Well I'm about to have my first kid and wasn't sure what to do about my alcoholic father. I wanted my kid to have a grandfather and was kind of thinking maybe I could just put up with him for the sake of the kid and then he'd probably die before the kid would be old enough to realise Grandpa had issues. Very cynical I know!
Instead for the first time ever I spoke to my dad about alcohol and called him on his behaviour. Said that he was welcome to be a part of our lives and see his grandson when he arrives, but it had to be sober. He was not to drink around me. Then I told him that he said mean and horrid things drunk and it just was awful.
It was a long shot - but he turned up with a bunch of flowers on my door step, told me he loved me and was sorry for any hurt caused. I mean, that doesn't cure 31 years of crap parenting, but he stayed sober the entire time he visited. And then asked if he could come back once every two weeks for the night. And so far...no drinking. Gradually I've started to relax around him and he's been busy helping me around the house. It's kinda like a truce and we eat takeaway and watch TV together and I'm quite proud of him for trying. My sister found out that is was going okay so agreed to meet him too - the day before her own first child was born. And then she's let him meet her child now and we took photos of him and the kid and had a family morning or it with no issue. Amazing.
So I've my fingers crossed for you - but in my situation I'd have no doubts of telling my Dad to stay away if he was drunk again.
Kawazuki- I think that is my plan thus far, although finding the right time is the hard bit at the moment. Thats so funny that you're in moss vale! we've just moved from there! Since march we had been in mittagong staying with DH's folks, Dh was working in moss vale. We couldnt find a house down there and Dhs work kept on stuffing us around so we've moved to Cessnock. But we head back down that way quite often so I may just take you up on that offer one day!
I havent talked to a dr about it all, mainly because of moving and not having a dr at the moment; but for me I really need to trust anyone before I can confess this sort of stuff.
Tellytubby- Part of the reason that I stopped the contact was because I didnt want to expose my family to it any longer, thats why Im finding it hard to make a decision as to what to do. I dont want to expose them to it any longer, yet I dont want to end it all together
Sweet Bliss- I do love her unconditionally. That being said though, I love her because she is my mum, I do not respect and love the person that she is. if that makes sense. What you are doing with your mum is exactly what I have been doing with my mum, and its hard. DH and I have done so much for her, and he is so supportive with every aspect of this. He's put up with it for 9yrs, and the other day after the phone call with my bro that he actually said something!
You are an amazing person for wat you are doing and I am so glad that it is all going so well!
Bathsheba- Thank you; I will have a look at the sticky after this. I know the anger is about them and not me, its just hard not to personalise it i think.
Tecopa- I am so happy for you! Unfortuantely I already have done that one, calling her out on it all and the worse thing is, is that she doesnt seem to have any issues with her drinking problem and when DD was born I asked her what she wanted to DD to call her and she said 'the naughty nanny'. In other words the one who doesnt play by the rules, is the one who gets into trouble and all that stuff!!
Thank you all again, I think that I am going to call her, and I suppose the sooner the better. The past tells me that when I tell her what has been going on and how I feel, i know it will start a fight; but at least then I will have told her how I feel, yet if I say nothing then I am still in the same position as I am now, and open to further upsets by them in the future..
Good luck sweetie. There is no right or wrong in your situation, and I am thinking of you. You really do have to follow your own instincts and put your family first. Just state your case on the phone, calmly if you can, and the rest is up to her. It is so hard when you end up having to Mother your own Mother. I know you love your Mum sweet, because otherwise it wouldn't be so hard for you. And the other thing I wanted to stress is please, please, please don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you have your life to live too. At least we have both learnt valuable lessons on how to be Mothers ourselves, even if we have learnt the hard way. I hope things can work out for you, and please try and take some time for yourself, because you deserve it, and you also deserve to enjoy every minute of meeting your new miracle and your gorgeous child!
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