues are happening and there happening now, you cant help that these all come to head at once, and as for your other threads, i can only say, you are a wonderful, inspirational and a very comapssionate woman. Regardless what has happened to you in life, you have taken it in and used it as a tool to create new paths for you and your family, to ensure your children arent exposed to this sort of issue..

The flying butter- Hun, No matter what it is that you have medically, it is no excuse for any parent nor adult to emotionally, physically, sexually abuse a child, no matter what circumstances are in place. A child is a child of innocense, a object that is frail and also extremely impressionalable and very naive and volatile.
It sounds like your mother did abuse you emotionally and at her own satisfaction. You never did anything to warrant any sort of emotional abuse and that to me is a violation of innocense no matter how severe.

Strawberry Fields- Yes, she is!! Lol. My mum is a multi-manipulator. She is perfect around stranegers but doesnt take her long to show her true colours and even then she will have any excuse to cover it up and they fall back in love with her again. She has suffered health wise, cancer and stuff, but i always supported her in any way possible, But her motto is "karma is a b***h" inwhich means, we did nothing for her so wait until your in this situation.
Also on the topic of mental illness due to these poeple lol.
I suffere from Bipolar Disorder. This was discovered around 18 months ago now. I have an extremely compulsive but also aggressive side that wil come from unwarranted but also am very volatile to certain situations.
I also suffer from Deep anxitey also, I have anxiety attacks when i start feeling threatened, or if i get certain vibes from people i dont trust, very weird i know lol
I suffer from Depression also which can kick in at the best of times which i hate because i go into a complete dazed and zombie like state. which effects my ability to parent. so that has to be closly monitored.
I am on meds for my Bipolar but thats all i will take right now, the bipolar tablets are very strong and carry alot of lithium in it which makes me ill alot.
Also think that i can show NPD signs but i think they are just mimic's from my mother itms?
I never ever put my kids down nor talk myself up and etc

[black_rose]

I didn't realise my mum had it until reading JM's thread everything fell into place, before that i thought she was just selfish but it didn't explain the way she believes the lies she tells. We tried counselling and even the counsellor couldn't believe the stuff she was saying. She warned me afterwards she would never change.

The number of friends she has drift in and out is high and not much if our family talk to her anymore either.

[Jennifer13]

My MIL is def narcissistic. I've taken DP through those sites and she fits it to a tee. We are currently having success with limited contact, but that's only because atm DP is the favored one as she's not speaking to BIL and his family.

She is hell to manage, thank goodness I don't have the misfortune of being her D, DIL is hard enough.

[toomanyshoes]

My biggest struggle is how much contact to allow my kids to have with my mum.

If I limit I feel guilty because my dad died and DH's parents are morons who we have nothing to do with so how can I take the kids only grandparent away from them?

Kind of wish DH's last job offer had of been for somewhere far far away from both his and my family!

[Just Me]

I struggle with it too. My kids have my parents but I hate that they have grandparents out there that they don't know. I have to constantly remind myself that it is would be stressful and detrimental for my kids to have a relationship with DH's parents. I feel so sad for them though that they don't have any family on DH's side to enjoy and get to know. I know what we are doing is the best for them and for us, but it is shattering an ideal that I have always had about grandparents I suppose. It is a hard and heartbreaking decision to cut them out of our lives completely but we were left with very few options in the end because there was no way that we could make it work. We tried and we have retried and now we are done.

My kids haven't yet realised that they don't know DH's parents. They are too little yet to understand all the family relationships. I don't know what I am going to tell them about it all. I want to be honest and open but I don't know what to tell them at the moment when they really don't understand. In some ways, it would be easier to explain if they had cut us off but we cut them off. I don't want to give my kids the impression that that is how we deal with other people when we have problems. It really was a long road and we tried so many different things before we stopped all communication. I don't really think they are old enough to deal with all that info yet. If anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them.

DD1 did find a photo in one of our albums of DH's family though and we explained that it was Daddy's mum and dad, brother and sister etc. We didn't give them titles like Grandparents or aunty and uncle because in many ways, to her, they aren't anything. They are really just DH's family and nothing more at the moment. When my kids grow up, they might like to have a relationship with PIL and I will leave that up to them and cross that hurdle when I come to it.

I never had any contact with my Dad's dad growing up, though he is still alive, and I don't wonder what he is like. I have never tried to meet him and neither have any of my cousins or brothers. I don't have a name for him like Grandad or Pa or anything like that. He has always just been my Dad's dad. Maybe it is something to do with not giving him a title that means that I have no interest in him. I don't know. He didn't want contact with any of us though so that was different.

Non-contact is such a grey area. Not many people have done it and it is a very lonely road with lots of issues in itself. Having said that, I feel the issues are far more managable and for the most part, cause far less stress.

[toomanyshoes]

For me I think the fact my grandparents (mum's mum and dad) took on the roll as my "care taker" for some years and that I continued to be so close to them is what makes me feel so guilty.

But I also realise the kids don't have the same relationship I had with them as they have with mum (their nan).

I've given up on wanting the "mother daughter" relationship but I do wish the kids had a grandparent to call on like I did. It's so hard, we've made the choice to distance ourselves from DH's parent's because of their negative impact and with my father committing suicide it's currently impossible to "fight" mum. I haven't done anything wrong yet the guilt is suffocating.

She wants the kids to go stay with her alone during the school holidays and I'm petrified.

[Just Me]

Guilt is such a strong emotion. It's horrible but it impacts lots of my decisions too. Stopping contact with PIL has just ramped the guilt up and hasn't fixed anything in that way.

Normally I would say to just say that you don't feel comfortable your kids staying there over the holiday because of the kids' ages, but I know that someone with NPD doesn't understand that and all they see is that they aren't getting their own way so then comes the flood of manipulative tactics designed to make you feel guilty and in the end they get exactly what they want. I was never successful negotiating things with MIL ... they always ended in us just putting our foot down and her 'punishing' us for the next few months because she didn't get her own way.

Do you think your mother causes any risk of harm to your kids emotionally, physically or developmentally?

[NaeNae]

JM - I just wanted to tell you I sat down this morning and opened the DONM link and I nearly cried through the reading. My head is swimming and as I was reading I literally could feel a loosening of some kind in my shoulders, like years and years of abuse and crap was finally being heard by someone who believed me. Cannot say it is a sense of relief because now I really do feel like I need help. I need to unlearn everything she has said, I need to find out who I am as a really decent, caring loving woman that I KNOW I am.

My head feels like its going to explode ...........

I don't know who to go to, do I see a GP and ask for a referral to a therapist of some kind? Do I say outwardly "I believe my mother has NPD" and I have just become aware of the problem now I need someone to help me through my 30 something years of torment?

I am not going to buy that persons book, but I need something so I can finally straighten out my shambled life so that I can be the best damn person and mother I can without falling back into old traps.

Any ideas ??

Nae

[Jennifer13]

Please don't feel guilty!

I have an explicit example of no contact in my family because my father abused me and spent some time in jail as a result. Making the decision to cut him out of my life (and my future children at that point) had an obvious reason. I did try for a while before that to give him a chance to turnaround and prove himself. But once I was satisfied that was never going to happen, I cut him out. I grieved the relationship I never would have, it was almost like a death without any public recognition, so quite lonely. But I have never regretted it, not once. It was the right thing to do.

I would readily do the same thing with MIL, but it's not my decision to make, it's DP's. IMO, risking the kind of emotional abuse that has damaged DP just as much as the sexual abuse in my family did me, to my children is not an option. Hence the limited and controlled access. If it escalates again or she tries to involve our children to any unacceptable level, we will walk away without a backward look. At least DP has me to understand if that happens. Thankfully I think she's getting old and desperate enough to toe our line a lot more than she ever used to. For the moment...

[minniemouse]

I grieved the relationship I never would have, it was almost like a death without any public recognition, so quite lonely

this so hits home for me, like many others mine is a complicated story with my mother and it all came to a head last year when i was suffering my 3rd miscarriage in 6 months and she was so horrible and so mean to me about it, she stormed out of my house saying she "wasn't welcome here" because i was so upset i couldn't even talk to her. she then ran to my brother and cried hysterically to him and from that day i have lost my mum, dad and brother as they all took her side and have been awful to me

it really did feel like they had died that day and every "family" moment since has been terrible for me, birthdays, mothers day etc but Jennifer you are so right it is such a lonely grief because i can't write on fb today is the anniversary of my families death because they are still alive but not to me. i have no family, no grandparents, aunts uncles etc its hard

i am so sad to see you all needing to post in here but at the same time it comforts me that others have felt the way i do

[~Lashes~]

Strawberryfilds- yup, all to familiar with the crying "what did i ever do to deserve this?" comes close seccond to the bringing things up then trying to change the subject or crack it if i mention something other than her point of view.

my bigest fear is treating my kids the same way. having them fall into the same sort of relationship.
i keep comparing my mum to DF's, theye had bad drug habbits when he was growing up, so he had to watch the younger siblings and even now they try pull crap on him, whole nother story, but some of the things done on behalf of the il's i use as a "i can get threw this" motivator! if that makes any sence at all..?

[black_rose]

My mum bought a new house not long after us and when I got my first brand new car she had to get a new one too even though hers was only a few years old, the silly woman had to use her super to do it.

As a child she thrived on me being sick, sometimes i wonder if it was munchausen (sp) by proxy as I was always at the dr's having scans, tests for who knows what. Turns out it was most likely lactose intolerance that I worked out pretty quickly after I moved out.

I see that she is latching onto my SIL now as I have little contact. She takes SIL to the dr pays her medical bills and try's to talk to me about her problems. My brother still let's her control his life and he can see he has the same traits, very little guilt and can lie so easily.

[*Sparklez*]

ok im back

wow you ladies, we all have alot more in common than i think we ever realised, shame its on this note that we can somewhat connect..
some of you have read my posts on my mum, throughout my BB experience but they are only tiny specs on a huge flower that hit home..

My mum has always been the queen, the counsellor, the financier, the homemaker, the single mother etc etc etc.. i could go on but i really cant be bothered with the names she calls herself..
Everything my whole life has been about what she is, what she has sacrifised, what she had to do to finance me, what she had tried to do to protect me blah blah blah
Thing is she never once raised me, she left me to go party and use drugs, and have her teenage life, wasnt till she was preg with my brother that she even bothered to come and get me, and till my nan threatened legal custody that she made her tracks to my nans house..
I was raped by my dads brother when i was 6, and when she found out, she was yelling and crying saying "how could he do this to me?, why would he violate my property?"
Now being 6 yrs old i was just a child, i was forced to give a step by step encounter, forced into 3 yrs of constant counselling, and was made to tell my family members how i felt and what happened. When it happened again 10 months later by a drug addicts friend who was staying at my mums i didnt bother telling her, still havent, i could only imagine what she would do..
I grew up with, your exaclty like your father and his family, you ruined my life, i could be away vacationing right now, do you realise what i had to scarifise to have you in MY house?
my mum was a drug dealer for almost my whole life i was with her, and why? Cause her kids make her, She couldnt go get a job, because we wouldnt let her..
We used to get flogged with straps, wooden spoons, plastic and metal spoons, and her hands, cause we brought out the evil in her apparently,
If i didnt do as i was told, I was made to eat a bar of body soap and had to swollow it in front her.. cause ifshe didnt do it, god knows how i would be as an adult.
When it came to family outings i was always told to stay next to my nan, (always did anyway) so we didnt embarress her with our rude behaviour.
She would always ruin my bday's without fail, she would start a fight with me infront of my friends, hit me, and say that she wished i was dead, that i was nothing but an ungrateful b***h and ask my friends if they ever spoke to their mother like i did..
She would go out every weekend leave me and my bro with our 14 yr old cousin and her friends, and come home with practically the whole night club and random men, and brag about what they said attracted them to her, her drug addict friends would lie on the couch out of it, with their crap hanging out of their bag, some where even prostitutes that used to come over while they had some free time and why? cause my mum thought they needed somewone to talk too..
When it came to my sport games, she would never ever come, my friends parents used to take me, and she would never ever turn up ever, when she did, she would say "i took time out to come see you play and look at you, all sloppy, if i was the coach i would kick you off the team"
My mum thinks she is the counsellor to the stars, she thinks she fixes everyones problems, nothing she cant fix, bar her own kids, she thinks everyone looks up to her and her wise opinions and advice.
Everyones problems, she always has a "yeah i had ....' always something she has been through alsso, no one has a problem she hasnt had.
If she is invited somewhere, its "because of everything ive done for so and so.." like she is queen sheba and everyone worships her.
When i fell pregnant with my sons she told everyone how i was following in her footsteps, how im exactly like her and etc.
She also said i failed school, that i was going to be like all the other teenage mums that fail at parent hood and that i dont deserve a child, who will just be a doll to me.
When i found out isaiah was gone, she said "well your probably better off, how can i help a 16 yr old with 2 babies...
when it came to his funeral, she kept being approached by people asking if i and xh were ok and stuff, and she said "no need to worry, its not like she didnt know he was dead"
i stopped talking to her after that for a while i couldnt cope with her and my lose and having a newborn baby, all at 16, when i got back in contact with her just shy of my ds's 1st bday, she complained that i had abandoned her in her time of grief of her grandson and deprived her of ds. i just ignored it, by thrn i was pregnant again, and she went onto say, you cant replace isaiah you know. he wasnt meant to be yours, it remindss me when i has a m/c... Tuned out after the word "I"

During all this she still to this day protests that SHE raised my children, she woke up to them at night, she spent the time in hossy while ds1 had pneumonia and other issues, and when ds2 was in SCn after birth for a while, she bought their stuff etc... Complete fantasy, i wish i could sya she did anything but put me down and make me depressed.
When my XDH cheated on me, she actually sided with him, he used to come around and beat me up due to his own guilt and in front of my boys and he nearly killed me twice, once nearly stabbed me with a pen in my neck and the second time threw a car jack at me just missing my head, and her response " you have to learn top shut your mouth, havent i taught you anything?
I was living by myself with my boys at 18 nearly 19 yrs of age, and she never helped me, my nan did, when i rebelled my nan looked after those boys..
She loved my XDH cause he showeredc her with gifts that he used to throw money at her, buy her what ever she wanted take her to the pubs and clubs etc etc, But if you ever say what did I and xdh buy her, its "not her he did, it was his money, she never buys me anything"
Thats why her and my dh dont get along.
the famous lines i love more than ever NOT are :
* you owe me every cent you have for what i had to fork out for you
* your ungrateful, you never appreciate anything
* i had to give up all my hopes and dremas to be your mother (rather wished she hadnt and left me where i was)
*your nothing, you'll never be anything
* if only you had your mothers looks, you'd be gorgeous
so many more i could go on for ever
I remember when me and xdh seperated he locked me up in his house for 3 months and towards the end went overseas, and my mum came, i was about 42 kg, and im 5tft9, and i was limp on the lounge, and she walked in and started going crazy, Look at you!! why didnt you call me? how could you let yourself get like this, im going to take you to the hossy, im going to make you eat.
I had bullemia FFS, i couldnt eat!! she told the hospital i was weird, that i made myself sick, i have a good life and im throwing it down the drain cause im selfish, she has done everything she can for me..

Man i could go on and on and on about her... its not funny, some it sounds far fetched but if you grew up with me and knew my true friends you would know its no lie, that i count my blessings everyday that im not dead, that i didnt kill myself or become a complete drug addict or anything really..
No matter what she has done i know this is her, and will never change, but for me to rid her out of my life would be like i had to move to another country and change my identity she would hunt me down..

[toomanyshoes]

Totally relate to the money thing, dad use to have his will so that his mum got a 3rd and mum and I got a 3rd each but her third was for me when I was over 18.

Anyway 2 years before dad died he changed it so I got 100%, boy oh boy didn't the guilt trips start when the money came in. I "owed" her this that and everything else. I ended up giving her $50k thinking that would be the end of it, when my tax return came in which was almost $50k she expected more.....its always more I can never repay my "debt" with her.

Even now she talks about if I win the lotto how much I should give to her (usually around 25-50%) but if she wins she's going to buy me a house.......

And the looks thing, "you would be so pretty if you lost some weight like me" GGGRRRRR