Aw hun it's a difficult position to be in.

Some men, i'd say most but certainly not all, express emotional closeness and experience emotional closeness best through sex. As my DP will say when we're in bed, nothing says "i love you" like a blow job! (though i happen to agree on that front :P) I know that's not how most women think, we'd like a cuddle, thoughful gifts or actions, and to hear the words, but to men it is an incredibly loving action. Many of our guys have been raised not to cry, hug, touch one another (i mean hold hands or generally touch in affection - squeeze an arm, rub a shoulder etc.) and for them sex is the one realm where they can let go emotionally and retain their masculinity. Us girls however are raised to hug and kiss and not to regard sex like that (older virgins "saved" themselves rather than "deprived" themselves, men who have a lot of sex are admired, women who do the same are admonished) and so though we usually enjoy sex as adults, it feels to us like icing on the cake of love. For men it is the cake, hugs and kisses which are in passing rather than in foreplay, are the icing.

So then we have an incredibly common problem. A woman who feels tired and busy finds it hard to get into the right headspace for sex. Finding it so difficult, her libido drops a little. The man feels unloved by this drop in lovemaking and withdraws peripheral affection a little (because that's the less important bit to him, just as the sex is the less important bit to her) - less hugs maybe? But he steps up his direct loving - by coming onto her and expressing his need for more sex. Then SHE feels unloved by this and gets in the mood even less. When he tries to be loving it's by coming on to her, she feels he's only interested in sex, and so on.

What's the answer? Well, i guess everyone needs to take affection, whatever form it comes in, in the spirit it is intended. Which means he needs to realise your hugs are loving and you need to remember his lust is too.

I really think for men sex is incredibly bonding and not a bonus but a necessity in a loving relationship. I'm not saying you should have sex when you don't want to! Far from it, but just that his eagerness to have sex with you is about his love for you, and not about a selfish need to get his rocks off, kwim? Reassure him that you love him and tell him that you're feeling less like doing it and that he can help you by being affectionate without pressuring you. A massage and a bath and lots of kisses and cuddles are going to be bonding even if you don't end up having sex.

Bx