ok im back

wow you ladies, we all have alot more in common than i think we ever realised, shame its on this note that we can somewhat connect..
some of you have read my posts on my mum, throughout my BB experience but they are only tiny specs on a huge flower that hit home..

My mum has always been the queen, the counsellor, the financier, the homemaker, the single mother etc etc etc.. i could go on but i really cant be bothered with the names she calls herself..
Everything my whole life has been about what she is, what she has sacrifised, what she had to do to finance me, what she had tried to do to protect me blah blah blah
Thing is she never once raised me, she left me to go party and use drugs, and have her teenage life, wasnt till she was preg with my brother that she even bothered to come and get me, and till my nan threatened legal custody that she made her tracks to my nans house..
I was raped by my dads brother when i was 6, and when she found out, she was yelling and crying saying "how could he do this to me?, why would he violate my property?"
Now being 6 yrs old i was just a child, i was forced to give a step by step encounter, forced into 3 yrs of constant counselling, and was made to tell my family members how i felt and what happened. When it happened again 10 months later by a drug addicts friend who was staying at my mums i didnt bother telling her, still havent, i could only imagine what she would do..
I grew up with, your exaclty like your father and his family, you ruined my life, i could be away vacationing right now, do you realise what i had to scarifise to have you in MY house?
my mum was a drug dealer for almost my whole life i was with her, and why? Cause her kids make her, She couldnt go get a job, because we wouldnt let her..
We used to get flogged with straps, wooden spoons, plastic and metal spoons, and her hands, cause we brought out the evil in her apparently,
If i didnt do as i was told, I was made to eat a bar of body soap and had to swollow it in front her.. cause ifshe didnt do it, god knows how i would be as an adult.
When it came to family outings i was always told to stay next to my nan, (always did anyway) so we didnt embarress her with our rude behaviour.
She would always ruin my bday's without fail, she would start a fight with me infront of my friends, hit me, and say that she wished i was dead, that i was nothing but an ungrateful b***h and ask my friends if they ever spoke to their mother like i did..
She would go out every weekend leave me and my bro with our 14 yr old cousin and her friends, and come home with practically the whole night club and random men, and brag about what they said attracted them to her, her drug addict friends would lie on the couch out of it, with their crap hanging out of their bag, some where even prostitutes that used to come over while they had some free time and why? cause my mum thought they needed somewone to talk too..
When it came to my sport games, she would never ever come, my friends parents used to take me, and she would never ever turn up ever, when she did, she would say "i took time out to come see you play and look at you, all sloppy, if i was the coach i would kick you off the team"
My mum thinks she is the counsellor to the stars, she thinks she fixes everyones problems, nothing she cant fix, bar her own kids, she thinks everyone looks up to her and her wise opinions and advice.
Everyones problems, she always has a "yeah i had ....' always something she has been through alsso, no one has a problem she hasnt had.
If she is invited somewhere, its "because of everything ive done for so and so.." like she is queen sheba and everyone worships her.
When i fell pregnant with my sons she told everyone how i was following in her footsteps, how im exactly like her and etc.
She also said i failed school, that i was going to be like all the other teenage mums that fail at parent hood and that i dont deserve a child, who will just be a doll to me.
When i found out isaiah was gone, she said "well your probably better off, how can i help a 16 yr old with 2 babies...
when it came to his funeral, she kept being approached by people asking if i and xh were ok and stuff, and she said "no need to worry, its not like she didnt know he was dead"
i stopped talking to her after that for a while i couldnt cope with her and my lose and having a newborn baby, all at 16, when i got back in contact with her just shy of my ds's 1st bday, she complained that i had abandoned her in her time of grief of her grandson and deprived her of ds. i just ignored it, by thrn i was pregnant again, and she went onto say, you cant replace isaiah you know. he wasnt meant to be yours, it remindss me when i has a m/c... Tuned out after the word "I"

During all this she still to this day protests that SHE raised my children, she woke up to them at night, she spent the time in hossy while ds1 had pneumonia and other issues, and when ds2 was in SCn after birth for a while, she bought their stuff etc... Complete fantasy, i wish i could sya she did anything but put me down and make me depressed.
When my XDH cheated on me, she actually sided with him, he used to come around and beat me up due to his own guilt and in front of my boys and he nearly killed me twice, once nearly stabbed me with a pen in my neck and the second time threw a car jack at me just missing my head, and her response " you have to learn top shut your mouth, havent i taught you anything?
I was living by myself with my boys at 18 nearly 19 yrs of age, and she never helped me, my nan did, when i rebelled my nan looked after those boys..
She loved my XDH cause he showeredc her with gifts that he used to throw money at her, buy her what ever she wanted take her to the pubs and clubs etc etc, But if you ever say what did I and xdh buy her, its "not her he did, it was his money, she never buys me anything"
Thats why her and my dh dont get along.
the famous lines i love more than ever NOT are :
* you owe me every cent you have for what i had to fork out for you
* your ungrateful, you never appreciate anything
* i had to give up all my hopes and dremas to be your mother (rather wished she hadnt and left me where i was)
*your nothing, you'll never be anything
* if only you had your mothers looks, you'd be gorgeous
so many more i could go on for ever
I remember when me and xdh seperated he locked me up in his house for 3 months and towards the end went overseas, and my mum came, i was about 42 kg, and im 5tft9, and i was limp on the lounge, and she walked in and started going crazy, Look at you!! why didnt you call me? how could you let yourself get like this, im going to take you to the hossy, im going to make you eat.
I had bullemia FFS, i couldnt eat!! she told the hospital i was weird, that i made myself sick, i have a good life and im throwing it down the drain cause im selfish, she has done everything she can for me..

Man i could go on and on and on about her... its not funny, some it sounds far fetched but if you grew up with me and knew my true friends you would know its no lie, that i count my blessings everyday that im not dead, that i didnt kill myself or become a complete drug addict or anything really..
No matter what she has done i know this is her, and will never change, but for me to rid her out of my life would be like i had to move to another country and change my identity she would hunt me down..