A question for those who are done having kids but didn't have as many as they planned

[toomanyshoes]

If your done with having kids but didn't end up with as many as you planned/hoped/dream how did you get over wanting more? What was the reason for not having as many as planned? Do you regret it? Would you consider more in 5-10 years time?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I've not gotten over it yet, I just learn to live with being constantly miserable, incomplete and longing for the family that I always wanted. Although we're currently planning to TTC #2 at the end of the year, I can see that being postponed until I've finished the menopause (DH is putting postponement noises out already, has been for a few months). Yes, I'd consider more in 5-10 years' time. I'd always consider more. Age gaps aren't as important as actually having children for me to love and screw up.

DH is also against adoption, fostering or me donating eggs.

[blessedatlast]

I'm done having kids.. Not by choice though.. I think I am going to have to work very hard to accept it. I have felt so incomplete my whole life but now I have one baby, I'm still a Mother, it's time to be happy. If I don't work on that I will be miserable for the rest of my life and I don't think that's fair on the son I do have..

If I ever got the opportunity to have more (meaning I could afford a surrogate) Then Yes I would definitely have more kids.. Even if I was much older, I don't think I'd say no..

[kateo]

I'm a mother to my gorgeous Angel Ellen and my happy smiley little DS. I am going to be 44 in a couple of months and since our first pregnancy took 8 years of trying I imagine my DS will be my only earthside bubba.
In DH's words another pregnancy "would be way too stressful". I agree it would be but I'd do it for another chance at a bubba.
I have to accept I am very lucky to have my 7month old little fellow and my darling angel girl. I also accept that it's not just me but the affect another bubba would have on our family might be tough.
I guess I'm done but I'd love another one to fill my arms to overflowing.
I think like wishing my angel was here I think I'll go to my grave wishing I had more beautiful babies.

[anney]

I wanted more but had to accept only one because of my age. I do feel lucky to even have her as I have many friends that would love to have a child. I am not sure that accept is the right word actually but I agree with BAL that you have to be happy for what you have, not miserable for what you don't have. I struggle with it more for dd's sake as now she is older, she misses having a sibling but when she was young it did not bother her.

[Miss.B]

I have had 3 pg, but have only one DS here earth side. We will try again for a sibling for DS, but if we don't succeed (I'm getting on at almost 42) then yes, I will feel incomplete as I always imagined myself with at least 2, but preferably with 3 kids here on earth. I do feel very blessed to have my beautiful DS, but the craving to have more is very strong. I didn't meet my partner till I was 35, so time was never on my side.

[Loveinamist]

I would have loved DS to have a sibling but circumstances mean he won't. Just separated from DH, am 38 this year and it took 7 years and IVF to conceive DS, so my prospects of another child are very slim. I am just counting myself lucky I got my baby at all and making sure that I socialise alot so DS gets to play with other kids. I am sort of resigned to it now but something just won't let me get rid of my lovely newborn MCNs 'just in case'! LOL!

[BhoysGirl]

I always hoped for 3, but have mostly accepted that I will just have the 2. Part of me is sad that I don't have a daughter, and that I'll only ever get to be a "MIL", but hopefully I'll turn out to be one of the better MILS DH is adamant that he doesn't want any more, think he's over the sleep issues we have, but it's also a bit of a financial consideration. I'm also in my 40s, and having been blessed with two healthy happy boys, not sure that I'd want to risk the potential complications of having a 3rd at my age. Also, they'd probably never let me try for a VBA2C, even the thought of that battle exhausts me . I think that it will become something I think of less as the kids grow older and we leave all the baby/toddler stuff behind. I guess one of my compensating factors is that I'm studying to become an ABA counsellor, and I also teach music to preschoolers, so that's a nice way to get a dose of babies & little people

[Aussiegirl777]

Originally I wasn't fussed if I didn't have any children. Then very late into my 30's my biological clock kicked in. After alot of emotional turmoil we have a beautiful DS. I always said that if I was lucky enough to take him home and he was healthy I would feel very blessed with 1. And I do. I'm 42 now and I wish I had of come to my senses earlier but life is what it is and this is my path. DS will be an only child and overall I am happy and grateful to have been lucky enough to have him in our family. DP would love to try for another but I don't think it's the right thing for us.

[Early Kids]

I'd love to have another child, but we are done. Two is enough for us. I just can't do pregnancy, 5 pregnancies 2 earth babies and none at full term. My body sucks at carrying babies. I don't think I'll ever get over the idea of not having any more, but I am getting on with things and cherishing the babies I have now. It's always going to be in the back of my mind.... but I think mine is more an urge to have a full term baby, to know what it's like to not have your baby taken away and to leave hospital a few days after birth with your baby in arms. I don't know, all I know is it will never happen for us, I had my tubes tied.

[toomanyshoes]

Thanks for answering ladies, I really appreciate it.

I feel like I have 100 reasons to have/want another baby and 100 reasons not to. I'm 29 in June and I know a lot of people would say that's young but I never saw myself having kids in my 30's and DH in 35 in May.

I don't think my sanity will last another 9-12 months of TTC but I know if I don't have another now it will never happen.

I have this overwhelming feeling I should be happy with what I have(which I am) and leave it at that.

Sorry for the rambling

[PinkPalace]

We originally wanted 4.
after no.1 we decided that 2 will be best for our situation and financial reasons,

we do not regret it at all , we have said if we wanted more children downt he track we would adopt (as we cant have any more now)

[grub17]

hi toomany,
we have recently decided to stop baby making We had DS and DD within 18 months of one another (took bleeting 5 yrs to get DS and then bam! DD wasn't muckin' about!) so while I always wanted 4 kids and lots of love in my house, I have accepted DH's wise counsel that that is not our path in life.
Part of me still wishes for those extra babies. We have one egg left even. But I've come to peace with the fact that i hate being pregnant (love having babies tho) and my body hasn't been mine for 6 years of pregnancy, breastfeeding, drugs, operations, ivf etc
I'm going to be selfish and declare myself done. Can't keep giving to extra little people and to the ones we have already create.
throw on top of that a touch of PND following DDs arrival, prolapse and the fact my last baby was 10lb 3 born in 3 hrs with no tears (would i have a 15lb bub in 15 mins next time? lol)
so i'm sad but i'm realistic.
done. and in love with what i've got.
excited to the future.

[Freya]

Thanks for answering ladies, I really appreciate it.

I feel like I have 100 reasons to have/want another baby and 100 reasons not to. I'm 29 in June and I know a lot of people would say that's young but I never saw myself having kids in my 30's and DH in 35 in May.

I don't think my sanity will last another 9-12 months of TTC but I know if I don't have another now it will never happen.

I have this overwhelming feeling I should be happy with what I have(which I am) and leave it at that.

Sorry for the rambling

Im in a similar position TMS. At this rate to have another baby we'll be trying well into our 30's and in common sense land it seems redudant to grow the boys we have up and then start again. As well as the HUGE age gap. So Ive said if Im not pregnant by mid next year we are done, even if we still want if that makes sense? There comes a point where reason has to win out

I dont know how to reconcile being done when your not complete; I think its hard to do so when the decision is completely out of your hands. Your well within your rights to never be 100% ok with it. I know I never will if we dont have another baby.

[RhiChiChi]

Definately a tough decision but one that was taken out of our hands. I would have liked more children but we are very fortunate and blessed to be pg with a second after ttc over 3 years and various different AI. We have one embryo on ice but DH says he doesn't want another one :-( I always thought I'd be ok with two I kept telling myself that I just want another bubs but the prospect of a potential baby waiting for us (after this one is born) is on my mind. DH will be 41 this year with me turning 36. I just can't see another baby being fitted in - I've got 7 months for this one to come along then how long do I wait to consider (if DH will even agree) to seeing if our frostie will result in a baby? I am resigning myself that I will probably donate our frostie to someone.

((hugs))

[mrscricket]

We are done too. 3 kids is enough for us but I do feel a little robbed that I don't get to be pregnant again. My heart aches a little when I look at the girls baby stuff. I loved being pregnant with them, and would love to be again but it's possibly selfish because I think 4 kids would be a big strain on us, emotionally and financially.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I will just add - I'm not a moping mamma. I'm just unfulfilled. DH and I agreed to 3 children before we married. I had planned to have my family done before 30, but that has been and gone. And yes, I am a little upset that I won't be as young for future children, that nights will take it out of me more, that I'll be older for my grandchildren too, that I may not know all my great grandchildren. But the age part of my plan I'm OK with it not working out. The lack of children thing I'm really not happy about.

But I am not going to lie and say "oh well, I'll just be happy" knowing that I have a gaping hole in my life. This constant feeling of missing an important part of myself. No matter how much I enjoy my son (and I do), no matter how much fun I have with him - I know that I need two more children. I would like even more, but for me, a minimum of 3 children was always how I saw my family. If DS was able to be very close to his cousins maybe I would feel less like this, but maybe not. For me it isn't not being pregnant again (although I adored pregnancy) or not getting to give birth, it's not even getting the baby clothes out and re-using the cloth nappies, it's not having the family I always knew I should have and have always wanted.

[Rach75]

I always wanted 3 kids and though I do have 3 only 2 are earth side I feel like alittle piece of me is not complete hubby is adament no more kids I'd love to give it a try just till end of year if we didn't get pg then so be it... we started trying when we were 26 and 27 3 mths before we turned 27 and 28... we had 1 loss before we had Katy at 28 and 29 took us 3 yrs and another 2 losses before we had Jack, and another loss and 3 more years for Luke... so realisticaly the chances are slim but I'd like to give it a go but Jase thinks we are too old