Grandparents?? What are your thoughts??

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

My ILs only have two sons so I suspect all grandchildren will be treated the same.

Yep, same here my DH is one of 3 brothers so i don't think the grandkids will be treated differently (that is if BIL's ever HAVE kids )

[Emma1979]

oooh i'm glad i found this thread, albeit i had to skim read as i need to get to bed.... i think grandparents should obviously treat grandkids equally, but agree with someone else's statement that it actually depends on the relationship they have with their sons, daughters and both inlaws... i think that is usually the main factor...
i started another thread similar to this about grandparents babysitting, called babysitting request etiquette in the baby and toddler board.... i am wondering just because a person is a grandparent, does that give them automatic rights to 'have a shot' of babysitting your child...?? my MIL has been described as unstable by my partner, not in a bad way (i know that doesn't make sene), i mean she has emotional issues that make her unstable, she is not some sort of maniac, digging myself into a grave here... anyways i can handle her babysiting for some short stints, but anything more than that and i would worry, just because she is so erratic and doesn't listen to instruction and also will tell you that so and so 'was fast asleep the whole time' even though you know it not to be true...
anyways i'm waffling.... my original question is, do grandparents have automatic rights to overnight sleepovers and the rest of it, even if you as the mum aren't too comfortable with it... am i awful for not just ignoring my issues/instincts and letting it happen, because she is their grandma afterall... its tough.

[briggsy's girl]

the ONLY people who have sleepover rights are the parents - anyone else is up to the discretion of the parents. if oyu're not comfy, don't send them!

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

my original question is, do grandparents have automatic rights to overnight sleepovers and the rest of it

No-one has "automatic rights" except the parents!, whether its for sleepovers or any other thing relating to your child, you have the final say

[ladybird11]

Good thought provoking thread

We have three sets of grand parents as DH's parents are both re-married.

His mother lives interstate, so we don't see her much, maybe once or twice a year. She was supposed to come down for Easter but went all quiet - then I found out she had other grandkids go and stay with her - so she ditched her plans to see DD and DS .

His father is with controlling woman with whom DH had words with over three months ago. Since then, we've not seen or heard from them at all.

My mum is in a hospice but I make sure the kids visit her as much as possible - she loves them to bits and is very protective of them. Hows that? The best grandma the kids have has not got long to live . As of an hour ago my father (who is still married and 'with' my mum) said he wanted nothing to do with me. So he loses contact with the kids too....

So from what others are saying it seems a lot of our kids are missing out on grandparent type love. So what do you do to work thru that pain and heart break for your precious babies / kids who have grandparents that don't seem to 'favour' them or even spend quality time with them (for better words)....you know what I'm trying to say??

[Rivlas]

As a grandparent our grandkids are love just as much by all grandparents.
We both love having the boys over night, as do the parents, and when we all get together there is no division as we get on really well with SIL parents.

Yes, when DD has questions she will ask me, that is a normal mother/daughter relationship, and when SIL has questions he will usually ask his parents.

Never had much to do with my grandparents as they lived to far away.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

As others have said, it depends on the person. I can get on very well with my MiL and would hate her to think that because she's the paternal grandmother she doesn't get a look-in. Unfortunately, she favours her granddaughter - she always wanted a girl. Having said that, she doesn't do much with Niece and Nephew because SiL is a bit funny with her and MiL doesn't put herself out. SiL has her mum nearby too. FiL dotes on DS; his favourite is the eldest boy. So that's BiL and Liebs is the eldest grandson, so him too. My Mum dotes on Liebling too, but ignores me when I tell her things. Or overrides me. Or makes me out to be the "bad guy", always saying no. Dad just ignores Liebling.

SO - FiL does a lot with Liebling: we live near PiL. We live further away from my mum, but visit about 4 times a year. For a weekend or a month. Depending on my mother's behaviour, she may be allowed DS on her own. MiL sees DS every week when FiL picks him up to have a playdate and she does get involved. My Dad... if DS doesn't want to watch a train DVD with him, he ignores him.

When I'm a Granny I intend to ring up and ask if I can pop round and see my grandchild(ren). Stuff the fact I'm not DiL's mother. I'm still Granny. I will ask if I can babysit - and I hope I will take no for an answer! I'll give advice too. I know DS: his child is part of him and maybe things DS liked/did will play out in his child(ren). I'll put myself out as much as I can - and intend to have playdates as soon as DiL lets me!

When I have questions, I ask Mum, MiL and my Granny (paternal grandmother) - if I can. Sometimes just one or two of them, and not always my mum. They all have ideas and thoughts, often useful stuff. Why only consult my mother? A lot of the "advice" she tried to force on us was dangerously outdated and against every instinct in my body.

[allycat06]

It depends what you mean by treats them differently...like favours them, giving them more presents and spoiling them more often for example? or just have a closer bond? If it's the former than that's unfair I think but the latter could simply be because she spends more time with her daughter's children than her son's as she and her daughter are closer and come over more often etc.

[*LovemyKids*]

honestly i wish it was the case that mil gets along really well with SIL but its untrue!! They fight like cats and dogs!! I have no idea why she does it all i know that there is no excuse for her behaviour and if she really did feel closer to her kids then ours, it is definitly wrong to let it show especially since the kids notice it as well as us!!!!!! For Example she took sil kids to her christmas party as santa was going to be there and give them gifts etc etc and did not ask our kids to go!!!! We were all at sil house when she went and picked them up!!! My DS asked two years ago if she would go to his kindy so he could show her where he goes as he loved kindy and she NEVER went!!!! Although she goes to sil kids school to watch performances etc whenever tehy ask!!!! I sound like a real whinging old cow but she just gets to me !!! And when the kids see it as well it must be bad!!!!

Thanks for everyone opinions!!!!

[megs]

LovemyKids, I'm hearing you. My MIL acutally said to me whilst I was pregnant with DS1 that it is different when it is you daughters children. I was gobsmacked. I then made a huge effort to include her in DS1's life, invited her on shopping trips with us for photos, probably did more with her than my own mother trying to make sure she felt included in his life and just cos I was the DIL didn't mean she couldnt' spend time with her grandchild

SIL and I fell pregnant at the same time, was only 4 weeks between due dates, we both had boys about 2 weeks apart. My DS2 has pretty much been left out since the day he was born. My DS1 is still very much spoilt as he is the first grandchild but DS2 doesn't get much attention or gifts at all. I was quite hurt by MIL as I felt I went to great effort to include her and the minute SIL had her child my children and I were left out, they would go shopping together all the time and not once think to invite me. I would see/here all about the things that MIL bought for her child when should would never think of mine. I really found them to be quite rude.

Sometimes I think that I'm being petty, but I honestly wouldn't care if they didn't buy them a thing I would just prefer that they give them their time. My parents live over 2 hours away so they don't see them on a regular basis. Everything I suggest for MIL to do with my kids, e.g take them to the park, to the movies etc she turns around and does with DIL's kids.

Must say I have now reached a point of not going out of my way for her to see them, I just get hurt on behalf of my kids so I figure she can make the effort now and I have noticed that the boys are not nearly as close to her as the were a couple of years ago. Which is sad for them because she could have had a beautiful relationship with them had she put in a bit of effort.