i think this topic is always going to be controversial and there will always be people at polar ends of the opinion spectrum - which is fine. i get the feeling the OP was simply suggesting that not having a physically intimate relationship just because it seems too hard at any given time could be akin to cutting off your nose to spite your face. if you say no, not tonight, out of habit, it can become very much a habit that is hard to break. no one is telling anyone that they should take one for the team - more a suggestion to think about WHY you are saying no. is there an underlying reason within your relationship that is causing you to not want that level of contact??

there have been numerous "i don't feel supported" type comments - and, without saying this is the case in any of the relationships mentioned, i wonder if some of the lack of support is because both parties are struggling. One person feeling unsupported as SAHP and their needs are not being met (in terms of dishes or whatever other assistance they need), the other not feeling met on a physical or emotional intimacy level. it then becomes a viscious cycle of "if s/he can't do this for me, i can't do that for them". i know i've said it jokingly to my DH - if you do this, i'll do that for you. but it's not always a joke - it can be a serious thing, and the cycle can lead to a point where it's a habit just too hard to break.

as previously mentioned, i am the one with the higher libido in our relationship. significantly higher. I am the working parent, i come home, and no, my partner doesn't do all that would probably be expected of a SAHP, so on my days off, i am playing catch up. I have a daughter who still feeds from me morning and night (at least), as well as at least once over night. If i am home, she will also ask to be fed before her day sleep, and almost every night she asks to be fed at least once between me getting home from work, and dinner. This week, she has woken so many times that you can essentially say my sleep has been solid from 11 to 12.30, and then very broken the rest of the night. Anyway - as you can imagine, i am exhausted. to the point that, today, i am home, have given up the opportunity to have a massage to treat a back injury, and am sitting in my PJ's because i don't even have the energy to get dressed. But I have made more of an effort this week than many weeks previously, to reconnect physically with my DH. I KNOW I'm tired. HE knows I'm tired. He respects that. But i don't want to let "life" take over and for us to lose the emotional connection that comes from the physical act. it lays us both bare and exposes the vulnerabilities and allows us to cuddle afterwards and just talk - we can talk about our day, and about our wants and needs of each other. yes, we talk other times, but it's hard to really communicate when we have a toddler running around kwim?? It's not a case of me putting out and expecting X in return from him. it's not a case of him doing X so that i will put out. it's purely about US, and OUR relationship.

I will be one to step up and say that i think it's a bit harsh calling on Ailish and essentially telling her to come back when she has a six month old to see how she feels. it's seems rude and condescending to imply that she is essentially clueless because she doesn't have children yet. She has ideals - the same ideals I had. it got to a point when we were TTC that sex was just for the sperm deposit - and it can be just as damaging to a relationship as anything else. it was sex for sperm. it wasn't intimacy. so i get where she is coming from. funny thing is, i shared Ailish' ideals - that having a baby wouldn't change our sexual relationship. It did - but it was for the better. Sex now is for us. not for a sperm deposit. we're not doing it because we feel we have to, we're doing it because we want to. Last night, things started, and i was totally exhausted so i simply said "sorry babe, i can't tonight". He kissed me, held me, and we fell asleep together. there was no huffing or grumping because he knew it was genuine exhaustion and he accepted it.

our relationship is different now to pre-DD - there is no doubt - but we have made a conscious effort to deal with the changes and to put our energy into making our relationship priority. our house may not be perfectly organised all the time. there may be folding to be done or a load of washing that we need to catch up on - but that isn't as important to US as maintaining our relationship.