I think that just like parenthood, people are all different in their own relationships and have to work out their own boundaries and what works for them. I don't think that blanket rules can apply to everyone and every relationship.

To be honest, I actually don't buy the whole 'men need to have sex' I agree that most want to, but I don't think they need to. I think we bring men up in a culture with an idea that they have a higher sex drive and we tell them how they should be about sex and I think we predispose their minds to work like that and tell them its okay by stereoptying them to think that all they think about is sex. I think society educates them to the point that they think they have no self control when it comes to sex and a lot end up viewing women as sex on a stick. RR - I don't think this is what you are encouraging in your post at all and I don't believe that you think like this, but it is an observation of the way that society works. My family is very misogynistic and my brothers have been brought up to think like this and even mum tries to influence me to think like that.

I think sex can be very liberating for women - owning and enjoying your own sex life can be very powerful. I think this whole issue really needs to be about women having sex after a baby because they want to, because they are liberated to and being very careful that they aren't doing it because there is pressure to conform to societal norms of being a 'good wife/partner'. It also comes down a lot to the trust and respect in that relationship. I feel very safe with my DH because he is considerate, he is aware of me, we talk about sex and I know that anytime that I want to stop, or I feel uncomfortable, I can. I don't know that all women feel like that in their relationships and that is why I think the rules for different relationships have to be different and people have to work out what they are comfortable with.

Having said all that, for me personally - sex has always been an important part of my relationship with my DH. We talk about it a lot and he never pressures me into anything - though he does let me know in a respectful way that he wants to have sex again after we have had a baby. After our first baby, we waited 6 weeks. I had second degree tearing and I was quite traumatised by the whole birth. It was scary having sex again and although I wanted to, my body tensed up in fear. Together we worked it out, but it did take a lot of patience on his part. I can understand that not all partners would be that patient and it could be very scary for some women.

My last 3 births (one vaginal with no tearing and 2 c/sections) we have waited a lot less time. We have always had a very active sex life though and that has not changed after we had babies.

I do see your point Rory and I think on many levels it is a valid one but I also think there are lots of other factors that have to be taken into consideration. I often read threads about couple who don't have sex for a really long time and wonder how they do it but like parenting, every family is different and what works for one works differently for another because we are all working with different personalities and issues.