Feeling weird because I DON'T want another...

[Cherished]

Hi goddessofdawn, we have a beautiful little boy and my DH doesn't want another baby. Some will remember me posting about this and I was shattered, absolutely heart broken, I thought my perfect life was over. 18 months on and I am feeling pretty happy with just one! You've stated some really good benefits to having one child and after focusing on all the positives I have been able to feel like DS will have a great future as an only child if things pan out that way. He will go to a great school, overseas holidays, go on lots of play dates, be able to enjoy his own company (something which many adults struggle with), he can do activities and I can always watch or be a part of them, I will be able to get involved with his school and probably what I like the idea of most is that I can get lots of ME time while he's at school instead of my day being filled with loads of house work and cooking and general family related stuff and when DH is happily looking after him I can also have me time. I think that anyone who says negative things about it is just ignorant really, they are commenting from their view through their own filters and haven't considered the other side of the coin. Fatigue is also another major thing for me, DS still doesn't sleep through the night and although I've loved breastfeeding I think it may now be pretty draining. DH also considers our health individually and as a unit, the more people in your family, the more likelihood of disease, injury or illness which puts a toll on your family. Plus we'd like to give DS the best of everything and leave him with a large inheritance so that he doesn't have the struggle than so many people have in life, the more kids you have, the more your wealth needs to be divided.... Mine you DH plans on being a Billionaire so this one will not really be relevant

Having said all of that I do still have a longing to try for a little girl.... I would do this if I things were a little different, time, money etc and we were in a position to make life easier to deal with that newborn/toddler stage

[damprye]

I see nothing wrong with being/having an only child. Sure it isn't everyones cup of tea but some people want no kids, some want one or two, others want a brood and there is nothing wrong with any of those at all.

It took me a long time to decide to have a bub after DS1 and bub 3 was an accident that I am now excited about. I had horrible Perinatal Depression and Anxiety with DS2 but am ok with it now. Still worries me of course.

I was an only child till the steps and I loved it. Worst thing my Mum done was take that man and his kids into our lives and then breed kids that I had to raise.

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

We have a big gap between our two kids, 4.5 years. I copped a lot of grief from people about that and still get the occasional comment. I remember all of the 'its cruel for him not to have a playmate' and 'I would never have a big gap like that '. Really it isn't anyone's business except you and your DH. Not having another doesn't mean you live your DD any less.

I can relate to a lot of your reasons. I had PND and have very little support outside of DH and this had a lot to do with our big gap. Our DD has been very challenging to say the least and we are getting through it because we planned her and wanted her. I don't think I would've made it through if I hadn't wanted her.

I think you have to follow your heart for what you want to do. And don't feel guilty! Some people just can't help but be mean or justify their own existence.

[goddessofdawn]

Cherished, sorry I only just saw your reply I loved everything you had to say but especially this:

He will... be able to enjoy his own company (something which many adults struggle with)

Yes, yes, YES! This is something I love about myself - with the massive age gap in my family growing up (brothers 14 and 12 years older than me) I learned to enjoy my own company, and I still do. It made me very self-reliant - I don't get bored, and I don't look for others to "entertain" me... Sure, I enjoy being around other people, but I also appreciate solitude. I was also a voracious reader as a child, and as a result, excelled in writing and English at school. I don't believe that would have happened if I had siblings my own age. To this day, I am still mad for books and it is a wonderful thing....
I hope to foster the same love of books in my daughter.

And thanks Sweetpeajan, I won't feel guilty

[rmf]

On the age gap "cruelty" I have a sister 5 and a half years older and a brother nine years older. My sister has always been my best friend and my brother said when I was born " I didn't think I'd love her this much". We are all very close. The age gap doesn't make a difference. I think may e it actually helps because its less competitive

[grub17]

i'd be more concerned about you feeling the need to justify why you only want one! you've obviously thought alot about it and I wonder if you are trying to convince yourself or others?
I always say to my friends who don't have kids yet... you've got to really want them cos they are hard work! if you don't want another one, then it's really no one else's business.

If 1 is all you want then be happy within yourself about it and go tell anyone who tries to make you justify your decision or feel like you should be pumping them out to go hang. Or just inform them "i'm not going to have a second child just to make other people happy". lol they'll get the hint quick enough!

Enjoy watching your little one grow! and enjoy being in the enviable position of being able to really lavish your attention on her... I had two close together and sometimes wish I had more one-on-one time with both of them...

[Jennifer13]

My DD1 was our only one for five yrs. DP didn't want another baby and when I finally decided I did it took DP about a year to change his mind. It took me about four years to feel like another baby. DD1 had started to ask for a baby sister, was at school, it kinda felt right.

They are very close, so the age gap thing is not an issue. I'm scared now that I'll be having two close in age, because I never wanted that. Lol

My sister and her DP have one DD and are likely to stop at that. I have friends with only one child too. I see no issues with it if it's what you decide works for your family. I have one friend with an only (not by choice) the same age as DD1 and I get a huge pang of envy when they head off on another holiday or leave their DD for sleepovers and go away by themselves for the weekend! I know it'll happen for us one day, but you'll get there a lot faster with one!

As much as I love that we will have more kids now than we thought we would, my life is much more complicated and a lot less spontaneous than when it was just DD1. Embrace all the positives you talked about, if you don't feel the need to add to your family then don't. Your DD is just as likely to wish for a sibling as she is to completely clash if she did have one.