A relationship is a relationship, and sex is only part of that, it is not what makes a relationship. There's a lot of other stuff that goes on in a relationship.
No, you don't. You never will. There is ALWAYS more than what is reported, a dynamic that is going on separate from what others see. Lots of people close to DP and I didn't know we were in trouble two years ago. They would not have known that I was wanting him to leave. And ya know what? We were having sex. It wasn't saving us, let me tell ya that much! So, please don't define your own relationship by what you believe was missing from someone else's failed one.my husband would never cheat either, but ive seen what a sexless marriage is like with my friends and family. and i know whats happened.
Now, really, good for you (in the nice way!) if you have a very considerate partner who will accept a 'can we just snuggle tonight' and not get into a huff. That's great. It's great if you have lots of sex, and great that you don't know what the others of us are talking about. I don't want to take that away from you.
What I AM wanting to do is say that telling us that not putting out is why we're unhappy with our relationships is misguided. I don't WANT you to know what it's like to just want to be held, after a day (and night) of breastfeeding two children, teaching them how to navigate their world, keep a place tidy (because DP doesn't seem to notice or offer to change the fact that the floor inside looks like the ground outside), keep everyone fed to their taste, clothes clean, bills paid, activities attended, appointments made, fridge full with very little contribution for those things (yes, yes, he works so we can have those things...and he gets to clock off, so bite me) AND a grown person having a near tanty because you just want some friggin personal space...and if not complete isolation, then a recharging, love-infusing snuggle that says "geez, you work hard, you hardly have any time to yourself, if this snuggle is all you want for now I'll give you that and let you know I don't just want you near me so I can park my penis in you after the lights go out".
Yeah? Yeah.
ETA: And another thing - what's it to you (no-one specific, just those of you who think I'm not trying enough) if I don't give my partner the kind of sex you believe we should be having? If it means that much to you, then come over and give him some. Didn't think so! We're not telling you that you 'should' be too fed up with your workload and fatigue levels to have sex, no-one is 'shoulding' you, because we are aware that your relationship has other factors that enable more enjoyment and availability of nice sex, and that's great. It is no-one's place to say "well, you're not physically traumatised from birth, so you have no excuses" about my own situation of not having much sex.
I have a very energetic and engaged 4.5yo who takes up more energy than most mums I know want or have to put into their own children. Once he's in bed my body goes into a holding pattern. That may not be you. I don't care. It's me. I don't answer to you. If I post something here on BB about my relationship and you know that I don't have sex every night, I do not want you to then tell me it's my fault I'm having issues because i won't put out. Because, chances are, that's not the crux of the problem.
If you know of a relationship that isn't that great and you also know that they don't have much sex, the best conclusion you can draw from that is that "there is something else going on, the no sex is just a symptom, not the cause".
We're in the process of coming out of some tough years, being where we didn't want to be and not being in a position to go where we wanted to, and seriously in danger of ending up apart. Intercourse frequency was and is not our problem.
And boy, do I remember eating humble pie about my assumptions, not just when the kids came along and changed my world view, but even during pregnancy I changed my mind on things! Didn't think I'd be a co-sleeper, full term breastfeeder, EC'er...lots of things change, and there's no shame in saying "Now I know differently". The louder you bleat about things you're convinced about, in the arrogance of ignorance (as I say, I had this arrogance, too!), the harder it is to back up the truck
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