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Thread: Do you let your Mother/MIL smack your Children?

  1. #19

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    AWESOME Nelle I think thats the whole point, its not about whether you would smack or not, its about whether you are comfortable with it or not that needs to be addressed. And for me to answer that question, I wouldn't allow anyone to do anything to or with my child if I were not comfortable with it, no matter what the relationship was.



    Nelle stop being so awesome or my head might explode

  2. #20
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    My having come from an abusive Mother ... as a child i would be slapped across the face, smacked in the mouth, hair pulled & her long hard finger nails dug into my wrist until they bleed ... Yes, then there was plain old smacking ... So, to ask would i or my Mum or MIL smack my beautiful & precious daughter whom is now nearly 3 who took me 2.5years to conceive ... no way would i let alone anyone else punish her or discipline her through physical hurt or emotional fear over another way/form of doing so ... that's just me & i wouldn't judge another parent for their actions as we ALL have our different ways of parenting and reasons for smacking or not smacking (as Nelle mentioned earlier) ... but for me to ' allow ' my Mum or MIL to smack my DD it would be unthinkable for me, would shatter me as a Mother
    Last edited by smiles4u; April 21st, 2009 at 12:15 AM.

  3. #21

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nelle View Post
    I say generally because I am close to my parents and inlaws, and have told them they can smack if my child deliberately behaves dangerously after being told not to (eg, lets go of a hand in a carpark and runs, shoves things into a powerpoint), because to me, that is not a lesson that can wait til mum and dad come to get them. I also expect to be told when this happens (not often at all, because a grandparent growl is more effective than a parent growl), and called if they're unsure about anything. We're still the boss, the grandparents are just our discipline henchmen.
    This is actually an aspect of our agreement with inlaws/grandparents.. when i posted earlier i just couldn't think of the best way to explain it. Anything i typed looked wrong so i didn't bother lol. But how you have put it, is exactly how and why we will allow smacking by them ONLY for those reason's... cause as you said, some lesson's need to be learnt then and there and are too important to worry about who's!

    But i also agree, smacking is not for everyone at all and neither is right or wrong!

    We are all doing the best we can with what we have!


  4. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by smiles4u View Post
    My having come from an abusive Mother ... as a child i would be slapped across the face, smacked in the mouth, hair pulled & her long hard finger nails dug into my wrist until they bleed ... Yes, then there was plain old smacking ... So, to ask would i or my Mum or MIL smack my beautiful & precious daughter whom is now nearly 3 who took me 2.5years to conceive ... no way would i let alone anyone else punish her or discipline her through physical hurt or emotional fear over another way/form of doing so ... that's just me & i wouldn't judge another parent for their actions as we ALL have our different ways of parenting and reasons for smacking or not smacking (as Nelle mentioned earlier) ... but for me to ' allow ' my Mum or MIL to smack my DD it would be unthinkable for me, would shatter me as a Mother
    yeh, that, wot she said

    smiles4u - i think you are my twin, your mum sounds like my mum

  5. #23

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    I don't smack, because I don't need to (and DS loves having his bum hit). If ANYONE, no matter who, EVER hit my child for WHATEVER reason then I'd wallop them one. And I have a mean left hook.

    My parents smacked, but they were the only ones allowed to do so. My mother's little sister is a prize one, she really is, and she hit me once. My Dad saw and walloped her back. That's the stance I would take regardless of if I smacked or not.

    Mum wouldn't smack anyway, she's seen how other methods work (both with me when I was little and with DS) so knows it isn't needed. MiL... chance would be a fine thing! She doesn't like DS (or me, or whatever, I'm beyond caring) so never sees him so I don't know what her policy would be if she ever responded to our begging for her to play with DS for up to half an hour as I am physically unable. FiL does if I'm hospitalised and is great with DS, but it is for VERY short periods of time only and DS is very well-behaved with him as he doesn't know him too well.

  6. #24

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    both my mother and MIL have smacked (lightly) my children. I can't stand it. I dn't know why I can't stand anyone else disciplining my kids. My own mum is ok.. but when MIL does it I get my back up.

    I drew the line when she smacked my 9 month old DD cus she grabbed her glasses. poor DD who had never had a smack before (due to her young age) just cried and cried. I took her and said.. Well wasn't that just a bit mean and walked off..

    I try to limit smacking in the house but sometimes we use it.. We use it heaps less then we used to.. We find now just saying.. right get to your room is enough..

    but in answering the actual question.. Yes my Mother and MIL have smacked my children.. I don't like it and if I felt it wasn't neccessary I say so..

  7. #25

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    We dont smack, and if ANYONE layed a hand on any of my children, I'd knock them out!! (does that sound a little hypocritical?!)

    My kids spend time with their grandparents, and I expect them to "parent" them the way we do. And they do, which is great.

  8. #26

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    To my knowledge, my MIL has never smacked my children, perhaps a tap on the hand if DD was doing something dangerous when she was younger and used to stay with MIL while I worked. If FIL EVER laid a hand on either of my children, it would be the last time he was ever near them. He has a foul temper and DH has told me some horrible stories about being belted as a child.

    My mum has smacked my DD and oh boy did that cause issues! We do very occasionally smack DD but like others have said, only as a last resort and we're doing it less and less as we see it has little effect for her. Time out is a much more effective method.

    DS is only 17 months and if anyone laid a hand on him, I'd be livid.

  9. #27

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    No - Grandparents are not allowed to smack - amazingly some aunties think that they should discipline my DD1 when out.....they also have unrealistic expectations of her. Funnily Nanny only has to raise an eyebrow and a perfect toddler reappears - we love Nanny!!!!!

    As a side note - once threatened with a smack Missy replied with 'Snack? Yes give me a snack......' nuff said!

  10. #28

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    no i dont. We smack but its only as a very last thing. i dont think my mum would smack my son even if i said it was alright same for MIL.

  11. #29

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    We don't smack at all, ever, under any circumstances.

    DS spends time with both sets of grandparents and we totally trust that they generally parent our DS the same way we do. Lucky us! There has been the odd occasion (when we have been there and observed) where they have over or under reacted to a situation, but it was not such a serious departure from our own parenting that we would have said something, but if it was then we would have for sure.

  12. #30

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    I dont smack and never would, so obviously I would not ever want anyone to smack my beautiful daughter. There are better methods for discipline and I do not feel physical punishment is the answer. My daughter is well behaved anyway and generally knows the limits, but when she crosses them she has to sit in time out, which she is happy to do. I would be absolutely horrified if someone else smacked my daughter. That person would not be left alone in the same room as my daughter any time soon. I would not under any circumstance "allow" someone else to smack her either.

  13. #31

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    WOW!

    I am quite suprised by the response!

    I honestly thought that most people would be like me and not have a big issues with them smacking the kids. It seems I was completely wrong!

    You've all definately made me think twice about the issue thats for sure!

  14. #32

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    Was just thinking...Someone mentioned (can't remeber who) other famliy members smacking them as children.

    This bring up another issue for me. As a child I was smacked by a lot of different people. Uncles, auties, family friends etc. Makes me wonder if this is the reason for my blazeness when it comes to smacking.

    HOWEVER..I would definately not let anyone else smack the girls. And just like most of you, if anyone smacked my girls they would really regret it!

  15. #33

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    Regardless of whether DP and I chose to smack our children (we don't, but that's not the issue) nobody else would ever EVER be permitted to do so. For my child to think I *gave* permission to someone else to treat them in a way that makes them uncomfortable or upsets them gives me the shudders.

    My Mum knows my take on discipline and is way too respectful of my parenting decisions to go against what I do. She smacked us as kids and occasionally smacks her own young child (not biological) and I don't say anything to her about that. That's her choice. I wouldn't smack her child, not even if she told me I could.

    My MIL would be the more likely to smack but due to our history with her she has never been left alone with DD. With their current relationship she wouldn't, but only because she wouldn't dare cross us.

    TBH this is the same as many, many things - what decisions are your parents/ILs able to make wrt what your children are fed, where they go, etc, etc. If they don't respect your position on parenting and realise what the boundaries are, how supportive are they to you and your family in general?

  16. #34

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    I wasn't brought up in a violent household, neither was DP.. We were both smacked as kids but only as a last resort, which I think is how we disipline too.. (I don't have any live biological kids, but my partner has a son and I have been on the scene since he was 12 months old and yes I disipline him..) So I wouldn't have an issue with either my mum or DP's parents smacking.. I would trust if they did we would have done the same had we been there.. I don't think they would though anyway.. My mum lives interstate so I am sure her grankids would appear perfect as she would hardly see them and DP's parents are soft as!!

  17. #35

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    If my mum smacked either DD it would be for a very good reason, like Nelle said, if they were behaving dangerously or were seriously out of line. I trust my mum with the girls and we have a similar approach to discipline with the same rules. Having said that, she has never smacked DD as DD behaves MUCH better for other people than she does for us *sigh*

    MIL would also never smack as she is waaaay too soft and indulgent. The girls could get away with murder and MIL wouldn't bat an eyelid.

  18. #36

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    Not if I or DH are there and can deal with it. However - I am not about to leave my kids with my poor mum and tell her she cant touch them and has to let them run rings around her! That would be completely insane - they'd do it too if they didn't think that they would get into real trouble for doing it!! Same with any of my family that watch our kids on the very very VERY rare occassion DH and I let them talk us into it.

    Its not that we don't trust them - its that we don't feel right leaving them with 5 kids that are entirely our responsibility! They already do so much and have their own kids too.

    That said I am very much like my mother when it comes to raising the kids and smacking is only something done when the child has placed themselves or someone else in immediate risk of harm. Her philosophy - which I agree with - is that it is better to learn it is not something they should do from a smack on the hand/bum, rather than a hospital bed.

    Obviously, as my siblings were all raised in the same house they have absolutely no excuse to not know my preferences with raising my kids, and they all respect it. In fact - none of them have a harder stance on discapline. A couple of them are non-smackers.

    I guess really it doesnt worry me as much as others possibly because my family - as dysfunctional as it looks to everyone else - is an amazing cohesive unit that is beyond any village. You would need to live as a part of it to understand how despite having "our own families" now - its really all just an extension of the family unit we already had. Kind of hard to explain really.

    My MIL wouldn't even try to smack them. She rarely sees them (chooses to ensure her yearly visit is while they are at school) so its irrelevent - but I would probably object to it because she is more Truby where as my mum is Spockian. If you are going to smack a child - at least have empathy with them!

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